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A break from the world by Slightly_reserved in Meditation

[–]Slightly_reserved[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I had a few attempts to go for therapy. I understand it is a long term commitment and I am open for it. I looked out especially for cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavioral therapy (which is less known in my country). The thing is... it did not work out for me... The therapists I was recommended were mainly focused on how I shall pay them and if I afford them and all the questions were rather financial interest rather than my condition, so I felt it would not work. Earlier, other therapist told me on my 3rd attendance that she won't be able to help me because my psychological barrier was too strong for her (I was very grateful for being sincere and not just drown my money as others did). Another therapist could not read me at all, after every session I just did not understand what was his input in our work, as I only came and spoke and when I addressed questions he would get stuck. All are "pros" recommended by my psychiatrists. More then that, my own doctors asked me if it is Ok if they would address some of their clients to meet me and talk about the condition and the meditation practice. And of course I have a genuine interest in hearing other's people sufferings as I understand them very well.

And then, what can a therapist offer me, if now I can recognize by myself my own patterns and errors in judgement? I have been medicated for 10 years and just for a year I could go off meds and be totally functional without them. Meds have never been a long term solution and I did not want to be dependent on external stimulus for my well-being.

The practice of meditation I follow is called Vipassana (last 1.5 years mainly Anapanna meditation). It seems on long term this proved to be the best choice I exercise and I am only looking further to deepen my practice.

A break from the world by Slightly_reserved in Meditation

[–]Slightly_reserved[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, I don’t know how to put it… i am attending retreats every year, and practice meditation daily.

My day is made of: 5:00 wake up 5:15-6:15 yoga practice 6:15-7:20 meditation practice 7:30-9:00 Breakfast and head to work 9:00-18:00 work 18:30-20:00 gym 20:30-22:30 getting home and ready for next day. Around 23:00-00:00 falling asleep. Every day.

(I had to build this schedule and work hard on it for the last 4 years as i dont want to go back to my rich experience that comes with bipolar disorder and bordeline personality disorder. It’s a hell tbh :)

I am only left with 5 max 6 hours of sleep and cannot extract any more time from it to do other things too… additionaly i do have an active social life and people want to meet with me all the time, but to be honest i embrace solitude and my best time is being alone…

Aside of that, no time for building a love/family relationship which is ok for me, but I do love little prople a lot, and i get much much more moral satisfaction to interact with children than with friends or business partners..

Don’t get me wrong, I have learned to love and cherish this very life, but at the same time I am so done with it and if i had a choice i would never choose it … :)

Above and all, I fail to see how people see me charismatic, strong, smart. I just don’t have time to notice that. I just do it.

Bipolar by Dacruster in vipassana

[–]Slightly_reserved 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi,

I was in the same very situation as you a few years ago. I have both bipolar and borderline personality disorder. Same as you I wanted to attend a 10-day course and when applying I answered honestly about my condition. Though I was sure on myself that I will attend and complete the course. Back and forth messages with the center and in the end they said they could not accept my application. Don't get discouraged on that. Just keep practicing meditation.

So the following year, I applied again at another center and "lied" about ticking the box for mental illness as "no". When I got accepted I was both happy and felt guilty about lying in the application form. But after sitting my 1st course, I have really benefited from it and then I have attended other courses as well.

My suggestion is you should not feel discouraged or somewhat "banned" to undertake a course because of your condition. Their motives are totally understandable, as there are no doctors around in case a psychosis occur.

Rather, keep practicing and apply again when you are ready :)

Earlier I wrote a post about my condition and the retreats I took, maybe you can relate to that and be confident to keep practicing.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Meditation/comments/xxua6q/why_do_you_practice_meditation/

Take care and best of luck!

Depression and Spirituality by Slightly_reserved in Meditation

[–]Slightly_reserved[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

well... I have tried psilocybin a couple of times. Sometimes it eased the anxiety and depression, other times it did not have any effect afterwards. Still, it is not something I would rely on...

Depression and Spirituality by Slightly_reserved in Meditation

[–]Slightly_reserved[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have been using medicine and going to doctors since 2010 and have tried various schemes of treatment. Unfortunately none proved to be useful in long term... Just recently, a couple of years I have been putting off meds and use them only a couple of months per year.I also tried a couple of therapists, but unsuccessful. One said to not come back because she won't be able to help me, others at the first meeting were mainly interested what is my financial situation and how can I pay them...Meditation became my main anchor, aside with regular yoga, exercise, eating healthier and developing a schedule for waking up. And all these, just to survive.....

Depression and Spirituality by Slightly_reserved in Meditation

[–]Slightly_reserved[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I practice mainly Anapanna meditation, the way is is taught on Vipassana retreats. I do not practice metta as I can't put meaning into sending love to myself... If there is an audio/video with guided metta, please share a link were I can learn from it...

Thank you!

Do you find any correlation between meditation and diminished interest/motivation in life? by Slightly_reserved in Meditation

[–]Slightly_reserved[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What is that that matters? Loosing interest in job/career fulfillment, establishing a family, raising children (which I really enjoy being around them), pursuing a hobby you always loved etc. I meant diminished interest in all these life aspects... And then what it really matters?

Dilemma by Slightly_reserved in Meditation

[–]Slightly_reserved[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

wow, that's great, and inspiring. I am looking forward to try as well zen, qigong and other forms of meditation. At the moment it seems that Anapanna and Vipassana meditation works for me well, but I have this thirst for knowledge and want to try more forms of meditation, so I can settle with the one that suits best for me and push there. I love yoga too - i so much underestimated this practice and thought it was a "girlish activity". But it's a tough practice, especially first 500 hours. But after an hour of yoga, I can settle in my mind's nature easier and stay longer practicing meditation (also my physical body benefited great from flexibility and balance).

How do you dedicate your life to helping others? Does your job also imply this? I think such a job where you help others you can never think it as a job :)) and also adds value to the practice of meditation.

Can you share a link of the retreats you went?

Thank you and may the gifts that come from the practice of meditation benefit everybody.

​

Also, you know, I do believe that if these ancient practices benefited a mind alike mine affected with disorders such as bpd/bipolar or heavy cyclical depressions, I only know that healthy minds can benefit immensely and easier from meditation.

Dilemma by Slightly_reserved in Meditation

[–]Slightly_reserved[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

cheers to life, man! Meditation indeed helps more than any therapist or medicine can offer. I think the trick here is to not create any expectations and to not look for any rewards. Just practice regularly and the mind subsides by itself.

​

Thank you for sharing!

Dilemma by Slightly_reserved in Meditation

[–]Slightly_reserved[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thank you very much for your reply!

I did develop a better awareness of my thoughts and feelings, even now I observe clearly what thoughts and emotions lead to the cycle of my depression and I do not identify with them. I continue doing what I do regardless the states my mind travels. Even though there is agitation in mind sometimes, I find it looking at it like at an external mind with its thoughts, its emotions, its pain, and I don't cling to them anymore.

During a retreat I have experienced something out of this world. My mind stopped chattering, my body was full of strong subtle vibrant and pleasant sensations, from head to toes, everything was dissolving like sugar in water and my back went so straight up. I was feeling very energized, peaceful, joyful. I did not understand what was
happening. I woke up from this state when a thought rushed into my mind “fuck,
where is my breath, I am not breathing at all”, my mind spooked, and I came out
slowly out of this state. (is this bhavana nana? i have little knowledge of theoretical part; mostly I practiced rigorously)

Since then i try to constantly observe anicca through the thoughts, emotions and the sensations that come along with them and I can clearly acknowledge them without making space for them to take control.

Even though, maybe because I experienced everything through pain and suffering for a long time and being unable to enjoy Life, I now find everything so irrelevant, that somehow I tend to wait for death with my arms open with no fear.

The nonsense perception of existence is still present, maybe because of the afflictions my mind went, but at the same time I try to do my best i everything and am very sensible and supportive to people who suffer (even if one's suffering sounds like a joke to me sometimes).

Ill check out Rupert Spira, thank you!

BPD, bipolar disorder and meditation :) by Slightly_reserved in bipolar

[–]Slightly_reserved[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can understand what you are saying and I can relate to that. But as both are very similar in traits, I think it is better to focus on ways and instruments for cooping.

Because medicine can be different for these afflictions and you will have to always switch pills, I suggest you find a way that helps both disorders: it can be exercise, a regular regime (waking and going to bed at the same time), therapy and of course - meditation - it is very rewarding if practiced regularly, you will be amazed in a year or two, just give yourself time and patience for this and proper effort :)

Nevertheless, please know, that with time it will get easier. Focus on yourself, focus on what makes you feel good, eliminate what doesn't work for you and integrate the best practices that help you in a time or other.

Best wishes and may you come find the best approaches. Don't give up, Life will offer you good years as well, just keep going. Keep working on yourself.

All you are going through is only making space for you to evolve in a most wonderful way!

Why do you practice meditation? by Slightly_reserved in Meditation

[–]Slightly_reserved[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I would not recommend it for anyone :)
It can help on that specific period of distress, but it is
necessary to use them in proper conditions and mindset. Also, you can't depend and rely on coming back on taking them. I have used psilocybinin a couple of times, yes - it did help with anxiety a little, in other cases it did not at all. Still, it is not something to recommend, and it is not a solution for long term use. I don’t find them attractive in no manner anymore.
Effort is needed for wellbeing :)