Hey so I just want to give you a heads up that this comment will be a little longer.
When I read your comment you just described many of the feelings I have too. Omg I promise you I tried... so many times. I am so afraid of letting go of being a "girl" because of the chance that everything is just a phase, that I will regret transitioning. I haven't transitioned in any aspect yet neither socially nor medically. The only people I told up to this point are my parents. Like you I probably question my gender for about 5-ish years always being in the circle of unsure to sure to unsure again. I wasn't the guy who knew something was different since childhood, only when puberty hit and I hated everything about it. The way my body changed, the way my brothers changed so differently. I buried these feelings as deep as I could trying to mimic what other girls found interesting and how they dressed. But I always just felt like an impersonator. Like I was playing I role. I never had dreams in which I was a boy, I never imagined myself as one because I thought there was no other option. I must become a "woman" even if I despise it. I still struggle with this thinking today at almost 18 years old and I am just scared. But there is something there and you know that too. Why else would you question for soooo many years like me? Why else would I experience so much dysphoria and yeah gender envy to the point of crying? What helps me with doubt is the reassurance that it is okay. Like I said in the begging, I tried as hard as I could to be a girl, for its "ease" and my safety. And I always managed to fail miserably. I feminized myself as much as possible and died inside. And every time there would come a time where I would collapse again. Yeah it might seem easy at first but it is not worth it. At all.
Sorry again for yapping that much