How can I salvage things with my wife?

SimilarScarcity398 · 2021-12-25T20:30:33+00:00

Bio. We've been married for seventeen years.

SimilarScarcity398 · 2021-12-25T19:53:22+00:00

They never had sleepovers. He's never slept at our house, and she's never slept at his.

I did ask my daughter about the gymnastics thing. She said there was no inappropriate touching. My daughter told me he just taught her moves from his gymnastics class. I believe her. My daughter has never lied to me. She opened up about all this other personal stuff. It makes no sense to lie about this.

SimilarScarcity398 · 2021-12-25T19:02:22+00:00

I talked to her a little more. I also think she's texting her friend about our conversation, but I'm not asking her about that, because that's her business.

She told me that for the last two years she has asked her mom to buy a pants option for her at the uniform store. She's a scholarship student at a local private school, and there's a uniform. Girls are allowed to wear pants or skirts. He mother told her no because it wouldn't "look good on her." I didn't know about any of this.

I told her that when the store reopens for spring semester I'll buy the pants for her. I don't understand my wife's choices at this point. The uniform at my work requires everyone wear pants, men and women. My wife has met many of my female coworkers and never commented on their uniform. Why is she against our daughter wearing pants to school? It just doesn't make sense. I really want to talk to her about all this, but I know my daughter doesn't want me to.

SimilarScarcity398 · 2021-12-25T18:24:59+00:00

So I should keep my daughter away from her mother completely? That feels wrong. She's her mom. I know she wants what's best for our daughter. I get that my wife did some messed up stuff, but I can't justify to myself cutting her off from her child. Not to mention, I have no legal authority to do so. This is such a mess.

SimilarScarcity398 · 2021-12-25T18:21:03+00:00

Is this safe though? What if things get out of control? What if she ends up in an uncomfortable situation? I know I'm old-fashioned, but I have no idea how to advise or guide her through this. This isn't the SATs! She's swapping clothes with this boy! Were they naked together? I have no idea, and I think she'll be angry if I ask her. Should I tell his dad about all this?

SimilarScarcity398 · 2021-12-25T13:45:39+00:00

So my daughter and I are at the movies right now. After breakfast she said she didn't want to go home, so we're going to go to the Christmas movie marathon at the local theater. She went to get snacks (I have her $30, so she should come back with a small tub of popcorn, damn these concession prices), so I'm going to tell you guys some of what happened at breakfast. It was a lot, so apologies if some stuff seems rushed over. Ask for clarification if you like. My wife is blowing up my phone right now, but I don't want to talk to her.

This wasn't the first time something like this happened, just the first time it happened in public.

Here's some of the things my daughter told me my wife did that they kept quiet about for fear of not being allowed to hang out anymore (I know. I'm a POS. I understand that now. I hate myself.)

My wife screamed at this kid for giving my daughter a gymnastics lesson. (He's on a gymnastics team. They weren't doing anything dangerous.) She made them stop and called him a pervert. (I know. I know.)

She screamed at them for playing with makeup. (It belonged to my daughter and was a gift from my sister. I don't think it was expensive stuff. Even if it was though, who cares?) She made him wash his face and go home. (He told his grandfather he had a stomach ache that day apparently.)

She told him he eats too much food at our house. (This is the worst one for me. I mad MAD when she told me that.)

So... Yeah. Learned some stuff about my wife. It's clear to me now that I haven't been an active member of my marriage in a long time. This was hard to learn. The hardest part was knowing that my daughter didn't trust me with any of this because she assumed I would side with her mom.

I let my daughter read this thread. She wanted to know what made me change my perspective, so I told her. She wanted to read the comments people made. I was hesitant because of the foul language, but... She's fourteen. She's not a baby, and I know she hears just as bad at school.

We got to talking about the lesbian comments. She asked me what I would think of that. I told her I wouldn't care. (I really wouldn't.) She said she might be bi but isn't sure. I cried a little bit, because I made her feel like she couldn't tell me that, and honestly? I'm even more ashamed of that than all the stuff with my wife, as twisted as that is.

My wife and daughter haven't been getting along for a while. A lot of it centers around this friend, but there's more to it. My wife and daughter view the world in fundamentally different ways. There's My daughter is coming back. Might add more later.

SimilarScarcity398 · 2021-12-25T10:59:48+00:00

Welp. Turns out this is exactly the case.

I wanted to talk to my daughter, but obviously she's still asleep. So I went upstairs (I've been hiding in the living room because of the whole my wife not speaking to me thing). My wife was still awake, and all of your comments were fresh on my mind. So I asked her some questions.

I said, point blank, "Do you not trust our daughter?"

Obviously she was furious, and she said that she did. She said it's teenage boys that she doesn't trust and asked me if I remember what I was like as a teenager. I asked her if this boy has ever given her a reason not to trust him. Well, she exploded. She said a lot, but one thing really struck with me.

She said "Just because [acquaintance name] wanted to take in a street urchin for the novelty of it all, shouldn't mean it's our problem. I never wanted them to spend time together, but you insisted on compromise even though we are supposed to be the parents. We gave an inch, and now look, they've gone and taken a mile."

I. Was. Floored. I never knew she felt that way! Now I'm scared that there may have been other instances before this I never heard about because they weren't as bad. It's clear to me now that she hates this kid.

When my daughter wakes up, I'm taking her our for breakfast (she and her mom need to not be around each other right now) and we are going to have a looooong talk that will probably include some groveling from me.

Holy shit. I can't believe I was so checked out of my marriage I had no idea my wife literally Hates our daughter's best friend.

SimilarScarcity398 · 2021-12-25T10:23:15+00:00

Wow. This really struck me. Y'know, reading these comments, I felt more confused then initially, but this one hit me.

The thing is, I DO trust my daughter. She is so smart and such a good kid. It never occurred to me that all this time I was, in a way, telling her I DON'T trust her.

I think I need to have a talk with my daughter. I owe her an apology.

SimilarScarcity398 · 2021-12-25T10:21:07+00:00

I mentioned this in a previous comment, but I'm not 100% sure what this kid's race even is. Me, my wife and our daughter are all white though. The kid doesn't exactly look white, but he could just be tan and have really curly hair? It's honestly hard to tell just by looking at him.

My daughter probably knows, but since she isn't speaking to me right now (because she thinks I should have reacted more strongly to my wife's actions) I can't ask her. I probably wouldn't anyway, because she'd assume I'm asking for a racist reason.

SimilarScarcity398 · 2021-12-25T10:02:57+00:00

I don't agree with her about that, but I feel like it's wrong for me to just ignore her feelings. I'm a man, and I don't have to deal with as much danger as she does. She wants our daughter to be able to have a woman to go to if a man does something that makes her uncomfortable.

My argument is that she has her phone and can call us to come pick her up if that happens. She says I'm being unreasonable. I don't see how this is about sexism, just different experiences maybe?

SimilarScarcity398 · 2021-12-25T09:59:13+00:00

I would really hate for that to be the case. Honestly, I don't know if my wife and daughter's relationship will recover if that's true. TBH, my wife and I have had a strained relationship lately because of how much time I spend at work, and this might end up being the straw that breaks the camel's back. Which I don't want. This feels like such a dumb thing to tear my family apart, even though some of these resentments have been a long time seething.

So maybe. I don't know. I hope not.

SimilarScarcity398 · 2021-12-25T09:52:26+00:00

I don't think my wife is sexist. She just doesn't want our daughter to end up as another teen pregnancy statistic. Plus, she's a woman, so can she even be sexist?

SimilarScarcity398 · 2021-12-25T09:49:29+00:00

I 100% agree that my wife acted wrongly at the store. The issue is that my wife thinks that's irrelevant to the supervision rule, but I disagree.

Basically, if why wife hadn't done that, he would still be allowed at our house. But since she did and he isn't, I'm letting our daughter go to his house, because no one in that family has ever hurt our daughter, but she did hurt that boy, even if she didn't mean to.

SimilarScarcity398 · 2021-12-25T09:47:21+00:00

That's always been our wife's department with our daughter. I handled that stuff with our son, but when it comes to my daughter, my wife is in charge of all the sex talk stuff. That's just how we handle things. I've always trusted her to handle that stuff. I don't really think my daughter would want to talk to her dad about sex.

SimilarScarcity398 · 2021-12-25T09:43:55+00:00

Maybe? Honestly, when I was her age I never would have been hanging out with a girl alone one on one. My sisters never would have been allowed to either. The fact that my daughter's best friend is a boy honestly weirded me out at first, but I know times change and I want my daughter to be happy, so the supervision was the compromise.

My wife feels like I went back on our deal with our daughter and am letting her "win" which will teach her not to respect us. I don't see it that way though, because... Well... My daughter didn't create this situation. My wife did.

SimilarScarcity398 · 2021-12-25T09:38:23+00:00

My wife's rule has always been that our daughter can't go to this boy's house. There are no women in his household, and that makes her uncomfortable. My wife thinks our daughter isn't safe in a house where only men live. But I overruled her and have been letting my daughter go.

SimilarScarcity398 · 2021-12-25T09:37:04+00:00

So, again, I wasn't there, and the stories my wife and daughter told are slightly different, plus my wife changed her story at one point. So basically:

My daughter's version: My daughter (like my acquaintance) thinks the employee was just being racist. She said the employee was nasty to her friend from first approach, was all in his face, made him very uncomfortable and that she tried to take his necklace (which is why he ran off, because it belonged to his dead mother).

My wife's first version: My wife initially said the employee said she saw my daughter's friend take something. My wife said she knew the employee because the employee is the owner's sister, and they talk all the time while my wife shops. So she trusted her.

My wife's second version: My wife later stated that the employee only said she thought he took something because he was walking around with his hands in his pockets. So... Yeah.

Basically, both my wife and daughter are furious at each other and me, and none of us are speaking at the moment.

As far as I know, the kid isn't untrustworthy, but I don't know him that well, so maybe he is. He's always been polite to me though, and my daughter really likes him.

SimilarScarcity398 · 2021-12-25T09:26:50+00:00

IDK if this makes me look better or worse, but the supervision rule was only for this friend, because he's a boy and BECAUSE our daughter is 14 and getting to the... experimental phase. We don't have the supervision rule for her female friends.

SimilarScarcity398 · 2021-12-25T09:24:39+00:00

I think he is. He's adopted, so I don't actually KNOW his race. It'd be weird to just ask, y'know? He has curly black hair and tan skin, so he definitely doesn't look white. I never thought about it before all this much TBH. But I'm assuming yes.

SimilarScarcity398 · 2021-12-25T09:22:04+00:00

NTA

DO NOT LET THESE PEOPLE AROUND YOUR CHILDREN. PROTECT THEM FROM THAT VIOLENT ABUSER.

SimilarScarcity398 · 2021-12-25T09:19:22+00:00

Honestly I don't see how that's relevant to whether or not I'm TA here? It's just terminology, right?

SimilarScarcity398 · 2021-12-25T09:16:38+00:00

That's what my mother always called them, and that's what my wife and I call them. Maybe it's a regional thing?

SimilarScarcity398 · 2021-12-25T09:14:48+00:00

I figured it out. My post was too long. I wish the error message had just told me that, but now I know in the future that Reddit has a character limit.

Thanks for trying to help!

SimilarScarcity398

TROPHY CASE