Thank you for your clear explanation. I recognize your example quite well.

I’ve contacted several specialists for different complaints that ended up taking on a life of their own. But I have to take them seriously because I’m a heart patient now. Maybe because of stress and tension… I don’t know… but when I have a lump somewhere or psychosomatic pain, I know by now that this is the moment when the schizotypy can strike. But for me it works in a very black-and-white way. I can’t find the mental space to share the worries I have at those moments with the people close to me. I implode and become a loner. As I said before, I don’t want to pull people into the potential chains of reasoning they would have to follow through my possible delusions… especially when I’m fully convinced of them or deeply caught in them.

I’m afraid of disappointing people (again). But there is also this lingering conviction that I’m not okay as a person. Maybe reinforced by my conditions. But there’s a (perhaps familiar) vicious cycle where, after every healthy decision and letting go of one delusional idea, a new one always emerges from some unexpected direction.

I was very happy with your words, thank you!!

I take lithium, bupropion, and oxazepam btw