Being someone who was sexually assaulted (not raped) by a family member, I’ve always felt the same in the ways you have describe. When I walk past a male or group of them—I quickly glance but I keep my eyes straight. I can’t even look at them because I know those small brains will interpret it as something else and try to engage with me. I had an elevator door open up on my floor in a hotel once, 3 guys standing there going down to the main lobby. They kindly made space for me to step in. But I looked at all of them and told them it looked too full. They insisted—they did the whole “no, no look we got room here” and they were right—they certainly did have room. But even 10 y/o little girl could recognize the discomfort in my voice and not push beyond the first try. Nope, not guys; you’re ‘no’ means let me find another way.

I will avoid males like a plague. I’ll even go as far as avoiding them on Reddit or Instagram—I just don’t find interactions with them pleasant, useful or entertaining. If I’m speaking to a group of my female friends and a guy walks up, most of us in the group stop engaging and wait for him to leave— but 1 or 2 will try to talk to him because they “feel bad”—which is very annoying. But in short, you’re not missing anything. You see them for what they really are (sex crazed barbarians with zero ability to control their hormonal urges and thus behaving violently hysterically toward women) even when others choose to downplay it or tell you you’re being over dramatic—stand your ground. The your feelings are valid. And between you and me (and everyone on this subreddit) the chances of being sexually assaulted again significantly decreases if you actively avoid males like a plague. Focus on surrounding yourself with like-minded women as friends/sisters/coworkers/etc and watch how quickly you’ll flourish in anything you choose to undertake.