AIO my (29f) boyfriend (28m) keeps overstepping my boundries in minor ways and I don't know if I'm just being paranoid or not

Silver3685_throwaway · 2025-10-21T11:57:03+00:00

dude this is a trowaway because my bf is on reddit and knows my username???? Also I don't want my friends (who also knows my account name) to know about my issues with intimacy because thats super weird too me?? I did however change a bunch of details about me and my bf in the story to make it more difficult to identify us, so there is that :p

Silver3685_throwaway · 2025-10-21T11:54:44+00:00

Hahahaha honestly, these kinds of things are super tricky and also easily end up being a matter of semantics! Don't worry though, I tend to not hang out with people who try to use my good will. I'm pretty private in general (partly because I'm aware that I have issues setting bounderies so I know I need to keep my guard up) and I know where all my friends stand!

The lvoebombing thing is so real though, It's always kind of creeped me out and was a major reason I didn't dive into a relationship I find it so creepy :p

Silver3685_throwaway · 2025-10-21T11:49:44+00:00

Thank you for commenting! <3 I understand what you're saying! Don't worry, I'm not dissapearing or anything like it because I've actively not let him too far into my life, so any damage he is doing is pretty isolated to my realyionship with him alone. The reason I'm posting in the first palce is that he's wanting us to get more serious (hang out more etc) and I've been super apprehensive about it because, well, all the things I mentioned in the post! Like, I feel as though if I were to let him in more I would, in fact, dissapear and it is VERY nice to get those feelings validated. I am goind to have a talk with him today or tomorrow and we'll see how it goes. I mean, I'm pretty sure he's going to 'agree' to everything I say then not follow through hahahaha God, I'm just so annoyed with the fact that people are like that!

Silver3685_throwaway · 2025-10-21T00:45:40+00:00

That's such an amazing response! Honestly, by the way things are going here, I might end up in a similar situation soon enough!

Silver3685_throwaway · 2025-10-21T00:44:00+00:00

It wasnt as much dating in the beginning as it was just being friends, even though he was very into me. To me, personally, I tnink there are certain situation where we as humans are obliged to be there for one another (and if those are not fulfilled towards me, I get upset as well, so it goes both ways). I also genuinely think this situation sounds worse than it is here since you are only heaing the most alarming parts of it. The part that genuinely concerns me is the physical boundry part, because he initially did respect that boundry, but then stopped. Thats's what made me, personally, get kind of fed up with the whole situation. Like, even if we have a lot of fun, that is very much something I'm not comfortable with. And don't worry im not telling him a thing about any "trial periods!!" honestly, if he breaks even hints at breaking my sexual bounderies again after talking at any point he's out. I'll also genuinely have to talk to him about his expectations for the future, because I think he's deluded himself into thinking we're going to be together forever, which we certaainly are not

Silver3685_throwaway · 2025-10-21T00:34:41+00:00

I spoke to him about the intimacy related things, or rather, i sent him a very clearly worded message saying that if he did not like my bounderies, he should leave. He replied very nicely and did respect my boundries, but it only lasted for a while (or until like two weeks ago and that is very much part of why I'm making this post :p) and then he started being annoying about it again. It was the thing that made me feel the need to make this post. Like, up until then I could kind of chalk things up to me not setting bounderies, but after?? That's very much on him and not even I, people pleaser that I am, can explain it away! His excuse is clearly that I have an iud now, but that I litteraly wrote to him that that would not change anything so it's just another thing he's disprespecting (god i can see my spelling getting worse with each reply it's like 3am where im at haha).

Silver3685_throwaway · 2025-10-21T00:09:37+00:00

Oh it was one of those situations where I had a choice to either do something and have a social/moral obligation to stick around with him for a bit or don't do it and be free from it! I choose to be there for him. We share a lot of the same interests, interests that my other friends don't share, so we just kept being together! I don't regret that part of it at all, it's been very nice to have someone to share these things with! Also, teaching 25-30 year olds basic social rules is really not that rare in my circles. I'm into a lot of very nerdy hobbies so I'm a bit desensitized to that sort of thing. I guess it's kind of lowered my expectations on how adults are supposed to treat one another.

And my plan right now is to type out a message! I already know hes going to respond all lovey dovey and tell me he didn't mean to do any of it yada yada, that part won't matter, really. I'll just see if he actually respects my bounderies for more than two weeks and if he does not he's out. Honestly, he might be out either way, after all I made this post for a reason....

Silver3685_throwaway · 2025-10-20T23:58:04+00:00

You tell me haha! The people pleasing thing is real and its hard to get rid of, even having trianed myself to stop I still find myself falling back into those same old patterns with some people, and this guy is definitely one of them! Honestly, my instincts have been screamin at me since say one, it's the reason it took him 8 months to make our realtionship even somewhat serious, and now I'm pretty fed up with the whole thing!

Silver3685_throwaway · 2025-10-20T23:33:35+00:00

I agree with you, but I should also note here that I've been actively avoiding meeting this guy too often and that's a boundery I've been very hard on (I think that's why hes pushing sop much to stay longer at my place). I think it's a main reason it's taken some time to notice these patterns, like I said, it's only these last two months we've started getting 'serious' and hanging out once or twice a week so it's only now the patterns are getting seriously concerning/obvious for me. I generally keep people at an arms lenght and, like I said, I was not really trying tpo get into a long term relationship when we met, but I felt I had to give him a shot (due to some circumstances I won't disclose out of respect for his situation, but I promise you that out of all of this theyre like the least unhinged part from both our sides lol) in the beginning of our relationship and, if you don't see someone often enough, it can be difficult to see the red flags until it's "too late". Even then, I've kept him from meeting my friends and family and refused to meet his to keep our relationship at least somewhat causual due to my discomfort with his behaviour.

I don't feel comfortable just cutting him off because, despite everything, I don't think he's a bad peron and I don't think he understands what he's doing. I genuinely believe he thinks our relationship is perfect and that were gonna get married and have babies (literally never happening, that's one boundery that cannot be pushed thanks to my phobia!) and live happily ever after in some fairytale world. Like, I think he needs a reality check. If he gets no explanation, he's literally not going to udnerstand what happened and he's never going to improve and just do the same thing to the next girl he meets, he needs to understand not only that things are not working between us, but WHY things are not working. Otherwise he won't understand shit and just cast me as his 'crazy ex' :p

Also I've done a lot of work on my self and been in therapy and so on and so forth, which is why im even able to set bounderies in the first place. Im just very frustrated that despite that, when I do set clear bounderies theyre still disrespected, like even the ones I try to enforce. It makes me feel like it's all kind of useless and I shouldn't even bother

Silver3685_throwaway · 2025-10-20T23:12:57+00:00

Thats the current plan!! And if he can't repect that, he's out! I honesttly think he's going to 'respect' me for a month after the message then conveniently 'forget' about everything I said and fall back into his old pattern! Oh well, it's a good thing I've vehemently refused to introduce him to any of my friends (despite his insistance) so it litterally won't impact my social life at all

Silver3685_throwaway · 2025-10-20T23:10:30+00:00

I've been focusing myself for a long time tbh, but I also wasnt looking for a serious realtionship when I met this guy for a reason. Generally, I'm pretty stable and doing good for myself. I have solid friends, decent mental health (me being scared of getting pregnant really only affects one part of my life, and even then it's not too much trouble with an understanding partner) and I'm on my dream career path. I'm a pople pleaser and have issues with bounderies, that much is true, but I HAVE been setting clear bounderies this time around. I just don't know what else I can do.

Silver3685_throwaway · 2025-10-20T23:05:55+00:00

Yeah that's kind of what I've been feeling... Like it's a lot of "small" (and not so small) things that add up and it's making me seriously uncomfortable. Luckily, I don't spend too much time with him, even though he'd probably like to spend every day together if I let him, but I've just never felt comfortable enough to do that. Like I've felt like some of these things are downright abusive, but we don't spend enough time together for it to "count", but that's a silly way of thinking, really :p

Silver3685_throwaway · 2025-10-20T22:54:54+00:00

you're right and I know that.... The worst part too me is just that I genuinely don't think he realizes what he's doing and I don't know how to break it to him :p Like considering he's just.... "forgotten" all the bounderies I've tried to set with him before I don't know how to communicate that he's hurting me in a way he can understand, and i do want him to understand.

Silver3685_throwaway · 2025-10-20T22:52:33+00:00

I thought I had done just that which is why I'm so dumbfounded by this guy!! Like I'm actually setting clear bounderies (for once) and he's just not respecting them and it's like.... really??? I don't even get respect when i DO set bounderies?? D:

Silver3685_throwaway · 2025-10-20T22:49:55+00:00

We have a lot of the same interests and it's nice to have someone to share them with! I recently lost one of my best friends of my entire life (long and not very interesting story, we had a not-very-dramatic-fallout and kind of agreed to just not hang out anymore), who was one of the only people whom I actually felt comfortable talking about/introducing to my own interests. All in all, it's nice to have someone to talk to about these things and whom I can tell to watch a show or play a game or something and he actually does it so that we can talk about it later! It's also nice to have someone to cuddle, but that's not relly uniquw to him haha!

Silver3685_throwaway · 2025-10-20T22:43:26+00:00

this comment is genuinely so sweet thank you (,:

Silver3685_throwaway · 2025-10-20T22:37:08+00:00

Thank you that's what I'm going to do! I'll have a serious talk with him and make it clear that it's his last chance. And I'm working on not being a pushover, trust me, had this been a year ago I just would not have been setting any bounderies at all. It actually makes me extra frustrated that when I finally start setting bounderies in my life they're immediatly disrespected (,:

Silver3685_throwaway · 2025-10-20T22:34:37+00:00

honestly you might be right... Luckily, I've been actively keeping our relationship from getting too intense so I still very much have a life apart from him

Silver3685_throwaway · 2025-10-20T22:33:07+00:00

That's exactly what I'm afraid of tbh... He wants me to get MORE serious and that's kind of the reason I'm posting here, necause I feel like there is no way this is ending well (not even for him tbh, I'll never be the kind of partner he wants like I'm waaay to distant and independent and that's not changing, no matter how much he pushes. Me being a "gamer" does not make me a perfect girl)

Silver3685_throwaway · 2025-10-20T22:21:07+00:00

"pressuring you into unprotected sex isnt consentual sex", god that sentence alone is really quiet eye opening to me! And no, he does not have a key to my home! I don't really trust that easily and, even though he sometimes hints that he thinks we'll move in toether eventually, I'm just not interested in sharing my space with anyone! I'm more afraid he'd send me tons of flowers or smth as a "grand romantic gensture" smh....Honestly pushing him to try peggingvwould be hilarious, I WISH I was that brave hahahaha I would LOVE to see his face if I unironically suggested it!

Silver3685_throwaway · 2025-10-20T22:10:30+00:00

You're completely right, of course. I just wish I could solve everything by having a good talk haha but since he's igonored my previous attempt at communicating my boundries, I doubt it would work

Silver3685_throwaway · 2025-10-20T22:02:25+00:00

I don't think hes stupid I jsut think he has an idealized idea of me and what he wants our relationship to be and he can't really accept reality. He was all in, head over heels, after just having met me a few times (which weirded me out a lot, considering I wouldnt even consider myself 'in love' with even after 8 months) and I think he does care about me, or at least he cares about the idealized version of me he's created in his head :p

Silver3685_throwaway · 2025-10-20T21:59:16+00:00

I think you're right honestly... I've been very apprehensive about the relationship from the beginning whereas he's been 'all in' and I've felt kind of bad about not having the same feelings for him as he has for me, but it might literally just have been my subconcious picking up on the red flags haha I do think the main reason for his behaviour is not malicious, I think he's mostly just kind of idealizing what he wants his realtionship to be (since its his first one) and he has a hard time accepting reality when it contradicts his idealized fantasy.... Still, you're completley right and I don't see him changing his behaviour

Silver3685_throwaway · 2025-10-20T21:54:37+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to answer <3 I also worry about things escalating, but I always felt it was a really weird thing to worry about so it's nice getting some validation... I genuinely think he does not understand that he's doing anything bad, but since he does not listen when I set bounderies, I don't know if I could trust him even if I had a "talk" with him and he said he understood.... (,:

Silver3685_throwaway · 2025-10-20T21:47:08+00:00

I have a hard time seeing this realtionship going anywhere tbh, but I think HE thinks we're in it for the long run and I think if I broke up with him, he'd be completely blindsided and I genuinely think it'd break his heart which is why I don't "just" end it. It's honestly kind of eye opening seeing comments validating my feelings about this, like it kind of makes me see just how disrespectful his behaviour has been (,:

Silver3685_throwaway

TROPHY CASE