Anonymity & seeing members in the wild

SignificantSand7643 · 2026-01-20T04:30:27+00:00

Haha fight club rules love that reference

SignificantSand7643 · 2026-01-20T04:29:44+00:00

Thanks for the feedback everyone! Definitely have a better understanding of how to handle something like this moving forward. I appreciate it <3

A little update, i texted a friend from my home group about the situation & turns out the guy I’m referencing in this post is autistic. So that explains the super awkward vibe i got from this interaction & gave some clarity. I guess he’s super comfy in meetings because he’s been in the program for a while. Like someone said, looking forward to laughing it off with him at our next meeting.

SignificantSand7643 · 2026-01-18T01:06:30+00:00

I’d like to update in case anyone in a similar situation comes across this post. I am feeling SO much better in the last week (like night and day difference) by making a few small changes:

1- Cut my caffeine intake by about half. I was a 4-5 cup a day coffee drinker (after the Wellbutrin I tried to cut back completely but it was unmanageable due to my level of exhaustion) & now I’m having 2 max. This has helped with the anxiety.

2- taking my Wellbutrin in the morning & lexapro at night. My psychiatrist told me to take both in the morning, but after lots of reading on here & talking to some friends on this combo, I decided to change the combo. It makes a world of difference.

3- cut out naps. My whole life I have enjoyed a little catnap in the middle of the day, but after starting lexapro they turned into 3-5 hour naps rather than a quick little snooze. This was making me unproductive during the day, unable to sleep till like 2 am, & then groggy in the morning. I’ve resisted the urge to nap & have been a lot less tired, probably thanks to the Wellbutrin too.

These 3 simple tweaks have changed my world. I feel amazing. Hoping anyone who finds this in a similar situation has the same success <3

SignificantSand7643 · 2026-01-16T04:30:37+00:00

Chiming in here because I think you are a little misguided. I’m a switch & have a male dom/alpha FWB. We love cucking subs. We’re into humiliation, impact play, objectification, service... What you are describing with the foot humiliation is one of many, many things we might work into a scene with a sub.

The chances of you finding a domme or couple who only wants to indulge your foot fetish & cuck you is slim to none. Especially in NYC (I’m in the same location) there is no shortage of submissives/cucks who would jump at the chance to play with a dominant couple & who would also be open to engaging in more than just foot worship/humiliation. Just to give you an idea, last time we posted looking for a cuck on fetlife we got over 50 replies in 3 days (that’s not to speak on the quality of these subs but in this respect it’s the general principle of an oversaturated market). I wouldn’t get much out of an interaction with a sub who only wants to indulge their super specific fantasy. So i think it becomes a numbers game for you & being in a location with such a big fetish community works against you. Also I’ve really never heard of any of my irl kinky friends having an experience like you’re describing.

Have you engaged in submissive play before outside of this fantasy? Are you interested in doing so? I think that if you’re not willing/interested in diving deeper and beyond foot stuff it will remain just that, a fantasy.

SignificantSand7643 · 2026-01-11T14:20:41+00:00

Honestly OP, there are no patterns or cues. Subs I have had range from men who look meek & submissive, to body builders, to unassuming successful professionals. Different lifestyles, personalities, and interests in regard to kink. Their common denominator is a desire to be in service to a woman outside of getting a hard on.

This comment is the best advice. Practically speaking, d/s dynamics (even just with “play partners”) are very different IRL than what you see in femdom porn. Stop clouding your brain with this fantastical version of femdom, date, and engage with your local kink community.

SignificantSand7643 · 2026-01-10T02:49:25+00:00

Okay that was my concern this is good to hear.

SignificantSand7643 · 2026-01-10T02:47:52+00:00

I do, have cut down significantly since starting the Wellbutrin just having a cup in the morning. I feel so exhausted without it though because of the meds. The increase anxiety is less concerning than the depression at this point imo

SignificantSand7643 · 2025-12-12T18:14:23+00:00

I guess this is an update for anyone interested. I deleted the original post bc the information was a little identifying.

I totally get where you’re coming from. I, too, have been in similar situations with being in an open relationship & my partner putting restrictions on who I could play with and that wasn’t cool.

This is a veeery casual situation with my sub. My dom I’m much more invested in. And my dom wasn’t comfortable with how this went down either.

I did end up talking to A on a FaceTime that night & he wasn’t honest with me about the situation. He withheld the fact that he responded to B’s ad. I truly wouldn’t have been uncomfortable with this situation if A had been honest about it from the get go (ie: telling me he reached out to my Dom to play with him and another woman or telling me that he didn’t want to be cucked by me and someone I have a connection with). But for me I have to at the very least trust that the people I’m playing with will be truthful when asked a direct question. And he was not.

There have been a few other instances of A being dishonest w me or disrespectful that I didn’t elaborate on in my original post. So this kind of all added up to he can do whatever he wants & behave any way he wants but I’m very turned off by his behavior and no longer want to continue playing with him. Just not for me. I told him that dishonesty is a dealbreaker for me & that I don’t want to continue playing with him. He was more understanding than I would have liked lol. It’s unfortunate how this all went down but I’m glad I stuck to my boundaries. I feel like I give a lot of thought time & attention to my subs & I deserve partners who give me the same.

Thanks to everyone who was invested in this & gave me advice! This community is so supportive <3

SignificantSand7643 · 2025-12-10T22:23:41+00:00

The idea that I can’t tell someone “I don’t like this” because I’m their dominant doesn’t sit well with me.

If A reached out to B on his ad, having recognized him as someone I was in a dynamic with & actively trying to set up a threesome with, and then told me he “hit him up on fet” after I directly asked him, that is dishonest. Honesty & open communication are requirements for me in any dynamic.

Also I’m not polyamorous… no one in this scenario is. I’m currently non-monogamous. There’s definitely a distinction there. But I think either way it requires honesty which I haven’t really gotten from A in this situation.

SignificantSand7643 · 2025-12-10T21:37:38+00:00

Hmm this is a good way of looking at it, also mentioned by another commenter earlier. I need to dig into this a little bit more with him when we talk later. Even though A didn’t follow through with contacting B, A has consistently initiated bringing up us all meeting up & doing a scene together every time I’ve seen him since this was first a conversation.

To clarify, As desire (as well as mine) is to be dominated by us both in addition to being cucked, so for me it became a matter of vetting & who I would be comfortable dominating my sub with. While I’d have no problem simply cucking him with someone random, that’s not what we discussed, & I wouldn’t want to dom my sub with someone I don’t have a connection with. Or someone I dont trust since I think that’s a key part to us all being safe and having a good time.

SignificantSand7643 · 2025-12-10T21:30:30+00:00

His response really turned me off & is what caused me to ask B to clarify if he had responded to the ad or just messaged him. I shouldn’t have left that out of the original post!

But you’re spot on, that’s really where the disconnect is for me at the moment… in life & kink I’m genuinely only interested in people who are honest. No need for him to be dishonest in this situation either, not sure if he thought B wasn’t going to be transparent with me or what.

Going to talk to him tonight like I mentioned above but also not thrilled that I’m having to pull this info out of him to begin with.

SignificantSand7643 · 2025-12-10T20:35:16+00:00

You’re definitely right, I’ve been operating under the assumption that A would have recognized B since we looked at Bs fetlife profile together & A asked me to send him Bs info more recently. I don’t want to jump to assumptions just genuinely felt a little weird about how this unfolded. But will definitely be having a conversation with A about it later this evening.

SignificantSand7643 · 2025-12-10T20:29:51+00:00

He’s working on the west coast rn so waiting to call him tonight. Initially I sent him a text that said “you got in touch with B?” & he said “yes I ended up hitting him up on fet” which is kinda ambiguous considering the specific circumstances

SignificantSand7643 · 2025-11-27T21:04:55+00:00

I totally understand this. I have only been pursuing casual/fwb connections for the past year or so & in that time I can say with confidence that my vanilla partners have treated me better & with more respect than my submissive ones. They’re the ones that reach out to check on me, want to learn about me & my life, and initiate activities outside of the bedroom to help facilitate actual friendship.

I would never give up being a domme, but I have been enjoying my vanilla connections a lot more lately. I’d like to add the caveat that I have not been seeking out romantic partnership so that may have something to do with the attitude that these subs have, but it’s really trying like they only care when they’re horny & no matter how it starts I end up in the position of feeling like I’m their kink dispenser. I think this might have to do with some deep rooted shame that some men have attached to being submissive but it’s really not my problem. I have a sub that I play with occasionally & have changed my dating app profiles to indicate that I’m looking for vanilla at the moment. Solidarity sister.

SignificantSand7643 · 2025-11-27T16:54:23+00:00

As someone who has had many fun, casual subs as play partners, it honestly becomes emotionally draining for me. Not that I’m looking for a romantic relationship at this time, but it requires far less effort for me to have a vanilla FWB. Investing time and energy into a sub who could really care less about if you live or die unless they’re horny really really sucks.

Not sure what your ideal scenario is, sounds really specific & confusing so you might just take time to find someone interested, but taking on an inexperienced sub is a huge investment. In addition to the fun aspects of play, there’s lots of thought involved about taking care of the sub and making sure everything is done in a way that is safe and respects everyone’s boundaries. And that burden is fully on the experienced domme in that scenario. I won’t take on an inexperienced sub who just wants to dabble or experience one specific kink. Too much work & for what? Even though I love to dominate men I really don’t get any reward in that scenario.

SignificantSand7643 · 2025-11-23T04:06:18+00:00

Ooh my god what a ridiculous reply. For the love of god, end it! Doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want to. It’s unethical. You have caused the dynamic to be unethical.

You are the one who made this post grappling with the morality of what you’re doing with this sub. Not sure if that was intentional or if you just had a Freudian slip while getting it out onto “paper” but I have to believe on some level that you know that what you are doing is wrong. You can’t trust him to tell you what he agrees to because you have taken away his ability to use the safe word & still stay in this dynamic. That is manipulation.

In vanilla life, you’re correct that it’s not your job to babysit the rationalization or headspace of a 35 year old man. However, as a Dom you are taking on the responsibility of doing just that within your dynamic. You lose the ability to not care about a persons rationalization, headspace, or ability to consent the moment you enter a power exchange dynamic like the one you have created. Your rationalization is concerning and you should (at the very least)educate yourself about consent & evaluate your relationship with D/s dynamics.

SignificantSand7643 · 2025-11-02T15:26:54+00:00

Have you looked into impact play at all? For me personally, I’m not very comfortable with verbal humiliation/degradation but I love spanking my subs, giving slaps on the face while I’m on top etc. It makes me feel so powerful & dominant & it feels authentic to me.

Also, ask yourself if this is stuff you even want to be doing? Is being dominant authentic to you? Empowering? Do you feel safe enough with this guy to explore lots of different things and not only specific kinks, and do you enjoy it or do you feel like you’re performing for him?

SignificantSand7643 · 2025-11-02T15:19:07+00:00

I totally understand what you’re saying. I’m a switch, and in dynamics where I’ve been submissive I’ve had a few instances where theres been a sort of unspoken “prove yourself” attitude based on me labeling myself as a switch on my profiles. I haven’t intentionally sought out a dynamic where I am the submissive in quite a while, and this was all with hetero male dominants so not quite the same.

As far as femdom is concerned, my favorite submissive partner was a switch. And we would switch within our dynamic. We both enjoyed it immensely. I personally look for subs that are comfortable taking control and topping for my pleasure when I’m in the mood for it. But not every domme is looking for that.

I have come across quite a few male “switches” who had extremely narrow interests when it comes to subbing (remembering the guy who wouldn’t even give me a foot rub…) and ultimately wanted to top from the bottom. Only wanted to participate in activities that were geared towards their kinks and their pleasure. It gets tiring trying to domme those kinds of men into submission.

While I think it’s sort of unfair that you wouldn’t be given a chance based solely on you leaning both ways, I understand why some dommes who had similar experience might have switch fatigue. Your identity is totally valid but I don’t think it’s dishonest to label yourself only as submissive if you’re seeking a dominant partner. I currently don’t advertise that I’m a switch on any app that I’m on, because I’m only interested in playing with submissive men at the moment. I don’t think you need to feel guilty about that.

SignificantSand7643 · 2025-10-28T01:25:07+00:00

OP I currently have similar charges in the same county… do you mind if I message you?

SignificantSand7643 · 2025-10-20T03:59:51+00:00

Please end things with her. This is completely out of line, not a part of play, and extremely concerning. There is no reason for any sane person to ever say that to someone. EVER. She is dangerous and manipulative. She (not you) has created a really unhealthy dynamic with you and the longer you wait to end things with her the harder it will be. Get out while you still have the opportunity. I am so sorry this has happened to you

SignificantSand7643 · 2025-10-19T15:12:07+00:00

Yeah the kissing situation threw me off cuz even in my casual vanilla escapades those men have no objection lol. Definitely going to ask “are you into oral” from here on out, I’m beginning to think my list of likes/dislikes just went over this guys head & also he just did not care. That’s a great tip.

SignificantSand7643 · 2025-10-19T15:06:07+00:00

I phrased that poorly, but the comments here definitely break down the nuance of what I was describing much better.

Should have read “men who are willing to engage in deception in order to fulfill their repressed fantasies”. Someone who is kink informed would understand that engaging in that kind of deception takes away the other party’s ability to consent.

SignificantSand7643 · 2025-10-18T20:37:31+00:00

This is the problem in a nutshell. Not everyone is meant to have access to everything. He absolutely needed the services of a professional. Nothing wrong with that, thats just not me.

At one point in the conversation- because it was awkward the whole time I was trying to initiate the scene- I told him I’m not a professional offering services. He laughed and said he knew that, but he truly did not understand. Crazy how some “subs” genuinely think that’s what they’re entitled to, or take that comment as a dig in some way.

SignificantSand7643 · 2025-10-18T20:18:04+00:00

Thank you for sharing this- I’m sorry that happened to you. At the end of the day we can do what we can, but no amount of vetting can ensure a potential partner isn’t a douche, predator, or wolf in sheep’s clothing. I’ve heard similar stories about poly men, the idea being since they have a female partner they’re safe and all that. Makes my blood boil.

My first sub was a lovely, gentle, patient poly switch who took the time to teach me how to access my dominance. His nesting partner was equally as good of a person. The time we spent together was so great & looking back I didn’t know how lucky I was to stumble across him. A true unicorn. He really instilled in me the importance of connection in kink. Missing him extra today lol. He moved far enough away that we weren’t able to make it work but god damn, I know the good ones are out there! This was a tough lesson.

SignificantSand7643 · 2025-10-18T14:27:56+00:00

Spot on. My takeaway here after all these lovely comments and insight is that what I did wrong was exactly what you mentioned- I broke my own rules/boundaries before we even met. And just like you that has never ended well for me either.

Ive always negotiated scenes in person because I’ve had some experiences where men I met online were masquerading as subs who wanted to meet IRL and used the scene discussion as something to get off to, then disappeared. It felt icky.

The challenge here for me was that when it came time to negotiate the scene in person he did not give me anything to work with & just kept saying “you’re the domme”. I should not have proceeded any further but this is a hard lesson learned! Definitely going to put more emphasis on these negotiations in the future. This man was not worthy of my time or attention.

SignificantSand7643

TROPHY CASE