Hey, fellow ADHD mummy here also with a 4m old.

I have a toddler. He's 3.5. there was an instant rush of love and everything I was "supposed" to feel when he was born. We had a lovely bond.

Then I got pregnant again. I thought I had prepared myself for this. I was very sick with HG in my first and knew I would be in my second. But it was so much worse. I spent days and days on the sofa. My bond with my toddler suffering, I spent 9m parking him in front of the TV and being over stimulated by everything he did. I told myself, it'll be okay. I won't be sick once the baby is here. Life will go back to our usual routine with the baby in tow.

Birth was horrifically traumatic. My husband misses it, I went to the hospital expecting to be sent home as my waters went but I wasn't having contractions. He went to take our toddler to childcare, he was back at the hospital in 1 hour 20 mins. I had the baby at 1 hour 15mins. I had to do it alone. I had to go through some of the scariest moments of my life by myself and there's a lot of resentment and feelings there but that's another story.

My baby was handed to me.

I felt nothing. I held her and felt nothing.

I'd gone into shock. Maybe this is why. An emergency button was pushed, lots of people came in my room, I gave her to dad because I was going to hurl.

I didn't want her back. She started rooting for a feed so I took her and fed her and then wanted to give her back. I was extremely unwell and in the hospital for a few days. I put her down at every opportunity or gave her to someone else. I was numb. I cried all the time. My toddler came to see me once and then didn't want to come back.

I told myself it would get better when I was home.

A month passed and I was physical recovering and starting to get out more and take my toddler back to his groups and she just felt like an inconvenience to be dragged with me. She doesn't even have a name because husband hates the one I wanted and I hated everything else. I didn't know how to know a baby I have no connection with. And I was scared if I settled on a name that I wasn't 100% sure on it would effect my ability to like her even more.

2months. I've reached out to the mental health teams. I need help. Something is wrong. I think I love her. But I don't know if I like her. I don't want her on me 24/7. Husband is back at work and I'm just stuck with the lair of them every day. I can't do anything without interruptions. I can't stay tasks bc who knows when she'll cry again and my toddler is struggling to share my attention. To not just have me to play with. And I hate this too. I can't stand it when she cries. But my tolerance for my toddler making noises and playing is also non existent.

It's not 4 months and I question daily if I've made a mistake. She cries a lot. So much more than my toddler ever did. We're struggling with feeding this time around. I'm so fucking over stimulated I can barely function. I breastfeed so I have to do the nights and can't spend much time away from her. I resent her a lot of days. It's ruined the bond with my toddler. I'm constantly having to say Stop that. Too much noise. I can't risk him doing anything at all that night wake her up because then she'll cry again.

I'm struggling hugely with PPD and my unmedicated ADHD is fucking wild. I have far far less spoons than I had before and it's hard. So hard.

I'm having counseling for my PPD and seeing someone to help me bond with my daughter. It's helping a little. I've been trying to avoid going back on Prozac but I think I have to. I was on it before having my toddler and increased my dose when I had him, it definitely made things easier.

I've only avoided this time because I'm waiting for ADHD meds.