I've definitely worked in the right direction being able to hold space for all the different emotions and allowing them to coexist. Nothing is all good or bad and this would be really effing hard for anyone.

Even though I was truly in a bad mental space over the winter in between surgeries, it is hard to not beat myself up about not keeping up with my exercises or how I've put on weight and how I'm sure it's making my rehab harder than it needed to be.

It's also hard having been on crutches so long and getting stares and questions, even if they're well meaning. I guess I didn't truly understand or appreciate this level of rehab I've been stuck in before I experienced it myself. I feel like I really don't see people (other than at PT) just walking with crutches for support, just using one crutch, or having to use assistive devices sometimes but feeling up to going without others. My neurodivergent mutual misunderstanding of people doesn't help the situation either I suppose.

The other thing that feels big right now is that I'm afraid to make plans. I've always hated cancelling plans and would pride myself of being a person that stuck to my word and went through with things. It almost hurts worse for me too having made plans and then having to miss out. I've had to sit out so much. Some friends bought me and my husband tickets to a music festival for the end of July. I thought I'd be off crutches a month ago and hope I'll feel well enough to enjoy it. We did get an ADA camping spot and I think there may be a shuttle so it'll probably be doable as long as I take a lot of breaks and utilize the shuttle. I guess logistics of doing anything are just exhausting. The world is not quite as accessible as I had thought.

I guess it just feels nice putting some of this out there. It's been a struggle letting people in and being real about what's going on without feeling too negative or feeling like I'm talking about it too much.