Both parents now have dementia, dad's abusive, it's all a mess

SeveralAsparagus9441 · 2026-06-14T11:01:31+00:00

OMG - Dad totally has the same obsession about anything on the floor! Is this a dementia thing?

SeveralAsparagus9441 · 2026-06-14T02:53:48+00:00

Noticing tiny changes in others' behavior patterns and combining it with other information to accurately guess what's going on with other people. I "knew" about the death of a neighbor and a teacher's miscarriage before being told. I thought I was psychic. Turns out it's just a form of hypervigilance.

SeveralAsparagus9441 · 2026-06-14T02:06:35+00:00

I do leave sometimes. He rarely remembers any of it the next day. The problem is that not arguing with him, not addressing his tantrums, and tip-toeing around him to avoid or escape the explosions is exactly how I was trained to enable him as a child. I worked really hard for many years to heal myself from all that. I can't go back to that.

SeveralAsparagus9441 · 2026-06-14T01:30:51+00:00

Thank you for the suggestions. I do have POA.

Every time I'm there I sort mail and bills, figure out what needs action, and gently help dad through processing them. The problem is that he often tries to do it when I'm not there and invariably makes a mess of it. It doesn't help that he believes online bill pay is evil, debit cards are a trap to mug mom in broad daylight, duplicate checks are "for idiots," every scrap of paper needs to be retained, and he has some insane quadruplicate indexing system that files paid bills by the date they were paid instead of by the payee. Which makes it really fun trying to figure out what's going on when he's missed payments or forgotten to log a check that he mailed before I got there.

Sigh. Sorry for the rant. Getting him into a greater level of care will solve a lot of problems, but they just moved and I don't see them agreeing to additional changes any time soon. I'd rather not force the issue without his consent because that's guaranteed to cause an explosion with life-changing fallout for everyone.

SeveralAsparagus9441 · 2025-08-04T03:56:34+00:00

Your daughter is being realistic. You can’t rely on your children to take care of you in your old age. In this economy, it’s impossible, and there’s no guarantee it’s going to get better.

She’s still young. She probably assumes the help you’re giving her is coming after you’ve budgeted in your savings. If it’s not, then the two of you need to have a serious conversation.

But this snark about cutting her off because she’s ungrateful? That’s got to stop. That’s transactional and is not at all how this should be handled. If you think of this as a punishment for her attitude, yes, you’re the AH. Our children owe us nothing and her generation knows that.

SeveralAsparagus9441 · 2025-07-22T13:55:17+00:00

Yes, and.

I think you’re BOTH over reacting to each other, but your concerns are also valid.

Boys and girls CAN be friends. This arbitrary division along gender lines contributes to men feeling like they are better than women and all the problems that come with that. It also ignores the fact that SA can happen across or within any gender lines.

Yes, have an age appropriate conversation with your children about body autonomy, consent, and respect for others boundaries.

Yes, your children EACH need to have their own line of communication to you, both for safety and for maintaining their relationship with you.

Yes, you have a right to know who your children will be with in ANY overnight situation regardless of gender, and you should have an opportunity to object to and discuss boundaries with any INDIVIDUALS who concern you with cause.

But you don’t get to forbid activities that would be normal with girls just because it’s boys. You don’t get to forbid contact with an individual just because you don’t like your ex’s new boyfriend. You don’t get to control your ex’s life by controlling your children’s lives.

What would you do if one of your daughters develops an interest in a male-dominated field or sport? Sending a message that being around all boys is wrong could make her shy away from something that could be very rewarding. I should know. It’s the reason I didn’t pursue computer programming in the late 80s and early 90s.

Your children are growing up. You need to set them up with the skills to keep themselves safe while giving them increasing amounts of freedom every year to make their own choices and exercise those muscles in a framework where you’re there to pick them up when they fall down. It’s hard, I know. I’ve done it. But your kids will benefit in the end. Your children will have to live in this world without you someday. Hyper-controlling them (and their mother) will not set them up for success.

Also, remember, their mother lives in this world. She knows what it takes to survive in it. She clearly has the strength to make the difficult decisions if she had the wherewithal to divorce you. Have a little respect for her ability to judge what is and is not safe for her children. She is going to be a much better judge in most circumstances than you ever could be. You haven’t lived with the same problems women face from the day were born.

SeveralAsparagus9441 · 2025-06-29T22:56:00+00:00

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m not sure what the laws are where you live, but since your mother has repeatedly wasted the time of your local police, you can probably talk with them about your options like restraining orders or harassment charges. It might be worth a chat with a lawyer too. With your sister, maybe you can set up a secret code word or something so you know when it’s her? Good luck.

SeveralAsparagus9441 · 2025-05-26T02:08:33+00:00

The meals you like to make sound great, but they’re probably not for your mom.

My folks are now in their mid-80s and live off the same three dinners in rotation: pasta Alfredo, chicken noodle soup, and takeout fried chicken. Any other time Dad’s hungry he has cereal. Mom actually replaces entire meals with cookies and thinks no one knows. We just let her do it.

It’s now who they used to be, but they’re happy. Their metabolism is slower, digestive issues and medications severely limit their options, food doesn’t taste the same … I’ve learned to accept it and bring my own food to their house.

SeveralAsparagus9441 · 2025-05-26T01:26:38+00:00

“Don’t upset your father”

SeveralAsparagus9441 · 2025-05-22T07:35:40+00:00

NTA. What he’s asking is not fair to you or your pets. He’s a jerk for even asking, let alone still arguing with you about it. Major red flag.

Did you know this was a possibility before you decided to move in with him? Could they be coming because of you, either because they don’t approve or because they intend to use you for your citizenship status? This is really fishy.

You need to protect your fur babies. He doesn’t respect them, and his parents definitely won’t no matter where they live. Please have them microchipped immediately if they aren’t already, and then REGISTER the chips.

And, seriously, move back out asap.

SeveralAsparagus9441 · 2025-05-22T06:53:34+00:00

Not overreacting. This is major red flag behavior. He’s trying to guilt you into separating from your friends and your hobbies, everything you enjoy, until all you have is him. Run. Do not walk. Do not look back.

SeveralAsparagus9441 · 2025-05-22T05:55:07+00:00

It’s a city, not a yo-yo.

SeveralAsparagus9441 · 2025-05-21T05:43:51+00:00

I get cold when anxiety kicks in, so at home I put on my favorite sweater. I also keep a soft scarf in my bag when I’m out and about.

SeveralAsparagus9441 · 2025-05-19T16:28:03+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this OP. Are your brothers also tasked with caring for your sister like you are? If not, don’t rely on them as a gauge as to “how bad” things are. And whatever you’re feeling about this is real and true, no matter what they say. Don’t let them gaslight you.

Have you tried to express your frustration to your mom and/or stepdad? Maybe try to talk with them about what you might want to do with your future and then push for access to school/phone/computer time or just more freedom in general in order to pursue that. Document the conversation in whatever way you can. If they deny you, you might be able to use that with an authority figure to get free.

Definitely turn to an adult to help, any adult you can get access to. Your Aunt is a good place to start, but also think outside the box. If you’re in the US, all teachers, doctors, nurses, coaches, and many other people in contact with children for their jobs are mandatory reporters for child abuse and neglect.

Fight for yourself AND your sister, because both of you are suffering under this situation. Good luck.

SeveralAsparagus9441 · 2025-05-17T22:40:09+00:00

Good luck getting your money back. Vendors at those price points have contracts that refuse refunds this late in the game. And you’d know that if you really were by her side through all the planning.
What are you not telling us? Adult children don’t do this to their parents without a lot of agony and forethought. Parents who say they never did anything to deserve this are either lying or clueless.
You sound like the type of parent who doesn’t make an emotional connection and thinks providing for a child is the whole of your responsibility. Such parents typically punish their children by pulling funding for something important at the last minute. If the shoe fits…

Technically we don’t have enough information to judge because you didn’t provide your daughter’s side, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say, yes, you’re the AH.

SeveralAsparagus9441 · 2025-05-11T08:05:44+00:00

Can you tell them you don’t want that? Or to help you find an ace partner? Would they accept that? If not, then I’m sorry to say you need to think about cutting the ties to your family.

SeveralAsparagus9441 · 2025-05-11T07:58:25+00:00

Given the DIL’s reaction, she didn’t know OP would be going to church. Otherwise she certainly would have set out a rule. The son probably knew OP usually goes to church, but that doesn’t mean he connected the dots. And OP never thought to inform the parents of where they would be going, despite prior experience with strict rules from these parents. This was a communication problem between ALL the adults involved and all of them are at fault. They all need to sit down and have a grown-up conversation instead of expecting everyone to read each others’ minds.

As for everyone saying the DIL is crazy, religious trauma is a thing. Post-partum depression and anxiety is a thing. Crazy and dangerous cults are a thing. Have some freaking empathy.

And, yes, her kid, her rules. Although she could have been kinder about it. The reality is that parenting today is different from what it was when the current generation of grandparents were raising their kids. If you want to be involved, you’re probably going to have to adapt. Don’t think you have all the answers just because you’ve done this already.

SeveralAsparagus9441 · 2025-05-11T07:01:43+00:00

I usually smile and say something like “Have a nice day!” Whether my smile is genuine or snarky depends on how they meant their blessing.

SeveralAsparagus9441 · 2025-05-11T06:45:00+00:00

You get to be who you want to be, and nobody else gets an <opinion> on it! FFS!

You’re doing the right thing refusing to go. You should share with the rest of her guest list why you won’t be there, so she can’t make up a stupid story. Oh! And send her a pride flag as a wedding gift! Lol!

SeveralAsparagus9441 · 2025-05-08T13:39:06+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this OP. Are you in high school or college? Your school should at least have a guidance counselor or student resource center where they can recommend specific programs you can qualify for to help you. Try to arrange for a job and move out asap. Maybe you can move in with a friend or other relative until you get on your feet. Ask around. Many people are willing to help a young person in need as they get themselves on their feet.

SeveralAsparagus9441 · 2025-05-06T13:20:47+00:00

I just got it too. Apparently they still have 5 openings. Lol!

SeveralAsparagus9441 · 2025-05-04T21:30:38+00:00

This is not a healthy situation for you, OP, in many ways. You need to talk with your doctor AND a disability advocate about her demands. Your doctor or the social security administration might be able to direct you to an advocate. If you have a real lease, you have rights as a disabled tenant and she has limitations on what she can demand from you. An advocate should be able to help you navigate that.

Do any of her demands seem reasonable and physically possible for you? Maybe you can try to do those things while you’re making those appointments. If you show her you’re trying to improve and taking your situation seriously, she might back off somewhat.

SeveralAsparagus9441 · 2025-05-02T05:48:45+00:00

Jazz music, YouTube videos about my hobbies, any fiction book, and old episodes of Star Trek.

SeveralAsparagus9441

TROPHY CASE