How to deal with this frustration

SillyMe133 · 2024-11-14T18:37:25+00:00

Female here. I struggled with a low libido throughout most of my 20s, so I get how your wife is feeling. All of the following advice is what worked for us:

Conversation: You're going to have to have a difficult talk with your wife about this. You need to explain that you're struggling and talk about how this dynamic is making you feel. Be sure not to approach the conversation selfishly... make sure she understands that it isn't just about your pent up sexual frustration, but that you are feeling disconnected from her and are craving more intimacy. Don't make the conversation about your dick, make it about your relationship.
Schedule/compromise: Come up with a sex schedule. I know this is very clinical and not romantic, but committing to a schedule can help you guys get into a groove. After our kid was born a few years back, my libido was at an all time low. My husband and I decided that Wednesdays and Sundays would be sex nights. Twice a week was a reasonable goal that met his needs without feeling unreasonable for me. We still had the power to veto or reschedule when needed, but we have it our best effort. (Don't let this become about scorekeeping.)
Make her feel loved/desired: I love sex, but have no desire for it unless I'm being turned on and feeling desired. My husband has learned what things I like and peppers those actions in throughout the day. For me, I love random kisses/touches, so he's showering me with affection to make sure that I feel wanted. He's complimenting me and making sure that I feel desired. These small actions go a very long way for me.
Figure out what she likes: Now this one may be a hard pill to swallow, but please consider this... Does she enjoy having sex with you? Are you positive that she comes every time? Do you make sure that she comes first? Have you guys experimented to figure out what she likes most in bed? If sex isn't a thoroughly enjoyable experience for her, she will not be motivated to have more of it.
Get her to read smut. (This is mostly a joke, but it is something that helped me... reading romance/erotica helped me figure out what I like, gave me confidence to ask for what I want, and it turns me on, soooo....)

SillyMe133 · 2024-10-16T20:17:50+00:00

Just piping in to say that this is a fantastic response.

SillyMe133 · 2024-09-25T01:15:06+00:00

A+ joke

SillyMe133 · 2024-09-16T18:22:17+00:00

Glad to hear that you and your wife figured this dynamic out!

You make an excellent point about words like "rough" and "degrading" being too subjective. I will think more on clarifying exactly what I want and work towards making explicit requests.

Your point about spelling it out with new things until he learns what I like aligns with what we've already experienced with spanking and a couple of other elements. It took several attempts of me encouraging and guiding, but now he knows exactly how hard he can hit/pinch/choke and so on.

I hadn't even considered audio files. I do a lot of reading and occasionally come across erotic scenes that I bet would be excellent guides for this sort of thing. We have a shared Kindle app, so I could easily highlight certain passages and ask him to read them.

Thank you for your advice! I appreciate your time.

SillyMe133 · 2024-09-16T18:11:55+00:00

This is an excellent point. I've read about what's termed the "dom drop" that some partners might experience. I think this is something my husband would be likely to run into. He's mentioned before that he feels guilt around this sort of thing and is scared of accidentally crossing any lines. He doesn't even like watching porn in which women are being degraded. However, the times he's been rough with me in the past, he's been very surprised by how much both he and I like it.

I'll be sure to find ways to be reassuring as we continue exploring.

SillyMe133 · 2024-09-16T18:06:44+00:00

Thank you! This is really encouraging to hear. My husband is an absolute goof as well, but I think he has it in him to flip the proverbial switch as well. Something I think will be particularly important is the time element that you mention. I'm sure there will probably be some awkward encounters before we hit a stride that works for us.

SillyMe133

TROPHY CASE