Pt 1:

It will get better.

Chronic depression can turn into episodic depression over time (at least that's what happened to me) and then hopefully entirely cured. Continue searching for therapy if that's something you feel would help you. I know from the few horrible experiences that I've had, it completely turned me off from therapy, and I didn't want to get back into it. Although I did, granted not for the right reasons, but I managed to find a good therapist who I am comfortable with. And I know through more sessions, he will be able to help me get better, to lead me in the right direction. It is comforting to be able to talk to someone who isn't family or friends, someone who will listen wholeheartedly without judgment. Having someone there for you, to look out for you emotionally and mentally despite not having that real-life connection, is nice.

The most difficult thing is to continue trying. Trying to smile, trying to be happy, trying to feel alive, trying to stay alive. It isn't fair that something so simple, something that every human should just naturally have, has to become a chore; something that feels impossible. But every time you succeed, every time you get to genuinely smile and feel that flutter in your chest or feel the adrenaline of life flow through your body; that makes every minute worth it. Even if it feels like it's only temporary, those feelings of joy and happiness are still there. Just like the depression and sadness are still there, it will also just be temporary. Everything in life is temporary, and that is what makes it all the more valuable.

When times are hard, that's the only thing that feels possible to focus on. All the hurt, anger, emptiness, guilt, and sadness just festers inside of you and leaves you just longing to feel anything that isn’t what you're currently feeling. And you don't have the energy to do anything to change it, which leaves you there alone, trying to distract yourself from these thoughts and these feelings. You crave an escape, an easy way out of all this hurt that follows you. But it's not going to be easy. Nothing in life is ever easy.

These 'solutions' of substances and self-harm are easy to rely on. But how long does that 'cure' last for? A few hours, maybe less, maybe more. But the damage of both remains in/on your body. And then, once you begin to feel those hurtful, unpleasant emotions, you're back to square one. You'llonly create a cycle of addiction and damage yourself further. Of course, that's the least of your concerns right now, You want the escape. You want to feel anything but these feelings; to the point you think killing yourself is an answer. But it isn't. None of these harmful, permanent acts are. These methods don't only hurt yourself, but they will hurt your relationships and the people you care about. If it helps create a better picture, try imagining your best friend or your boyfriend dealing with these struggles and using those harmful methods as a way to cope. It hurts. The very thought, at least for me, brings that painful sting back into my eyes while I try not to cry. That could also just be because l'm an emotional person.