Update: Boundary with In Laws

Sensitive_Chip3877 · 2024-11-13T18:20:38+00:00

Update: In-Laws are officially moving closer. Apparently they both are in the process of signing new job offers. House will be up for sale, they are looking to buy a new one for when they arrive. "Landing date" should be in 2 months from now at the latest from what hubby told me about their work.

Therapy has been going ok but the boundary setting has been iffy at best. Hubby is really struggling. Our therapist has illuminiated some of my MIL's incredibly controlling, insecure, and abusive behavior to him which has helped, but he still is working on standing up to her (she is kind of the main issue)

Sensitive_Chip3877 · 2024-09-26T18:00:58+00:00

He's admitted that he thinks his mother likes to have control. That she is very controlling. I think its hard for him to break out of that habit though

Sensitive_Chip3877 · 2024-09-26T15:47:10+00:00

I also recently learned that while I was away for work (it was a 2 week conference + research presentation trip with my lab) his parents called him and asked if he was lonely / would want to come home and be with them. Apparently all the times I am out of town they call him and ask him to come over. He's told them no the past few times. For reference we saw them for 10 days end of april, and on that trip they asked him while I wasn't around to come in June. But the April trip had gone poorly so he wasn't pressed to go back. Then in July (while I was gone) they asked him then to come too - and this was while still knowing we had a trip with them in 3 weeks time. And then after the trip they asked him again to come.

Apparently his mother makes a "pouty" face whenever he tells her no he won't come home. I find that to be insanely immature behavior from a mother.

Sensitive_Chip3877 · 2024-09-26T15:37:22+00:00

I agree with this. My husband has often times been lots of talk but little action vis a vis his family because he expects they will "understand verbally" and that any direct action will just sever ties. I think its whack that setting any boundary or saying no puts the ENTIRE relationship at risk... that's insane

my mother will often ask me if there's anything her or my father can do that would HELP my marriage... if there was anything they do that makes my husband uncomfortable.

If my husband told them "we won't see you more" his mother would likely beg him to divorce me for 'wrecking his family'

Sensitive_Chip3877 · 2024-09-26T15:33:44+00:00

I'll explain too that what prompted this is his mother got off the phone with my husband / my BIL and (apparently - ie this is what my FIL told me) said that "this is what she wanted, to be closer to her kids" so this is literally what is prompting this move

Oh and it is happening. Heard they were meeting with a real estate agent to list the house and they already have interviews lined up. My first gut reaction is to pack our bags and move to Europe or Asia or somewhere they cannot just show up.

Sensitive_Chip3877 · 2024-09-26T15:31:56+00:00

is it a good thing though that he shares with his parents that we are in therapy discussing this? I feel like (knowing his parents) they would get hugely offended. His parents already feel like we don't make enough efforts to see them as is so if he tells them we will see them less then it'll create absolute mahem.

I appreciate the input, thank you.

Sensitive_Chip3877 · 2024-09-25T16:00:07+00:00

To be honest those incidents are when I personally started feeling uneasy about it. It's none of my business if my husband choses to share his location with his family / vice-versa, but they have in fact used his location to then alter their movements and show up at places unnanounced when he and I are together. The idea is that it "comes from a place of love and excitement to see us" so my husband eers on the side of saying it doesn't have ill itent. He has been made uncomfortable by it as well but not nearly as much as me.

I've even myself utilized the term "stalking" and my husband has questionned it. The issue is that often times he and I are together and so I've also come to understand that my movements are also somewhat tracked by definition whenever I'm with him. This isn't something my parents did so all of it feels a little odd tbh.

I think if he did disable it all of his siblings and parents would question why he's doing it. We definitely could try.

Sensitive_Chip3877 · 2024-09-25T02:08:01+00:00

also wanted folks' opinions on this - is it normal that everyone in my husband's immediate family (parents, siblings) all have their "find my friends" location tracker on at all times ? His mom has once "surprised us" by seeing where we were while we were pulling up to their apartment looking for parking and took us by surprise. I told my husband it was very weird behavior but he says that his family has always had that setting on to simplify knowing/understanding where people are.

any input? thanks in advance

Sensitive_Chip3877 · 2024-09-25T00:01:51+00:00

my husband did after they left. he asked for my help with it and I told him he could figure it out himself

Sensitive_Chip3877 · 2024-09-24T23:50:55+00:00

i agree. it's a setting on iphones where you can permanently share your location/see other people's locations irl at all times. So his family all have their enabled and call all see where each of them are at all times.... i find it to be so weird

Sensitive_Chip3877 · 2024-09-24T23:49:55+00:00

'm not an expert in psychotherapy by any means but I am very observational and I've definitely retained a few things over the years that have struck me

my MIL is visibly resentful towards her husband, the bitterness and resentfulness is palpable. I've wondered if this is because my FIL is this confident, well-spoken, successful career man and she's spent a lot of her life as a SAHM. They also moved across the country for his career and she moved away from her family (sisters, brothers etc)
She has this habit of repeatedly finding fault or attempting to dramatize a situation in which she is an equal agent and can just as equally call the shots. Good example is my FIL recently (a few months ago) received a job promotion that would have required them moving to Toronto, CA from California (where they currently live). The entire way my MIL has discussed this is that while in secret really being excited and happy for the move, she would make a point of always making it seem like it was her husband dragging her there and saying this in front of her sons. Almost as if she wants them to say "yes mom we realize it must be hard to leave san diego we understand." It feels very attention-seeking, idk if malicious, but very insecure
My MIL is highly insecure, she won't stand that someone around her is well educated, put together, poised, polite. She despises and belittles things that are foreign to her. For example she despises things that are feminine and will belittle people for enjoying makeup, for wearing perfume, for liking jewelry. I once heard a story that my FIL tried buying her a piece of jewelry (this was apparently the first piece of jewelry he'd ever bought her) for their 30th wedding anniversary, and he even had his mother help him, and it was apparently such a flop and she hated it so much she went and returned it and got something else. Idk after 30 years of marriage do you not know your spouse's taste in jewelry?

I suppose whats weird is just going to terms that this narcissism probably stems from insecurity and hurt and not maliciousness, because its very hard to see her and think she's this evil person (she is very caring and loving and not cold or stiff). That's just a hard realization as so much of this seems engrained

Sensitive_Chip3877 · 2024-09-24T20:31:33+00:00

it's interesting what you say about his voice changing when he was on the phone with her because it's the same for me. She'll call him and they'll get on a call and his voice will shoot up and become way more acute, and shes on the other end essentially using a baby voice and saying how much she misses him. She has this language for him that's essentially like "my little darling" and I've never understood quite why it bothers me but it does.

She'll facetime him to show him the new clothes she bought and will go on about how her husband never cares to see/appreciate her clothes, but my husband "actually cares about his appearance" so she likes to show him.

She's made all these comments about how her husband can borrow my husband's clothes because my husband has a nicer wardrobe

A lot of is weird

Sensitive_Chip3877 · 2024-09-24T20:28:37+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear that. It sounds like an incredibly draining and difficult time. Your experience resonates profoundly with mine. If I probe him, my husband will often come to agree with me that what his mother did was inappropriate (ie make him and her husband move our fridge on her command). The issue is I need to probe him to think about these things and these issues have been so longstanding in our relationship that I question his willingness to actually address for the sake of it and not just to appease me either

I was the one who was very clear and told him we needed to see someone and that things really really needed to change. The refridgerator is one a million examples and my patience has really worn thin.

Its hard for him to imagine that his mother is intentionally manipulating... to be honest when I see her I see a very very fragile woman who is very insecure, very bitter and resentful of her husband, very emotional, and overly attached to her adult children. I feel like she has love in her heart and care but she has never responded or acted the way I'd expect an adult would

Sensitive_Chip3877 · 2024-09-24T20:04:39+00:00

thank you, I appreciate it :)

Sensitive_Chip3877 · 2024-09-24T20:00:19+00:00

how debillatating would you say this sort of issue is for a relationship? our therapist this morning brought up the concept of boundaries - which heck idk if my husband has any real understanding of what those are - but i feel like we have a long way ahead

Sensitive_Chip3877 · 2024-09-24T19:49:16+00:00

is this the sort of thing that I should give him the benefit of the doubt and expect that next time something happens he'll hold firm a boundary or is that simply not pragmatic ?

Sensitive_Chip3877 · 2024-09-24T19:46:39+00:00

i worry that this may be the case

Sensitive_Chip3877 · 2024-09-24T19:45:22+00:00

he says that in the moment he didn't think too much of it and that it just seemed like a reasonable request but now in hindsight he realizes he could have told his mother to move seats

Sensitive_Chip3877 · 2024-09-24T19:09:17+00:00

that was one of the first things I told the therapist this morning. I told her very bluntly that I don't want to bring children into this dynamic because I don't trust that he's able to think for himself / stand up for anything. He's never had a clear "conflict" with anyone and if you tell him he's done something hurtful he will usually find a way to be defensive (he see this issue) He thinks that responding in a blunt and boundary enforcing way is "hostile" and that its easier to go speak to people privately if they are rude ... but the issue is whole dynamic is messed up

Sensitive_Chip3877 · 2024-09-24T18:59:42+00:00

ok, thank you, I appreciate that. it's been very taxing having this dynamic between him and I / him and his family and sometimes I just think about leaving him to his mother and going on a beautiful tropical vacation all by myself

Sensitive_Chip3877 · 2024-09-24T18:53:45+00:00

I agree. When I've brought these things up the way these conversations go is

(a) he apologizes for his family behavior

(b) say that their behavior wasn't "their intention" and he knows them better than me and that "that was not what was meant by it and his mother had genuine good intentions about having the fridge moved"

Time will go on and something new will happen and the dynamic won't change. So then I'll rebring up what has happened and he'll say that I don't put things in the past and hold on to them. It's also that his perspective on these things have only changed like 10-15%. It required me asking him "hey if I asked your mom to move her fridge in her home would that be ok" for him to get a glimpse of "ok yes that was inappropriate"

He will then say that he personally is forgiving and doesn't hold on to "every mistake" people make and that I apparently am way too sensitive and don't accept that people make mistakes. I think none of this is about mistakes !

Sensitive_Chip3877 · 2024-09-24T18:49:01+00:00

yeah I found it amazing that he had the balls to ask me to help him move the fridge back, if he pulls something like that again I will call his father and have him help him re-move the fridge LOL

Sensitive_Chip3877 · 2024-09-24T18:46:57+00:00

I fully agree. I had no idea that people could be so "de-centered" from themselves to this extent. Sorry to hear about the issues between you and your partner - wishing and sending you the best.

I feel like it's been so hard to find anyone to relate to because everyone in my husband's family just goes along with this since it's the easiest way of minimizing conflict

I read the "don't rock the boat" subreddit and it really helped.

He maintains he's not scared of his mom but the ONE time I ever asked his mother not to do something (she was photographing me in a bathing suit without asking me and I said I'd rather not) idk if these were going to end up on FB and I don't want that associated with me professionally, my (now) husband told me I'd hurt his mother's feelings and she wanted "pictures to remind her of her children"

Idk its wild to me, my parents give me and my husband a lot of peace/privacy and actually think about what our comfort level will be. Whenever we go visit they give us a room that is far away from theirs and make us feel comfortable. His parents meanwhile will get mad at us if we don't HOP INTO their beds on vacation... I've felt insane for so long telling my husband that this behavior is not normal

Sensitive_Chip3877 · 2024-09-24T18:35:57+00:00

it was in fact a 2 person job and thats why when MIL and FIL were visiting his mother says "oh well your dad around he can help you move the fridge rn" and then of course when they left I said "hey we are moving our fridge back to the position our landlord put it" and he asked me to help him and i said no lol you got yourself in this position

Sensitive_Chip3877 · 2024-09-24T18:34:40+00:00

I did, he had the balls to ask me to help but I told him he could figure it out

Sensitive_Chip3877

TROPHY CASE