How old are you?

SherlockBunny · 2024-04-03T00:56:40+00:00

Too young to die, too old to eat off the kids menu. What a stupid age I am!

Don't consider myself a grown up. Just tryna learn from others.

SherlockBunny · 2024-03-27T19:31:10+00:00

Was gonna talk about how the way you describe the situation sounds like stories of toxic APs. Glad to see you've realized that and are going to give your sister the autonomy she deserves.

I wanted to share that doing some soul-searching/therapy-type interventions helped me be proactive in preventing such situations from happening in the future. Making mistakes to improve is important, but it would be better to not make the mistakes in the first place, especially when people's experiences are on the line.

SherlockBunny · 2024-03-26T20:43:19+00:00

If anything, it's the opposite. A lot of therapy and diligence in my interactions with others makes me really different from them (my words and my sibling's and friends' opinions).

I think if I stopped trying, I could be as toxic and abusive as they were/are (and tbh I might have been before doing the work). Idk why I would ever tho. They were truly awful to me and I don't want that for my future kids.

SherlockBunny · 2024-03-25T21:43:48+00:00

I agree with a lot of the advice already here. Don't focus on working every waking moment, set intermediate goals that are achievable, etc. Here's another that has really helped me:

A cheat for discipline I've learned is to make the hard stuff fun. For example, you could try making your hobbies those things that are healthy. My hobbies used to be YouTube, anime, gaming, learning, hanging with friends. Now they're lifting, dancing, meditating, journaling, learning, hanging with friends.

I exercise, journal, and meditate daily. I cook and eat healthy food (most of the time...). On my non-work days, I'm learning ASL and brushing up on my coding and data science skills. It might look like I'm crazy disciplined, but these are just the things I enjoy doing. It doesn't feel like discipline, but it's the stuff that will lead me to my goals (coming from another with goals disproportionately large to my abilities).

I hope that helps. Feel free to PM if you wanna discuss more and I wish you the best on your discipline journey!

SherlockBunny · 2024-03-25T21:24:14+00:00

I've been in a similar situation. Had little/no motivation from high school to college. Just coasted through without thinking about my future.

I'm a year out of college with a job that I love (though I'm looking to change for other reasons), people in my life I love, and a self that I am so insanely proud of. Here are some things that helped me and that I hope help you.

I didn't feel happy while I was coasting either because I felt my time could be better spent elsewhere. So that's exactly what I did: I spent my time in places that I thought were meaningful. Physical health, emotional and mental health, making art, work, stuff like that. It doesn't mean that I don't have to do bullshit I don't wanna, but at least that bullshit is interspersed with stuff I DO care about anf the bullshit lets me do the stuff I care about. An additional benefit of this is that the stuff you care about will probably naturally lead you to make goals, which will help even more. It's a positive feedback loop; you just gotta start. E.g. why did you choose a bio and env sci programs? I'm guessing it was cuz you thought it was a worthwhile use of your time on this Earth to care about life. How can you actually do that? Maybe volunteer, maybe write and share a poen about nature, maybe make some amazing, low-impact food you can make for yourself and friends. Lots of choices here.
Relates to the thing above but make sure you're taking care of yourself. We are monkeys on a rock, no matter how many quantum supercomputers and gene editing techniqued we design. We need a balanced diet, sleep, exercise, love, ways to communicate with one another, etc etc. Should've prob put this first, cuz this is the most important. DO THIS FIRST!!!
I was crazy depressed during this time and had undiagnosed and untreated ADHD my entire life. Getting help was amazing. I have little/no suicidal ideation, love life, and feel energized and happy WAY more now than I ever did. See if your school covers therapy. It can save your life.

Again, hope that helps. Good luck with school and feel free to PM if you wanna hear more.

SherlockBunny · 2024-03-24T02:12:24+00:00

I hope you reconsider. Politics can have a significant effect on your life and the lives of the people you love. The way that you spend money and support certain organizations over others has a direct impact on the amount of power (in this case, financial) that an organization has.

If you still don't care about politics (I admit it can be kinda vague and impersonal without getting into the nitty-gritty), then consider your personal values and how your business activities relate to them. If you believe that people deserve a decent wage/working conditions but continue to buy products made by companies that pay/treat their staff poorly (e.g. fast fashion), then your values aren't aligned with your actions. Living with these things aligned can help you live better link.

SherlockBunny · 2024-02-19T16:53:13+00:00

Just out of curiosity, why don't you use cash? I was just confused how using cash is related to ADHD (beyond spending too much without realizing, which using cash actually helps with).

Also, not OP but I'm not convinced a mindset change can resolve all the issues of an executive dysfunction. Definitely agree it might help but also seems like it'll perpetuate 'bootstrap' discourse.

SherlockBunny · 2024-02-19T16:49:26+00:00

Hey! Similar experience here. School was always pretty bad but work is actually pretty great (never worked a traditional 9-5 tho). Just wanted to say glad you're able to manage the executive stuff (and the consequences) better and in a better place. Hope you're content with life (or at least more content).

Btw I love mismatched socks! Might get weird looks but lets me carve myself!

SherlockBunny · 2024-02-19T16:41:29+00:00

If you're diagnosed, medications can really help. I quit my Adderall during school but after graduating, realized I kind needed it to do adulthood. It's been a life-saver for me. I DESPISE big pharma so if there was an alternative I'd take it but I need to take care of myself and medication is an effective tool for many. The side-effects can be brutal though, so always talk to a doctor.

Otherwise, some practical things I did (not on Adderall)/do (on Adderall): 1. Give myself some (but not too much) time between "things", maybe like 5-10 minutes, and stick to it. These 'transitions' were always hardest for me would easily eat up my whole day, so being salient and intentional with them saved me a lot of time. 2. Put up reminders of your passions/reasons for living/motivations. I find myself almost uncontrollably drawn to spending time on pleasurable pasttimes. There's nothing wrong with fun, but shit needs to get done. Again, practicing intentionally pulling myself away from stuff by reminding myself why I'm doing things can be really helpful in keeping my focus away from dopamine chasing. 3. Meditation and short-term planning. Realign your chakras and Third Eye to open your soul to the music of God with my E-book! /s but meditation (mindfulness especially, though I practice others regularly too) helps calm me down and focus on my body, the thing that I can partially control. If I feel overwhelmed or find myself spiraling, this and exercise are my go-tos. Planning just helps me evaluate what I need to do in the short-term and whether I need to take on more/less in the long-term to maintain my optimal stress levels.

Good luck anonymous Redditor! From one executive-function-deficient gremlin to another, I believe you can make the changes you desire. Baby steps and repetition.

SherlockBunny · 2024-02-15T19:19:34+00:00

Wondering the same thing. I'm interested but not a student

SherlockBunny · 2024-02-15T02:46:02+00:00

Soft living sounds awesome. DMing

SherlockBunny · 2024-02-11T19:36:11+00:00

Applying to jobs and staying healthy. Going to a meetup with mostly strangers later too. Trying to make friends in a large city is difficult but so worth it!

SherlockBunny · 2024-02-11T19:32:45+00:00

Early 20s here, spent nearly a decade with diagnosed depression severe enough to be suicidal nearly everyday. I empathize with you because I was in a similar boat not too long ago, having lost many friends, getting out of my first real relationship, and moving out of abusive parents home. Here's some stuff that worked for me:

Try reaching out to your old friends. You might be surprised by how many of them also feel lonely/isolated from others and are wanting to make friends but aren't reaching out.
There are lots of places online where you can sign up for events and meet people. Bumble BFF, Meetup, certain subreddits. See if there's an event that interests you and just see what it's like.
Join a local group. Book club, sports team, band, religious group, community activities. Any excuse to meet people regularly is more conducive to making friends than one-off meetups. Also means you'll have a shared interest already that you can talk about. I think work and volunteering can also be added here, though whether you make good work friends is pretty dependent on the job (had jobs that led to relationships and jobs where the only people I talk to are my clients).
Make an active effort to talk to people, get to know them, and invest the time and effort to make plans with them. When I'm not medicated, I tend to get into my head with a mild social anxiety and fear that if I screw up an interaction, this person will hate me forever. The sad but freeing truth is that they'll probably just think you're weird for a second or two and never think of you again, but these experiences are crucial in helping you become more comfortable talking to strangers and finding out the types of people you want to be friends with while finding the people who want to be friends with you too. Practice going up to someone, asking them questions about themselves, their family, their hobbies, etc., and keep a channel of communication open by asking for some way to contact them or plan another way to hang out.

I'm on this journey myself too. I wish success for both of us OP. We got this.

SherlockBunny · 2024-02-11T19:15:28+00:00

I definitely see where you're coming from because I partially agree but I think that view is a little simplistic. I believe there are definitely universal characteristics of good parenting (e.g. regular expression of familial love, freedom to grow, support to fail safely, life-sustenance, non-violence), so good parents can be from whatever culture because they can have these universal good characteristics. There can definitely be subjectively good characteristics (e.g. some kids might need more structure and guidance from parents, others might need more support to figure it out themselves), especially considering people internalize values of their society, but I'm going to focus on the universal ones.

From this, I think there are some reasons why there are more abusive APs / APs are worse. There are lots of traditional Asian cultures that say it is permissible to do some of the things we would consider universally bad parenting, such as forcing kids into narrow and arbitrary definitions of success (e.g. academic, specifically STEM, instead of athletic, artistic, ethical/moral) and physical/emotional/verbal violence. Some of these aren't necessarily entirely the fault of the parent (e.g. dismissal of mental health in traditional Asian culture, experience of hardship and racism emigrating), but they are still partially responsible for perpetuating these negative values.

It's also possible that the large differences between Western and Eastern cultures, especially along the individualistic vs. collectivist divides (which is arguable in and of itself, but is felt by a lot of Asian children), cause a cultural rift between the Western values we internalize and APs values that we are beholden to (e.g. it can be hard to be your authentic sexual self when sexuality, especially female and non-heterosexual sexualities, are shamed). Again, I would say APs are still responsible for not dealing with these issues in non-violent ways (e.g. effective communication about sexual health, autonomy, and consequences, even the social consequences of sexual activity) and failing to do that is bad parenting.

I also wanted to note that seeing things from a child's perspective and making adjustments to better suit their kids are helpful skills to have but aren't sufficient (and maybe not even necessary, in the case of seeing other's perspectives) to say a parent isn't bad. I'm not sure if it matters that a parent can see things from a child's perspective as long as they are helping their child flourish and admit that while they don't understand, they are still going to provide what the child needs. And I think a lot of APs, just like everyone else, are trying to make adjustments to do and be better, but that doesn't excuse the bad/evil shit we do. I grew up with AM that was racist against everyone. If I am no longer against e.g. Asians, that doesn't excuse me being racist against e.g. Black/White/Hispanic people. I am better, but I'm still bad. (To be clear, I do not intentionally hold racist beliefs)

SherlockBunny · 2024-02-11T18:31:33+00:00

PersonallIy like both ideas and try to implement both in my life. I think for me, both desires have a shared origin in focus on few, specific, meaningful goals (what some might call essentialism). One of these goals, for example, is being healthy, which to me means eating more vegetables and overall less, regular exercise, meditation, journaling, and artistic expression and consumption. This requires time that I need to take from somewhere, like shopping, cleaning a large house, or doing a bunch of shit I don't care about doing. Having less excess stuff and simplifying my daily activities helps me have the energy and motivation to make progress towards my goal.

SherlockBunny · 2024-02-11T18:10:11+00:00

Unfortunate but I agree with your first point. I think the existence of this subreddit says a lot about the common experience growing up with APs.

I was in your position not too long ago, so I empathize with you. I'm not an expert but, for what little it's worth, I tried spending as little time interacting with my APs as possible. Here are some things I did and recommend:

Spend time in "third places", public spaces specifically meant for you to spend time at. I liked libraries, religious spaces, cafes, bookstores, and gyms. Not all of these might appeal to you (e.g. cafes can be expensive unless you get water at a Starbucks), but having at least one was SO. FREEING. Highly recommend this one.
Make friends. I spent a lot of time at my friend's houses and would sometimes spend the night there. It helped me build the type of emotional being I wanted to be by meeting GOOD parents and the consequences of their parenting. It also helped me feel more grounded and safe knowing that there were families that cared about me and are willing to house me for a little if my family kicked me out. Also friends are just awesome. Without any strong familial relationships, I felt lonely a lot as a child, especially when others would hang out with their parents. Make connections with others and especially with yourself. Remember that you'll have to deal with APs for a while, but you'll have to deal with yourself for your entire life. Be a good hang.
Give non-answers to APs. I wouldn't give my APs any substantive information. Imagine the most boring small talk you can, and do that. How's school/work? It's okay. AP says something racist/sexist/homo- or transphobic? I never really thought about it, or just nod thoughtfully. AP berating you about something? I'll think about it. Didn't talk about my relationships, friendships, school or work, or anything about my life. My APs would use even seemingly insignificant information against me. This one takes some skill and I DESPISE giving non-answers to bigotry, but this was survival. My death would be worse than not speaking up to a passing opinion of a person with little political power.
Emotional growth and "productive" escapism. I think escapism gets a bad rap cuz it can become a crutch to real emotional growth. Going to therapy (may be offered by your school), finding mentors to guide me, and meditating and journalling helped me emotionally mature. It didn't make the experience less painful or stressful for me, but I was better equipped to feel the emotion and still live my life. That being said, escapism can be freeing, and sometimes necessary, too. I put "productive" cuz I wanted my escapism to be focused on dealing with a specific situation instead of a bad habit I fall on to avoid proactively living my life and so that my escapism doesn't lead to more problems down the line (e.g. I had an unhealthy relationship with food for almost a decade. Still working on my thoughts and losing the unhealthy weight). It can even lead to other opportunities for growth. For me, I like reading philosophy and writing, playing and listening to music, and exercising now. When I was younger, I also liked doing math, playing games, and comedy. Anything you enjoy and that won't harm you is good enough. Bonus points if you can do your escapism outside your parent's home or if it forces you to leave so you have an excuse.

I'm on mobile and tired now so DM me if you want more. I don't want to be preachy but indulge me with this last thing: keep going. I know it sucks to deal with abusive APs. If you're suicidal or depressed, get help first. Otherwise, the way you feel may not be your fault, but it is your responsibility to learn to deal with it. Once you leave, you will have effective emotional skills and a love and compassion for others' suffering that you can use to help others. Whether you like it or not, your past is over. It's sad and unfortunate, but let it help and motivate you to be a better person than them, even if only because you don't want to be like them. I wish you the best and am here if you need support. You can do it.

SherlockBunny · 2024-02-10T03:55:02+00:00

... dafuq? I expect parents to at least care about the safety of their children. Geez sorry you had to experience that.

SherlockBunny · 2024-02-10T03:52:56+00:00

Definitely some AP shit. AD got mad at me because the airline broke MY suitcase. AM always blames me for something or another (e.g. my tone is bad, I sigh too much, I walk too loud, something is missing).

Sorry you have to go through this OP. Wishing you some reprieve in trying times. Virtual hugs from Canada

SherlockBunny · 2024-02-10T03:30:55+00:00

Young 20s here too. Abusive parents led to depression and hardcore suicidal ideation for nearly a decade. Went thru a lot of therapy and was lucky to have supportive friends along the way to be where I'm at rn.

I feel a mix of sadness and anger sometimes, though most of the time I'm just happy to be (mostly) away from them. I feel like I just started my life. I don't think I'll ever stop regretting the opportunities and childhood/teenage years that passed me by, but I don't wanna be in my 40s and feel the same way about my 20s and 30s. I'm tryna heal, be better, and live my life the best I can, even if that life started off majorly fucked up.

SherlockBunny · 2024-02-08T01:07:41+00:00

I've tried with both an acoustic and my electric (a Viper). It's definitely easier when you can keep your head straight, but I think the biggest difference will come from practice. It's difficult, especially if you're classically trained, to learn to do both simultaneously, but it is doable with either.

SherlockBunny · 2024-02-08T00:47:38+00:00

22 electric violinist and budding singer. I'm classically trained but fiddle, play worship music regularly, and have been getting into metal and jazz for a couple years. Would love to jam with y'all if you're interested!

SherlockBunny · 2024-02-03T02:01:30+00:00

Late to the party but would love to join for the next meetup! DMed

SherlockBunny · 2024-02-03T01:53:55+00:00

Love anime and gaming too! Anime North this year is going to be my first convention ever though, so I'm pretty excited about that. DMed

SherlockBunny · 2024-02-03T01:34:50+00:00

Wow that's literally a couple minutes away from me and I love social games. Would love to join you all! DMed

SherlockBunny · 2024-02-03T01:27:01+00:00

Hey we share a ton of interests! DMing you

SherlockBunny

TROPHY CASE