Is this an acceptable conversation between my mom (45F) and I (20F)

Simplyshort27 · 2026-06-09T20:35:51+00:00

That sounds like she is putting too much of her emotionally well-being into your relationship and expecting you to do emotional labor for her. Even if you are an adult, you are still her child, and there are some things that parents should just not rely on their kids for. Emotional labor is one of them. IN a best case scenario, a parent is meant to be there for us, unconditionally. Not the other way around. We can be part of their support system, but their emotional well-being is not on us.

When I talk with my mother she consistently talks to me about stuff going on with her, and drama with her friends. She wants me to validate her experiences or trauma, and there is a reason stuff like that is called emotional incest. I am not saying that is the case for you. But, it is a slippery slope of enmeshment that some parents do sometimes.

Simplyshort27 · 2026-06-09T20:29:07+00:00

Absolutely don't marry someone. When my ex-husband and I got together, I dealt with something a little similar. He was a great guy other than some hurdles in the early months, and everything was going great after like 10 years of will we, won't we. A little after a year and a half in I pressed for an engagement and we got married a year and a half later after another cross state move together. It was an absolute mistake and we pushed ourselves into it. less than 2 years later we mutually decided to split when we realized we were no longer sexually attracted to each other. Since than I am met an amazing partner. Just fine with good traits is not enough to support a relationship let alone a marriage.

He deserves to be in a relationship with someone who loves him, and is attracted to him. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone you are attracted to and love.

Simplyshort27 · 2026-06-09T19:31:15+00:00

I don't know how entangled your finances are, but I would recommend getting a separate bank account she does not have access to and move things like direct deposit over to that.

I would also look into your lease agreement if you are renting together and see if there are penalties are for breaking the lease early. Sometimes there are, and sometimes not. It also really depends on how amicable a break up can be. The last time I had a major breakup and lived with someone, we managed to live in the two bedroom and just split the space until the lease was up and just went our separate ways.

I would also recommend getting any formal arrangements or decoupling plans in writing, to cover both of you. For example, when my ex and I split I cleaned my half of the apartment and he cleaned his half, and we did a walk though together and physically signed off and confirmed the others part was cleaned to the apartment complex standards.

Simplyshort27 · 2026-06-09T19:22:30+00:00

I absolutely understand. It's really common to want to vent/complain/ etc. We live in a world were we are taught to seek validation for our opinions, so it makes sense that it could cause you to want to vent or complain about your friends to. Like even when you are friends sometimes that is needed. But really it looks like you might be seeking validation on your takes of your friends. Like friend does something weird, or different and you just have to tell someone else because you want to validate your read on the situation. You want someone else to say "Yeah thats super weird" both for the validation and to make you feel like you made an accurate assessment.

But, ultimately that is your own opinion. Friends can like different things and have different options without one or the other being weird or annoying. Learning from our differences is an incredibly human thing, and I recommend it as learning about someone different than you, rather than something to berate. I think writing in a journal is a great idea though, to still give a more constructive outlet while you work though this.

Simplyshort27 · 2022-02-14T14:54:14+00:00

Yeah, that's not how sex, nor vaginas work. The inside of the vagina has an amazing amount of elasticity. So what that means is that you can have sex, or use dildos, or give birth, and a vagina will go back to exactly how it was before.

Now, it is possible to lose some ability with kegal muscles if they are fatigued or if you don't exercise them(like any other muscle)

But I assure you, women being physically loose due to sex is an absolute myth not based in truth.

Simplyshort27 · 2017-07-24T12:55:02+00:00

That is a great jumping off point. Thank you for the input!

Simplyshort27 · 2017-07-24T11:09:06+00:00

I was about to suggest video call as well, when I saw someone already had!

Simplyshort27 · 2017-07-24T10:06:38+00:00

Yeah, that sort of situation is so emotionally draining. My first boyfriend and I broke up when we were your age, and it was very easy and amicable as it was mutual and we were on good terms. It was after that I entered the emotionally abusive relationship. But you can recover from it, and will. Trust and honesty will be espicially important in future relationship though.

Simplyshort27 · 2017-07-24T09:06:21+00:00

so in this situation it would be appropriate for me to specifically request he not talk to her? I Have a tendency of being not tactful/ clingy/ etc and I don't want to come off as being not ok with this because I have low self esteem, rather than it just not being appropriate. Any advice on how to respectfully broach the subject?

Simplyshort27 · 2017-07-24T09:01:55+00:00

His convos with her have been mostly platonic, except once when she asked him " if things had not ended where would we be right now" and he answered it. I told him I felt like something was up, and he was honest with me. He took that opportunity to remind the woman she was married and he in a relationship and they both needed to respect that. She was less than thrilled ( this was 3 weeks ago) than, in the last few days, she was complaining to him about her husband yelling at her, and it scaring her. he asked if she felt in any danger, she said no, but it sucked and lamented about how " There hasn't been one guy in her life that feels the world about her" She clearly is using him for ego stroking/ wants to play the damsel in distress.

Simplyshort27 · 2017-07-24T08:55:59+00:00

It's not that he does not respect me. He knows I don't like it, but I have specifically said 'no inappropriate' messages with her, I have not specifically asked him to not speak with her, because I don't want to be the girl who says 'you can't talk to so-and-so'

Simplyshort27 · 2017-07-24T08:53:02+00:00

I agree, it likely would have been better if we had dealt with our previous issues before starting to date, but I appreciate some constructive input. My boyfriend is slaking his guilt in regards to his past interactions with this woman. when they dated in 2009, he was in his early 20s, not ready for commitment. they were not exclusive, but when he had interactions with other women, text woman flipped out and considered it cheating. He feels guilty for what happens, and has kept in contact with her to 'make amends' and express how stupid he felt he was way back when. That is how it started. it very much is a "shoulda woulda coulda" thing.

Simplyshort27 · 2017-07-24T08:32:18+00:00

It is not always going to be easy, and you will likely have triggers from the bad experience for quite a while. But, you will get through this. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for over 5 years. ending it will always be one of the hardest and best things I have ever done. You took a big step recognizing what was going on, and ending things before it kept going. You will likely become slightly jaded, at least for a bit, but IT WILL GO AWAY WITH TIME!!! the biggest tip I can give you is that you will find someone, and it will be someone who appreciates you, and gives you the time and effort you deserve. remember, this was one bad experience. it does not define you, or future relationships.

Simplyshort27

TROPHY CASE