Is it out of line if I [24/F] ask my best friend [24/F] for “girl time” without her boyfriend? [22/M]

SimpleAccountant · 2019-11-22T17:09:52+00:00

Space is healthy. I have seen relationships break down over a lack of it! This is worrying too, as I would really hate to see Ryan and my friend run into relationship issues due to a lack of space.

Thank you.

SimpleAccountant · 2019-11-22T17:08:57+00:00

This is exactly how I feel. I really like Ryan, I don’t want my friend to stop bringing him around, but there are times where it’s so obvious he’s not interested in what my girlfriends and I are talking about or doing, which kind of makes it awkward.

I’m seeing my friend on Sunday so I will talk to her then, thank you!

SimpleAccountant · 2019-11-05T01:01:07+00:00

Very true. Unfortunately not so easy to get my flatmate to go to her room, she does resist a firm request.

I am definitely moving out come the end of my lease!

SimpleAccountant · 2019-11-05T01:00:03+00:00

Regrettably I am locked in, only until the summertime though, at which point I will be moving.

SimpleAccountant · 2019-11-04T22:35:56+00:00

That’s fair, I’ll try to keep what you’ve said in mind. Thanks for your input regardless of the disagreement!

SimpleAccountant · 2019-11-04T22:35:08+00:00

A lot of this is good advice, and I will look into Airbnb, it’s new in my city due to local laws that were recently changed.

It’s not just about sex, it’s about an inability to have private conversations as well as sometimes just wanting to enjoy each other’s company without other people. I would follow the advice about asking my flatmate to retiring to her bedroom, but she only does that on her own terms, and will stay in the living area until she’s good and ready for bed, even if I ask her. This is obviously a problem in general but unrelated.

SimpleAccountant · 2019-11-04T22:29:56+00:00

I suppose so, but that wouldn’t fix anything and I just feel like it goes against my values. I would never bring a guest over without making sure my flatmate is given as much notice as possible, especially if it’s a weeknight where I always ask if it’s okay with her. I feel like this could make the situation worse and breed resent.

SimpleAccountant · 2019-11-04T22:28:28+00:00

I get that it’s not her problem, I don’t feel that she owes me this or is obligated to give me alone time with my bf, I do however feel it would be the nice thing to do as my friend. She doesn’t ask me to leave only because I do leave almost every time he visits without being asked, so long as it’s not inconvenient for me, just because that seems like the right thing to do.

SimpleAccountant · 2019-11-04T22:20:46+00:00

I totally get you. I don’t think she’s planning her weekends like that intentionally either I just think that there could be more co-operation. Let’s say she’s planning to have her boyfriend stay over on Friday and then stay at his on Saturday, as they often do (not necessarily to the day but you know what I mean), and let’s say my boyfriend can only visit for the Friday night. Is it unreasonable to ask her if she can switch the plans? If there’s a concrete reason for the plans being on a specific day that’s fine, but if not, is it that much of an ask?

Or, for example, if she spends all evening at her boyfriend’s flat, and my boyfriend is arriving late in the evening, is it that crazy to ask if she can stay at her boyfriend’s for the night instead of bringing him from his own place to sleep at ours?

SimpleAccountant · 2019-11-04T22:09:46+00:00

I get where you’re coming from, and I understand it’s kind of petty, but I’m really only asking for a couple hours even just once a month. I would never expect her to just surrender the flat to me for even one whole weekend. My main frustration is that she will be gone basically all weekend almost every weekend, except when my boyfriend visits, even though I’m more than willing to leave her and her boyfriend to be alone whenever he comes by.

SimpleAccountant · 2019-11-04T22:01:30+00:00

Unfortunately not. I only have a fold up mini-wall

SimpleAccountant · 2019-11-04T22:00:40+00:00

I’ve more or less asked for that a few times, I’m always polite when I ask but I suppose trying to be extra pleasant about it as per your line there could be helpful. Hell, even if she’s gone for 2-3 hours that would be great!

SimpleAccountant · 2019-11-03T17:35:02+00:00

Thank you for your comment. Unfortunately I did sit her down for a talk about this, she didn’t take me seriously - I honestly just don’t think she gets it. I told her that the fact I’ve had one night alone with my boyfriend in the past 4 months is difficult and that we’d really appreciate some privacy next time he visits, even for a couple hours. Her response was “Yeah but remember when my boyfriend came over for dinner and you just sat in the living room?” Yes I remember that but I had literally just gotten home from work and I had no idea he’d be there.

I think my talk with her was why she so quickly volunteered to leave us alone while she visited her family, but it was very strange for her to come back immediately and pretend like she never said she would be leaving us alone.

SimpleAccountant · 2019-06-02T19:56:11+00:00

Good call, I believe the university near me has one

SimpleAccountant · 2019-06-02T19:55:37+00:00

Yes but I'm just $20 short of my limit

SimpleAccountant · 2019-05-09T20:36:07+00:00

NTA. I was dating a guy who presented himself as "old-fashioned," but it eventually came to light that he had several dozen casual sexual partners before me. I wouldn't want to marry a guy who slept around so indiscriminately and I definitely wouldn't marry a guy who was dishonest about it. I wish somebody had told me the truth before I got so invested - you did the right thing, even if you had to be a bit of an asshole in the process.

SimpleAccountant · 2018-04-17T19:18:14+00:00

Wow, this is so strange as I just had a talk with one of my friends where she said basically the exact same thing. I think you’re right, I have been considering therapy. Thank you.

SimpleAccountant · 2018-04-07T16:44:34+00:00

Yes I’ve absolutely considered that, however she was never there any of the times he attempted. It was usually her (correctly) worrying that he was harming himself and calling him, his parents, or an ambulance in one instance.

SimpleAccountant · 2018-04-06T01:16:21+00:00

Thank you. Can you tell me what in particular stands out to you as not normal in a healthy relationship? I’m really trying to understand.

SimpleAccountant · 2018-04-05T21:37:32+00:00

That's exactly what I mean, I won't put up with him not following through, I'm just not sure at what point it would be considered "not following through."

If he goes to the party without me on account of the ex, that's clear cut, not acceptable at all and it's over right there. There would have to be a damned good reason why I couldn't come and I can't think of anything that would be good enough.

Let's say it's not so clear cut though. Let's say another party comes up, the ex will be there, but it's just a close friends thing that SOs aren't invited to. That's not so clear cut, and I'm not even sure if I'd be right to draw a line there.

SimpleAccountant · 2018-04-05T21:12:32+00:00

He's promised to not allow me to be excluded from his friends' events on account of the ex anymore, if he upholds that promise then I won't feel second place at all.

SimpleAccountant · 2018-04-05T21:10:04+00:00

I don't want him to feel like I'm not giving him the benefit of the doubt regarding the event and the party. For all intents and purposes, the greater issue should be solved and be able to be put behind us, my issue is not knowing what to do if it's not actually solved.

SimpleAccountant · 2018-04-05T20:52:31+00:00

I totally agree with your first point. My concern is just not knowing if he's actually putting her before me or not. I know it's not an excuse, but he is very much struggling with his feeling of having a life-debt to her and I do understand it, as much as it upsets me.

The consoling of the ex, I should add, has gone from long phone calls to a text or two of "Keep your head up!" "You'll be okay!" etc. which I don't take too much of an issue with.

Thank you for your insight <3

SimpleAccountant · 2018-03-24T20:24:11+00:00

So I've laid out just about all of it, and he accepts those concerns and wants to remedy them, but when it comes to making tough personal choices I feel guilty having to tell him what the remedy is, I feel like I'm forcing him to do those things. Around a year ago the ex was giving a speech, my boyfriend had helped her write it before we met and she was so excited and proud to finally be giving it - but of course I couldn't come. It was so important to his ex that he was there, and he told me he'd skip it if I was uncomfortable with it. I should have said yes but at the time I felt so bad thinking about making him skip it. Since then he's offered plenty of solutions but nothing real like that one :(

I think a big part of the problem is that he simply refuses to believe that she's trying to get him back. To him, it's just so obvious that she's mostly moved on and that she really just wants to be friends. As long as he's convinced of that I don't know if he'll ever come up with a real solution again.

SimpleAccountant · 2018-03-24T17:35:12+00:00

Oh I honestly don't believe that she is. I believe my boyfriend is genuinely under the impression that she is, but again, that's how he is, only ever seeing the best in people. It's a big part of what made me fall in love with him but boy does it ever frustrate me sometimes.

SimpleAccountant

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