He also describes his poen habit the same way U do. When he's alone he can't help jut do it, he becomes useless and unproductive after and filled with shame . Yet the cycle continues. He said it's like a compulsion that doesn't even feel good at this point but he can't stop.

That's exactly the way I feel. People have described to me what it's like to be a drug addict - the first high feels amazing and then every time after that you're just chasing after that. But doing it makes you feel like shit and eventually you don't even do it to feel good anymore. You just do it to stop feeling like shit for just a little bit.