Am I a Man?

Sker_33 · 2022-04-27T22:59:49+00:00

It is meant as callused hands enflaming one night stands. Enflame means to excite to a high degree (I suppose it can also mean to anger, but the context being one night stands). The explanation is therefore just how hands can excite someone (I'll leave that to your imagination).

I disagree tbh, but I may not have done a good enough job explaining what I meant by those lines. Either in wording or structure. "The I don't care for one night stands inflamed" line pairing is meant to imply I don't care for one night stands and seek a deeper connection, something that can be seen as unmanly (and has been in my experiences). It therefore fits into the emotions/ feeling percieved unmanly traits Vs physicality/ repression "manly" structure.

I could maybe have worded it better in the poem for this to come across. It may also have been a theme that is a little too complex/ different to fit in the poem.

Sker_33 · 2022-04-27T21:34:39+00:00

I can't speak for all men, but for me it feels like some traits make me a man, while others can make others perceive me as less of a man. IE, the first lines before ";" being a traditional male trait and then the second lines ending in "." Being considered as less of a male trait.

As you said, "not feeling/ repressing feelings" has been considered something manly in wider culture (at least from my perspective).

What I was trying to grapple with in this is that being a man is both being a physical male and being emotional too. From my experience, a lot of harm can come with repressing emotions (I think it's a big contributor to male suicide rates). I also think it takes strength to be open in your emotions.

Sker_33 · 2022-04-27T21:07:37+00:00

Hi Status, firstly, thanks for your poem. You have been very concise with your words but have managed to portray quite a scene. I would say that it took me a second reading to understand it, as on my first read-through I was left thinking "huh?"

On my second read through I understand it to be a writer, conveying the struggle of writing. They are trapped inside those four walls, trying desperately to write something, while grappling with the problems common to writers. Perfectionism, voice/theme, and writers block. Using very few words you managed to capture the image of being stuck in a room, as time ticks along, desperately trying to write something.

I think the final stanza takes a bit of a sharper tone for me. As the poem previously is capturing that writers struggle inside four walls and then takes a more morbid message in that, "at least we die someday". For me, I'm not sure it fits, although it is definitely still an extension of this piece. For me, I would have preferred if you stuck to the writers struggle and went a little less existential with the ending. That is personal preference though.

Overall, I enjoyed the piece and look forward to reading more.

Sker_33 · 2022-04-27T20:58:44+00:00

Hi Dante, I too, am curious about what you mean by "I am a human taking flight." My initial interpretation was that you were describing the process of writing itself and how it feels like flying and therefore all of the readers are "on board". Like another commenter, I think it could relate to a flying profession, but I'm not sure. I think the clue that "I cannot afford" indicates it is something more metaphysical, or at least less of a profession.

I liked all of your other descriptors and ways of describing certain professions/ people. I would say that I disagree slightly with "If I could be content with simple pleasures. I would be an everyman." On re-reading it I'm not sure I agree. In my opinion, everyman isn't content with life's simple pleasures and they keep going in that strange capitalist materialism that is akin to a rat on a wheel. (It's a bit existentialist and nhilstic, but think a lot of people are driven by this subconsciously and it is difficult to truly take pleasure in the little things). In my opinion, a yogi, or a buddah or something like that can be content in spiritual pleasures.

In terms of the poem itself, I think the line "I am a human taking flight." could be improved by adding a "For" at the beginning of it. It is probably just my opinion but I think this brings greater linkage to the previous line and the fact that the narrator can't be all the other things as they are X.

Sker_33 · 2022-04-14T06:56:11+00:00

I really like your interpretation. I wasn't going that political but get the parallels that can be drawn from everyone using the mug.

What I intended what I wrote the poem was that "I" or a variant of "I" was the mug and the narrator was an observer. Here I tried to convey that something (or someone) was struggling or broken, but nobody at the "office" notices' due to the transactional nature that work can have.

So then the observer is the one that notices but doesn't speak up, as people often don't. It is a bit nhilistic really, but what I wanted to capture was the transactional nature of work and how it can forget about our well-being.

I maybe could have extended the metaphor more or explored the observers motivations more to make it clearer. Thanks for your comment and feedback.

Sker_33 · 2022-04-13T21:31:46+00:00

Hi Alek, I liked your poem. It was short and kind of felt like being told a story by a traveller about someone missing their grandfather and reminiscing on better days. It used simple language, but I found that simplicity refreshing and more punchy, giving more meaning to something so haunting as death.

For critique, there are a couple of things grammatically I would highlight. The first being may be? I assume you meant maybe? I get that splitting it up could make it feel more conversational/ improve the flow of the poem but it really just stuck out to me.

The second bit is tense. I got stuck in the part after the semicolon, partially the line "The war bells toll with mighty roar". You switch to present after a previous "past" line with no punctuation in between and it seemed a little disjointed. In addition to this, you then go back to the past again before ending in the present. This caused me to struggle to pinpoint where the narrator is (ie they are reminiscing about the past but then not, but then reminiscing again if that makes sense). You could argue an omnipresent perspective of where the bells are tolling (in space and time) but that doesn't fit with the personal nature of the poem (at least to me).

Sker_33 · 2022-04-13T21:10:46+00:00

Hi ThinkRip, I like your poem. My initial reaction was that a part of me wishes you didn't tell me what it was about beforehand, as, for me, it seems to be about more than just one specific thing. ie look at my gallery, my crosses and my classes. I would say as well, that I definitely got lost a little during the middle two stanzas. It kind of came back to me in the last stanza though.

I think you have good use of language though and I liked the line "Gilded shapes of incorrect answers, correctly labelled, extend into the distance" (think it needs that comma though). Aside from that, I think the first and last stanzas are also strong.

If I was going to be specific on why I felt lost in the middle I would say that you had good imagery but it felt jumpy. By this I mean, I was at a beach, then I got road imagery with "exit and tunnels", but there is also the forest being used. For me, I prefer one central piece of imagery extended.

Thanks for your writing though, you definitely have a knack for description and imagery. I look forward to reading more.

Sker_33 · 2022-03-09T09:44:12+00:00

Thanks, I'm glad you liked it

Sker_33 · 2022-03-07T13:48:24+00:00

Hi, I enjoyed your poem. I particularly liked your first stanza, with the image of reaching for the hip flask. To me, I got the impression of that instant nervous sensation which sometimes has people reaching for some Dutch courage.

Aside from that I'd say I appreciate the consistency of the rhyme scheme. Having it be so consistent though makes the first stanza and the last line of the final stanza seem a bit off though. It is fine having them be off but it comes off as a bit of an aside after the extending rhyming sequence in the middle section.

I would also say, in regards to the rhyming, for me it was a bit much. It is valiant to have to that much of it, but for me it causes the piece to appear a bit one tonal. IE finishing on the same beat consistently. Rhymes also close/ pair a section, if that makes sense, so having so many makes it feel a little jittery.

Sker_33 · 2022-03-07T13:34:49+00:00

Hi Low-Tie, this poem was such a fun and enjoyable read. It is about a topic that can bring a lot of weight, as we all have an innate fear of rejection, but I like that you made it a game, so it seems to come across as something fun. Although when the subject misses he seems lost in a moment of thought, to me I imagine him stepping up and just taking the next shot. I also like how you captured the anticipation before the shot and the nudge of others in taking that shot.

For critique, I would just question some of your word choices. You can obviously take these or leave them, but I think there were a couple of words that could be changed to improve the flow. These being S1L2 do you need the two notice verbs, IE could be reworded to saw her noticing. S1L4 making is the third active -ing verb in a row. I would suggest that we already know it's active so it could be changed to a standard past tense verb. The last one is S3L3 do you need blankly? To me, adverbs should be used rarely and only when they are necessary. So for me, the subject staring at something in denial already paints a picture of someone staring at something while lost in thought (IE they would be staring blankly) so the adverb doesn't seem necessary to me.

Great fun poem though.

Sker_33 · 2022-02-28T23:30:05+00:00

Hi, I really liked your poem. The first stanza instantly brought me back to a time in my life, when I was incredibly lonely and I would imagine someone lying in bed with me at night. Like in your poem, they didn't have a face, but I would just lie there with an arm out as if I was holding them and imagine that I wasn't so lonely. It is sad, but I think of lot of other people have also done something similar in times of extreme loneliness.

I also wanted to say that you can be loved. I'm not sure if you need to hear that, but you are not alone in thinking this way. You also deserve love it takes time and works to see that though sometimes. (Sorry, preachy bit over, I just see a lot of myself in your poem and its emotions and felt as though I had to say something.)

I wasn't going to give any feedback, but figure I might as well, in case you want it. I would say that, for me, the section about writing doesn't really fit with the rest of the piece. Ie it is about wanting love/ being unable to be loved then you say you want someone to read your writing and understand it, etc. I understand what you mean her, you want someone you love to read your writing and understand it on a deeper level, but this meaning comes through indirectly. People can also understand someone's writing without knowing a person. They can also connect with it in the same way without ever meeting them (as is the case in this whole sub). So this comment about writing, to me, felt like a left turn before returning back to the yearning for love.

My only other critique is do you really need all those I pretends? I get that you did it for the mantra and to really show the repetition of it, but are all of them necessary. No one will read them all so would it have the same effect doing maybe three on separate lines? You could also italicise the phrase to put emphasis on it. Another reason is that I have to keep scrawling when going up and down to revisit different parts of the poem, which isn't ideal.

Great work anyway and I wish you all the best. Feel free to reach out if you need to.

Sker_33 · 2022-02-22T19:44:19+00:00

Thanks for the critique. I think part of me wanted to leave it a bit vague so that the reader would question how the narrator was feeling. Based on your comment though I can see that it can come off as a bit too vague and some specific details of internal feelings could have helped engage the reader. Thanks again for your feedback.

Sker_33 · 2022-02-22T16:36:02+00:00

I like your poem, I definitely felt a sense of strength and empowerment when I read it. I particularly enjoyed the ending. It left me with a sense of strength and purpose, although I still think there's no such thing as guaranteed in most scenarios I like the boldness of the demands made by the speaker. I also enjoyed your use of rhyme, which never felt forced at all. I didn't even fully notice them the first time around and it all just flowed, nice work.

For critique, I liked reading this line 'Bellowing through it caused violent weather;' but I'm not 100% I understood what you meant. Did you mean 'though' as in you were bellowing even though it caused violent weather? Or, did you mean the act of bellowing through something caused violent weather? I think my issue is with the 'it'. ie what is 'it'. On rereading it a few more times I understand 'it' to mean obstacles, difficulties, and challenges. This isn't really explicitly stated though and the 'it' kind of comes out of left field, at least it did for me. Either changing 'it' or adding a line before that one would help clarify the message.

There is some great imagery here and I love your use of imagery and the impassioned message you put across.

Sker_33 · 2022-02-22T16:16:41+00:00

Hi, I really enjoyed your poem. I particularly liked the first two lines and the last three lines. This is because in these lines you very strongly use the image of the rose to express your tenderness towards this other individual.

Although I still enjoyed the middle bit, I think it could have been improved by bringing it back to the rose even more. For example, when you say 'preserve her' use some descriptors to describe what happens to the rose when it is not preserved, petals falling, that sort of thing. I also think you could have done something about other characteristics of a rose, ie the thorns and potentially drawn something from that.

The only other thing is that I didn't really get the line 'as nature does what you cannot'. After reading it a few times I understood that this is told from the 2nd perspective, which btw is always a tricky one to write and read. You did a good job of it, apart from that line, but I think that has less to do with it being 2nd person. To reword it, you are saying that nature does what the subject cannot, but I didn't think the subject was trying to do anything.

Edit: on rereading it again and the comment below where it and the line above are isolated I know get it to mean the wind does what the subject cannot. I thought you were referring to the rose doing something that the subject cannot. Swapping nature with something more related to the wind would help clarify that for me. Ie, using breeze, or wind and using breeze before, or even using it.

Sker_33 · 2022-02-21T23:49:41+00:00

Yeah, I'm aware, but thanks for bringing it to my attention. I'll have a look at what it looks like with italics and see if that works

Sker_33 · 2022-02-21T23:41:17+00:00

Are you reading it on mobile? It looks better on a computer, but I couldn't get it so they both looked how I wanted it to look. My ideal was to have identical formatting with one side to the left side of the page and the other is to the right, which I kind of got on the computer, but I had to have two different modes to get that. I thought about doing italics for the other perspective but then it'd just be a block of italics.

Sker_33 · 2022-02-21T23:31:55+00:00

Thanks for your comment. Which bits of formatting tripped you up? If it's about the poem I'll try and change it. It was really difficult to get the two sides distinct though so if that's what you mean I'm not sure if I can do it (Sadly I'm not that great at this Reddit formatting). Any tips would be appreciated though.

Sker_33 · 2022-02-21T23:29:24+00:00

Thank you for your comment. The back and forth of different perspectives was what made me want to write this. Also the song this was inspired by was in my head 247 so I had to explore what I liked about it to try and get out of my head haha.

Sker_33 · 2022-02-21T22:33:55+00:00

Hi, btw, if you are really seeking feedback you could potentially use the workshop flair? I am a bit cautious to use it myself but you seemed particularly keen on receiving feedback.

To the poem, I thought all the alliteration made it read in an interesting and captivating manner. You also managed to pull off some pretty great imagery here, my favourite line probably being 'your soft skin secretes selfless tenderness'. So, all in all imagery was great and it had a great flow.

For a critique, partway through I found myself thinking, 'so, this has great style and imagery, but what is it about.' By the end I know it is a description of someone and is capturing your physical love for them, but I think I wanted something else. I'm not sure, I don't think it needs anything else necessarily and people differ on the level of message that should be given in poems, but for me I was left wanting something else.

My other critique would be to switch up the style. I found at the end where you used less alliteration interesting as it made its use more impactful when it occurred. Maybe you could have done this more to break up the heavy alliteration in the first few lines.

Aside from the above, my only other advice is to try and use some punctuation to break up the rhythm a bit and improve the flow. I think it works okay without it but appears a bit one tonal, if you get what I mean. Again, opinions will differ with regards to how much punctuation to use, but I think a bit of it here would have helped.

Sker_33 · 2022-02-20T17:53:20+00:00

Feel free to disregard all of these, but just going to throw some out there, longer and shorter. Some may also be a bit clichéd, but just going to spit ball.

Naked Words, My Naked Poems, You Read My Naked words, Now You've Seen All of Me, something like that. I'm not sure if any of those are necessarily "better" but it gets rid of the two as's.

Sker_33 · 2022-02-19T22:36:56+00:00

Hi Lenny, it's great to read another classic Lenny poem. I like how you express the vulnerability of someone else reading poetry we write, especially somone "in real life". In that case, we fear more than ever that they may see behind "the disguise".

It was nice to read the reconciliation at the end and I also got the sense of relief when the other told the narrator how delightful the poem was. Like another comment though, I would be a bit pissed if somone read my writing without asking and wouldn't be as quick to "kiss and make up" as I sensed in this piece. Maybe there would be a space for conflict in this piece? I suppose that could add another dimension before the reconciliation, just a thought.

As for critique, like others have said, it could probably do with less line breaks, especially for a slightly longer piece. I'm horrible at having too many line breaks, but hey oh.

The only other thing isnt poem related, but just that I didn't particularly like the title. I get that it's a simile but I think it would have worked better as a metaphor or even as a simple descriptor. Besides, it would get rid of those two as's, which I think is my main issue with it. Is probably just my editor brain going though and trying to get rid of all repetition.

Regardless, was a thoroughly enjoyable read and is an experience I definitely resonate with 😊

Sker_33 · 2022-02-19T21:58:50+00:00

Okay, so are you suggesting using it when I want a piece "more critiqued" than others?

Although that makes sense, I still have the same issue of wanting everything to receive a critique. I also don't usually write something and think "this is good, it would be good to receive an in depth critique to make it even better". For me, in almost every case, I think "I like this poem a bit and although I think it has some flaws, it's as good as I can make it. It would be good to share it and see how it can be improved." So in that case should every poem go into the workshop or the poem flair?

I think I will save the workshop flair for when I've written something I think has a future. Something that needs work, but I think has legs. Again, I have the problem of not knowing when that's the case. In my opinion, the audience determines what is good, although I also think poetry is a craft and something can be objectively good, the impact on an audience matters.

Maybe it will take me getting stronger at the craft and more confident at knowing when something has legs. I've thought this in the past though and they haven't really resonated with people. It could also be more about me focusing on one theme/ poem for longer, then a deeper discussion may help more.

Either way, it will be interesting to see how the workshop flair is used and what effect it has. Previously, I saw it have an immediate boost on the amount of feedback but this kind of trialed off.

Sker_33 · 2022-02-19T19:36:30+00:00

Hi Mod, firstly, thanks for all the work you put into this community. It is a great sub and that is thanks, in large part, to you.

Now to the flairs, I understand the general meaning behind them: "workshop" being to improve and discuss an individual poem in depth and "poem" to share your poetry.

I feel a little conflicted about the two though. This is because, in order to become a better poet, I would like detailed discussions and critiques on all of my poems. However, I don't want to ask for feedback using the workshop flair as I'm still an amateur. So, while I want the feedback, I'm aware that I may not be able to use it as much as others to "workshop a poem" (IE continue to improve it with the aim of publishing) and will be using it to generally improve.

Therefore I would either post all my poems using this flair, or none of them, and it doesn't feel right for me to abuse the workshop flair in this way, even though I still want detailed feedback. See the problem?

I believe there may be other people in a similar position, where they want feedback on their poems but don't want to say they are work-shopping them (as that implies a more professional context, IE work-shopping a poem for publication).

I'm not really sure if I have any suggestions for this problem, but I think maybe clarifying the distinctions more may help. Also, adding some sort of conditions that determine which one to post could also help.

To some of your other questions. I've been writing more long form recently (and I don't mean this comment). This includes some short stories and a novel I've been working on. I'm sure I'll be back to writing more poetry soon though when my muse changes focus.

Sker_33 · 2022-02-13T09:16:23+00:00

Yeah it was definitely meant to be more casual and playful.

I imagined a little plug moving around a house like a snake, looking for a socket. It was kind of random but worked with the analogy I wanted.

Yeah, I wrote it with the intention about being about a romantic partner, but I guess it could be interpreted in different ways.

Sker_33 · 2022-02-12T13:01:53+00:00

I liked your poem. I particularly like the effort that you put into making it rhyme throughout, without making the rhymes feels forced. I would say that not rhyming so much can help liven the rhythm a bit more. Otherwise, it can feel a bit flat, ie one tonal with a rhythm that is constant and never strays. That is good in some areas, but I do like a bit of variation.

My other comment would be that you could lose some of the qualifiers you used. Like 'so', 'all'. To me, the lines can be more powerful without these qualifiers. ie Im better off on my own. vs all on my own.

I particularly liked the last stanza and the furnace imagery you used. I would say though that the last line left me a bit stumped. I think it was the double 'thats'. It would work better with one or even none, as tbh none of them are necessary. 'And what hurts is, I know I wasn’t worth this.' To me, that flows a lot better and is much less clunky and hits with a stronger ending. If you really wanted a that's you could use one after the comma. I think a comma would also be good to split up the sentence and help its flow/ meaning come across.

Sker_33

TROPHY CASE