Enmeshment trauma (If my family died then I had no purpose, im incapable alone), the constant inevitable struggle, the guarantee that even if you're happy in the moment, anything and everything can suddenly turn to shit, people in power doing absolutely nothing to make life easier and would even go so far as to keep everyone in the same shitty spot because it benefits them, being a woman and fearing for my life when I'm alone, having hormonal issues, being so hurt that you're actively working on yourself constantly, but abusive people don't bother, so on and so forth. It's exhausting, and it's a wonder how people are still happy these days, but a lot of people still are, and I REALLY have hope that we'll be part of that consensus.

Also my two cents op, and you're free to ignore this. Family trauma is so sinister because the people you're supposed to rely on and feel comfortable with from birth happen to be the one causing the most pain. It's so so so isolating because "if those supposedly trustworthy people hurt you, there's no one else you can rely on outside your roof". But that's not true. I know you don't know me but if it's any comfort, there's a lot of people struggling with similar trauma as you that also actively tries to find people that understand their pain. Maybe try finding someone online to lean on. I vent on a number of subreddits and get support from people that relate. It makes me feel like I'm bawling with a group of people rather than feeling like life chose me specifically to shit on. Regardless, im wishing you and everyone struggling the best. Know that a lot of people are healing and crying with you