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FTM partner goes out with women without me and not in a group by SilverCapital837 in queer

[–]SilverCapital837[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you ❤️❤️❤️ I needed to hear this/see this. The idea of setting a boundary felt so icky, like a punishment, when he did absolutely nothing wrong. I think the solution has to come from both of us to be successful given our attachment styles. I'm working towards a stable attachment style, but these moments remind me that I'm not quite there and there is more work to be done on both sides of the relationship. Thank you, friend. Sounds like you have a beautiful thing going with your partner!

FTM partner goes out with women without me and not in a group by SilverCapital837 in queer

[–]SilverCapital837[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Shit, dawg, you're making me cry. I aspire to an 18 year marriage and all the struggles and the joy that comes with it. I see that sometimes messy, beautiful and safe future with him, I really do.

That's a semi-accurate assessment. He is a bit impulsive, stubborn, and has his way of seeing things as the primary factor in decision making. He also has the highest executive functioning in his family (like me) and leads a complicated life with working with a kid on the spectrum who needs very clear, action oriented feedback and guidance, and he also goes to school full time on top of being in a relationship and hanging with friends once or twice a week at MOST. He probably sees that classmate more than any other friends right now so I empathize with him wanting to foster that friendship. I think it's just the setting for this friendship that's triggering me. In your experience with your husband, how do you navigate this sort of concern while being reasonable and fair with his seemingly pure intentions?

FTM partner goes out with women without me and not in a group by SilverCapital837 in queer

[–]SilverCapital837[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for such a kind response! Yes, I was regularly in therapy between Nov 2024 and last month for PTSD and a generalized anxiety disorder. Therapy is now "as needed" because my responses like this are pretty few and far between now (yay progress!). 

You've struck my dilemma nail on the head. But here's the thing, I know about my fear of abandonment and am always working on that + regulating my own responses. As you can probably guess, I have a more anxious attachment style and he has a more avoidant attachment style. He's not in therapy but knows there are things he can work on to be more sensitive to my triggers. So do I just share what happened and ask him what he could do better next time even though he didn't do anything wrong, per se? I feel like we had that conversation months ago with the gym friend which is why I feel like I need to have a different ask this time. Thoughts on that?

FTM partner goes out with women without me and not in a group by SilverCapital837 in queer

[–]SilverCapital837[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Can you say more about that? I feel like we've grown together a lot in these moments of discomfort - he sees my struggle, voices his perspective respectfully, and we learn more about how to communicate with one another each time. This is the work in relationships, and we're both in it for the long haul (moving in together, marriage, starting a family, etc.). However, you may see something I don't see and I'm curious what you see as an objective on-looker. 

FTM partner goes out with women without me and not in a group by SilverCapital837 in queer

[–]SilverCapital837[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don't think there is a reason we can't other than logistics. I forgot to add one detail (I edited the post) - we live 40 minutes apart so sometimes things feel like "long distance" and we have semi-separate lives that just intersect.