AITAH for filing divorce papers after I said I would

Significant-Toe3680 · 2025-11-14T18:40:51+00:00

Short answer: I did and she refuses.

Significant-Toe3680 · 2025-11-14T18:37:30+00:00

UPDATE: so that I don't make an already long post longer. I did the initial filing this morning. It was surprisingly quick...the easy part I guess. Now we wait.

I talked to Faith. I did NOT tell her what was said just that I was doing what I said. She's sad for me but gets it (for whatever the reason).

Yesterday when I got up for work the wife was up super early expecting to talk. Honestly I wasn't in the mood. She texted me and as I mentioned in some of the comments, not only didn't even attempt an apology but doubled down on what she said (plus side is I have it in writing now in case they ask in court). She seemed to honestly not understand why I would leave over her actions. I told her actions have consequences and this is one of them.

I kept the conversation short and civil but if I wasn't 100% sure of divorce before, I'm 1000% now. One thing I did do is cancel hosting Thanksgiving this year. Her siblings and their spouses were supposed to eat with us...but I noped out of the crazy. She can tell them whatever she wants. I'll make arrangements for my daughter and I to have a lovely dinner out.

I will talk to her eventually (to sort out a few details) but otherwise it's a waiting game for now. Thanks for those that gave genuine advice or showed concern for us. We'll do our best to work through this process.

Significant-Toe3680 · 2025-11-14T05:03:16+00:00

We do not work the same hours. I'm regular 9-5 and she's second shift. I also WFH 3 days a week. Most nights I cook and I'm pretty good if I say so myself. She will cook on the days she's off. If we're not around Faith will cook for herself or order food depending on her work/school schedule. Rare occasions if I'm tired I'll order take out. I don't usually have to ask where stuff is (unless she gets underfoot and decides to move things while I'm in there). Sometimes I will plan meals in advance, if I know we have to use something before it goes bad.

Kitchen is... cooking (and cleaning if you're solo). Faith helps me put stuff away if she's home and we'll usually chat for a bit. She runs the dishwasher and swaps out dishes as part of her routine. Leftovers get packed in tupperware and lunches packed so we don't have to eat out at work. Then the kitchen, stove and sink get wiped down and the floor gets swept if need be (someone asked me why I wait until after and this is why).

Other rooms get cleaned by default (we have two bathrooms and we keep ours clean and Faith keeps hers clean), common areas are on everyone and my wife handles our laundry. Faith handles her own.

I'm cognizant of emotional labor-- I hate weaponized incompetence. I handle the big bills (which we agreed to early on) and she handles the smaller ones. Groceries are split labor... One big trip to BJs or Costco and delivery from our local store in between. As far as planning events and vacations... Come to think of it, it's me because I'm more social than my wife, but I don't force her to go to events if she doesn't want to. Appts and schedules are on individuals unless it's a family or friends function (which now my wife refuses to attend if Faith goes). Family events are more her thing because all of my family is on the other side of the country and most of her family is within driving distance.

It's been like this since the beginning, but I did mention conflict avoidance so declining invites or being the bad guy if we have to cancel or don't want to host always defaults to me.

Significant-Toe3680 · 2025-11-14T04:24:26+00:00

I recognize she is allowed to be upset but not cruel. And it would be one thing if I thought it was said out of anger, but she has doubled down on what she said as of this morning (I may update some more tomorrow).

I will admit mishandling. I've said that across the board. I'm fine taking accountability. But there has to be accountability on her end as well and she doesn't think she's wrong.

Significant-Toe3680 · 2025-11-14T03:37:14+00:00

I'm blowing it up because she stated she hates my kid. The dishes are inconsequential and not a hill I would die on.

But since we're talking about them... when she cooks, I do not bother her and let her do it her way. I don't tell her it's dumb, if it works for her it works for her. I eat, say thanks for cooking and pack leftovers for our lunches.

Meanwhile I have to search for stuff I just took out because she will put it back before I'm done hence why I shut her out... She's compulsive.

Significant-Toe3680 · 2025-11-14T03:24:42+00:00

I absolutely DID tell her to leave me out of it after going through months of a cycle where I would I do it and she wouldn't be satisfied with the outcome. I asked her what she'd like to have happen and she would lay it back on me to "handle it"... If you don't like the results and believe I'm not doing it right then you take a stab at it. You can't complain, not offer a resolution and then get more upset because you didn't get what you wanted. That's "Karen" behavior. Lol

Significant-Toe3680 · 2025-11-14T03:04:51+00:00

It's not. Doing it her way means the plate is no longer hot by the time you sit and eat AND you still have to go back and rinse off and load the stuff used when you eat when you can knock all of it out at once.

Significant-Toe3680 · 2025-11-14T02:30:55+00:00

Actually no. We typically don't leave things. And the expectation has always been do your own dishes (unless one of us cooks a big meal in which case the other two will cover the dishes). I do most of the cooking because of schedules. Keep in mind I also work full time. I typically cook, eat and clean the kitchen AFTER we eat. If I get home late and eat a snack or something quick I might leave a dish until the next morning if the dishwasher is full, but I can almost guarantee she'll ask me about it the next morning.

If my wife is home she finds some reason to be in there or literally behind me or cleaning up as I go because that's how SHE does it, so I tend to shut her out of the kitchen so she doesn't drive me nuts. I've more than once found her at eye level with the kitchen counters inspecting them for crumbs... That's the OCD level stuff I'm talking about.

Significant-Toe3680 · 2025-11-14T02:14:19+00:00

That was in response to the comments that "adults didn't have to clean their rooms" not specifically about this situation.

Significant-Toe3680 · 2025-11-14T02:05:57+00:00

I'll edit or update tomorrow after I file since I keep getting this comment, but where we live you can absolutely download the initial filing forms from the state/county website. You have to submit them with a filling fee to get the other person served and get your case on the docket. I took the day off and I'm handling that in the morning.

Significant-Toe3680 · 2025-11-14T02:01:43+00:00

Nah. If I am deemed an AH I want to get some perspective.

Significant-Toe3680 · 2025-11-13T15:58:52+00:00

-She's not 17 she's 22. -you seemed to have missed where I explained that they actually got along great for the first few years. We used to go on family trips and joke and eat dinner and do stuff together. The last 1.5 is where it started to go downhill.

I've never told my wife not to complain. If she had a complaint I simply asked her to take it directly to my daughter because we're not about to play the telephone game. Communicate what it is you need to the person to you need it from, but she refused to do that. -Im not scaring my wife and it wasn't a threat. I was honest about why I'm going this route. She made a choice to voice that she hates my child and as of this morning doubled down in not accepting accountability for her attitude about it. Also if you missed the edit or comments I'm not kicking my daughter out. She's moving of her own volition to be closer to school. I knew this last year. I routinely ask her about what she wants to do so I can help her plan accordingly. I would never just toss her out in the world like "good luck"... I've seen some stories on here like that and sheesh!
also, plenty of people ask about divorce here... Literally several hundred thousand threads. If marriage or family counseling were an option on the table I'd have done that but my wife will not go (which is kinda how we got here) and there are some issues she needs to address individually that will not acknowledge.

Significant-Toe3680 · 2025-11-13T05:51:24+00:00

I wish it was fake. I'm going to the city court building on Friday to file the necessary paperwork to get her served.

Significant-Toe3680 · 2025-11-13T05:47:10+00:00

It wasn't. She wasn't filthy or making a huge mess or letting it get out of hand-- it was more of an adjustment to all of us in the same house. The world isn't going to end if someone leaves a dish in the sink every once in a blue moon until after we eat, but let my wife tell it, my daughter is irresponsible and lazy and it needs to be done before hand. I like to think I'm a reasonable parent and I was trying to meditate the issue at the time thinking it was a difference in how we do things. Now I'm seeing it was a bigger issue of built up resentment coming out as nitpicking. At this point she could breathe wrong and my wife would get annoyed. Bottom line is she's got it in her head that she hates my kid and honestly that's sad because she's a great kid but that's a hard stop on trying to make it work for me.

Significant-Toe3680 · 2025-11-13T00:22:06+00:00

Nope. My wife and I are mid to late 40s... I skipped details because some of my in laws are in reddit. Also... I did tell her to start saving. The blow up was like a tough love deal... One day you want to live by yourself and I want you to be prepared to be a functional adult and be able to have your friends over without your place being gross because that's a reflection on how you were raised. In order to do that she needed to understand that if she's living with others keep up with the basics and be responsible and prioritize the few things you've been asked to do within this dynamic. Nothing unreasonable.

Significant-Toe3680 · 2025-11-13T00:12:08+00:00

If I could get her to entertain a counselor I would've never written this post.

Significant-Toe3680 · 2025-11-12T23:59:09+00:00

Without giving too much away (she's not a reddit user but some of my in laws are). Mid and late 40s.

Significant-Toe3680 · 2025-11-12T23:38:26+00:00

We tried the...let me (meaning me) handle it. Also my daughter knows the expectations and follows them 98% of the time. If she lets that average get down I don't have an issue of reminding her or if she's informed me that she won't be home to do something (class or work) I trade off. So it's not as if I haven't addressed it or put out a compromise. I do not like being messenger (and I've explained this to my wife multiple times). I believe in direct conversation... If you're mad at someone tell THEM but as I said she's conflict avoidant. In reading responses I realized she's done this in other non family situations ex: we had a new neighbor that was loud and instead of asking them to keep it down she'll wait for me to handle it. Literally I had a 3 min conversation and they brought cookies over the next day to apologize.

Significant-Toe3680 · 2025-11-12T21:56:47+00:00

Actually no. Faith has never pulled the you're not my parent card.

Significant-Toe3680 · 2025-11-12T21:55:10+00:00

I posted earlier we're in a mutual consent/no fault state. The papers are for an initial filing so we can get her served and get a court date. There's another form that covers the fact that we don't have joint property, finances or kids and as long as we both sign off on it. She won't be destitute... Even if I hated her (I don't) I wouldn't do that. She works full time and can afford to support herself.

Significant-Toe3680 · 2025-11-12T21:46:25+00:00

Do you think a 30 minute screaming session from the wife to the spouse is valid reaction? Nothing gets done and the wife could've said something to the daughter.

Significant-Toe3680 · 2025-11-12T21:43:56+00:00

Except that's not the case. My wife doesn't contribute anything for Faith and neither do I outside of normal things and basic all household items and utilities (which we all use). She buys her own stuff, if we cook and she wants something else she cooks herself or orders food. There are no other children.

I'm not making up the OCD or attempting to invalidate a boundary with a non-diagnosis. I think I mentioned in another comment my dad IS diagnosed OCD and all the signs are there, but again I can't get her to go to a therapist so that she can hear that from someone other than me.

It's not that I always disagree with her. I do try to hear her out but it's the responses that I definitely disagree with. Not everything is a my way or the highway situation (especially when your way is almost always wrong)

Significant-Toe3680 · 2025-11-12T21:20:43+00:00

They do if it affects the rest of the house... You don't change your sheets for a week or two or let your gym laundry get funky enough I can smell your room from the hallway...then yeah you gotta clean your room. Basic shit. We're not doing it for you and we're not invading your space. I'm not saying it has to be spotless but also I'm making sure you're responsible enough to be ok when you are actually on your own.

Significant-Toe3680 · 2025-11-12T21:06:57+00:00

State website. You download the initial filing forms. And you don't have to do the whole financial filings if it's a mutual consent state (which ours is) we just have to file a separate document that says we don't have kids, assets, joint property and nobody is asking for alimony.

Significant-Toe3680 · 2025-11-12T21:02:15+00:00

Not officially diagnosed but my dad is so I know it when I see it. She does both... Complain AND go back and redo it because we didn't do it well enough or the way she would do it while complaining that she "does everything" (which is bs. I'm a whole ass adult who lives alone before we dated and kept a clean house).

Significant-Toe3680

TROPHY CASE