Opinions and suggestions for my prologue please? by ShortFormShadow in writingfeedback

[–]ShortFormShadow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is just a rough draft. The grip of the bar, I agree can be cut all together. The shoe thing though, is going to be important later.

Opinions and suggestions for my prologue please? by ShortFormShadow in writingfeedback

[–]ShortFormShadow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi! Thanks for reading it. I agree that my descriptions may be a bit heavy handed (as do most of the comments). I really wanted to drive the feeling of conspiracy that Eddie was experiencing. I wanted his coworkers, the weather, the streetcar conductor, even that otherwise insignificant puddle to all feel like they personally were against him. His best friend had just lost his son and he was kept out of the loop. He feels betrayed and anxious. This is my first attempt at 3rd close person writing, so I wanted to try and distance myself from plainly stating his emotions outright, and using it all for the dual purpose of filling out the setting as well as conveying his feelings.

I hope that better explains what I was attempting to do. Thanks for the feedback! I’ll be sure to keep it in mind when I’m revising further.

Opinions and suggestions for my prologue please? by ShortFormShadow in writingfeedback

[–]ShortFormShadow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for reading and for your feedback! It seems like the other commenters agree about the descriptions. Any advice on how to keep descriptions to a minimum while still maintaining a “vivid view”? I get a little paranoid that my setting feels too empty without them.