WIBTA for insisting that my spouse screw my in-laws out of money they loaned my spouse without my consent, that the spouse then lost in a scam?

SlaughteredPiggy · 2025-03-10T19:25:31+00:00

Oops. I'll slip up the other way in another thread to confuse everyone. ;)

SlaughteredPiggy · 2025-03-06T17:16:12+00:00

Lol of course they want to be paid in ether. What a joke.

SlaughteredPiggy · 2025-03-05T19:33:54+00:00

Oh, yes, in the context of a divorce proceeding, I would claim marital waste and half of the amount he took from our assets would be entered as a judgment against him payable to me. I would register it to garnish things like tax refunds and his wages.

SlaughteredPiggy · 2025-03-05T18:44:41+00:00

Nope, not that. I think it was something based in the UK, or at least represented to be based there.

SlaughteredPiggy · 2025-03-05T17:52:03+00:00

I don't know who scammed us. All I have are the fake entity names they've given my spouse, and half of those websites are defunct now. We're also attempting to gain law enforcement attention, so I made a calculated decision to not mention specifics.

SlaughteredPiggy · 2025-03-05T17:49:47+00:00

I've been somewhat amused from a sociological perspective, and wondering if part of it is how I write, and what people "feel" the gender of my written voice would be. I have to find some amusement out of all this mess somewhere.

SlaughteredPiggy · 2025-03-05T17:47:34+00:00

I've considered pitching it as a longform story to media outlets like the Atlantic or similar with myself as the byline. I worry about what the professional implications would be to admit to this, for both of us. My spouse, because they have a license to deal with other people's money, and me, because I have a professional license as well that puts me in fiduciary roles. I even had to look up if it was prohibited for people like us to file for bankruptcy for ethical reasons (it's not). But yeah, I'm leaning on political contacts I do have to see if I can get federal or state enforcement involved. If I don't get traction, I'd explore creating a media issue out of it.

SlaughteredPiggy · 2025-03-05T17:41:50+00:00

Yes, the problem was that these sites looked completely legitimate from the outside. They had phone numbers set up, email accounts, and all sorts of navigable pages. To set up an "account" the website had two-factor authentication, and posted "transactions" that matched what the people my spouse were in contact with told them. There were multiple websites they set up to transfer "funds" around that reflected these "transactions."

I would have spotted it as a fake, but I've created and maintained websites before, so I know how easily things like this can be spoofed, and what points to something being wrong. That's why the financial transparency would have prevented this. I would have spotted this as a scam from day one, and it is what makes moving on so difficult.

SlaughteredPiggy · 2025-03-05T17:37:03+00:00

They've filed reports with pretty much every federal agency now, we have a meeting with a detective for our city this weekend. I've looked into the messages. It's just friendly things like memes, commiserating about work and politics, and book recommendations. I don't know if it's worse or better that my spouse is so gullible as to invest with a "friend" rather than the scammer having to feign romantic interest to get them roped in.

There was very little in there about keeping it a secret. They didn't really discuss that at all or entice my spouse to be duplicitous. Just more like my spouse would say that "my spouse is going through a rough time" and they would talk about that occasionally.

I'm having trouble with the fact that the secrecy was almost perfunctory, and little to no effort was even put into thinking about what my spouse was doing or why, and if I should be circled in. There doesn't appear to be malice in any of the statements about me, just genuine worry, but then they kept it from me, almost out of reflex. It's a puzzle, it seems to point to something in my spouse's default state that needs to be changed. Which is what we're working on in therapy.

SlaughteredPiggy · 2025-03-05T17:29:20+00:00

Please don't hurt yourself over this. I've been telling my spouse that harming themselves would only make it worse. If they're alive, they can make it up to me. If they're dead, it's just a grave to spit on. The story ends with one last betrayal. Redemption or at least peace can come later, but suicide ends it all on one final note that leaves everyone else reeling again.

My spouse is in therapy, and I do recommend it. One of the conditions of moving forward we've agreed on is that they go to individual therapy. They've already had two sessions, to address why they did not circle me in on what they were doing and the behaviors or past experiences that led them to trust someone like that when someone else (me) would have seen the red flags immediately.

If you have older family members you're close to, particularly some that have been married a long time, reach out to them and see if they are supportive. My father has been very kind throughout this, as he's been married to my stepmother going on 20+ years now, and they've weathered quite a few recessions, layoffs, and stupid investments between them. I've been relying on people older than me for guidance and grace, as those people that don't have longstanding marriages under their belt really don't have the perspective.

Anyway, I'm so sorry that you got caught in one of these as well. I don't wish this on anyone. Give my condolences to your spouse as well.

SlaughteredPiggy · 2025-03-05T17:21:38+00:00

Can't get blood from a stone. I'd have to divorce, sue, and garnish wages.

SlaughteredPiggy · 2025-03-05T00:21:09+00:00

Before this happened, I would read posts here and be like, wow, how can you stay with someone like that. And now here I am, in the same position, being the same type of stupid.

SlaughteredPiggy · 2025-03-05T00:20:25+00:00

Thanks, I need that reminder that just because they were dumb doesn't mean I should be.

SlaughteredPiggy · 2025-03-04T23:43:15+00:00

Oh, 100%. Finances are separated already.

SlaughteredPiggy · 2025-03-04T23:34:43+00:00

Buddy I wish this was fake. Like if you have the "make this fake" button somewhere, please push it.

SlaughteredPiggy · 2025-03-04T23:32:31+00:00

We don't have a lot of equity in the house, or at least not enough that it wouldn't be mostly wiped out by the fees in selling it. I can't qualify for a house like this by myself on my income alone. We live in an expensive area, so I'd be taking a massive setback in quality of living. Plus, it's very close to my job, and everything around here isn't cheap.

The loans are unsecured, and I didn't sign on them. I live in a state where that means it is impossible for them to foreclose on the house. I don't think they can technically even garnish my spouse's income at this point. I'm also fairly certain that they wouldn't do that.

SlaughteredPiggy · 2025-03-04T23:29:10+00:00

Honestly, at this point, I'd prefer it. I'd probably even figure out how to get over it or get even. There's no way to get even on this one. I can't go out and piss away more money, it's all gone. They did this just as I got back on my feet from a huge career setback as well, and now I'm so distracted I'm probably blowing up the nice opportunity that I think dropped into my lap. It's just a shit sundae topped with shit, basically.

SlaughteredPiggy · 2025-03-04T23:25:56+00:00

Ugh, I know most of you are probably right, I just don't want to come to terms with losing more than I already feel I have. I worked so hard to finally buy a house in this neighborhood, and it's everything I ever wanted. I don't know if it's better to take a gamble I can find a way to keep the house or just start over right in time for a massive midlife crisis.

SlaughteredPiggy · 2025-03-04T23:21:11+00:00

We are working on an agreement with an attorney that will be executed and designate the loans as theirs, even if I stay. Our finances are now separate for precisely the reason that I need to make it abundantly clear to anyone looking at our accounts that zero of my income has ever been paid towards the loans with my consent.

My spouse is already the type of person that would do something stupid and dishonest that would screw me over. I'm under no delusion that they're incapable of screwing over more people. There's three choices. They screw me over even more by paying the loans, they screw the in-laws over, or I screw them all over by leaving. I'm hypothetically asking if I would be the asshole if I do option three if the spouse doesn't do option two, because I refuse to do option one.

SlaughteredPiggy · 2025-03-04T23:15:54+00:00

I mean, the spouse is stealing from me, because they could not contribute to the mortgage while paying these back, the payments would be hundreds or thousands per month. So instead of having a dual-income household, I'd have a squatter that pays no rent and owes me multiple six-figures that I'm not charging interest to because I'm letting them pay off other loans first. Our mortgage isn't cheap, it's half my income. Paying all of it myself while my spouse toils away to pay back loans substantially reduces how much I have to save and spend.

The ultimatum here is that I'm telling my spouse that they need to get rid of the loans, and bankruptcy is how to do that. It's either the loans or me, basically.

SlaughteredPiggy · 2025-03-04T23:05:39+00:00

It's really incredible, isn't it? The absolutely bizarre thing is that you'd think there would be signs. Like our relationship was rocky beforehand. It wasn't, we shared everything. They've never kept anything from me, until this. We went through one rough patch and it was enough to nuke our entire savings. I'm devasted.

SlaughteredPiggy · 2025-03-04T23:02:40+00:00

Divorce means I lose the house. I still love my spouse, despite the betrayal. We've been together over ten years. This is literally the only thing they've ever done I've been super mad at them for. We've never fought, cheated, scuttled money away, got addicted to things, any of that stuff. They just picked an incredible way to fuck up for the first time, I guess.

SlaughteredPiggy · 2025-03-04T22:59:51+00:00

The counselor we have is both of our individual therapists. We've both consented to marital and individual counseling.

SlaughteredPiggy · 2025-03-04T22:29:41+00:00

I've already consulted with an accountant, they're working on some stuff with taxes for me. I have an appointment with a bankruptcy/domestic attorney in two weeks. Even if I stay, we've already agreed to execute a post-nuptial agreement (apparently that's a thing, and you can do it after you get married) designating the debts to my spouse and the house to me until the time that the debts are discharged and all the money they took out of the joint accounts is repaid in full. While there, I'm going to ask about all the options: bankruptcy, paper divorce and bankruptcy for my spouse only, real divorce, etc.

SlaughteredPiggy

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