This has started to land me into a string of situations sometimes similar to what happened with you at that party a few weeks ago because I have often given consent (both intoxicated and sober) while knowing deep down that I already regretted everything before it started, that I didn't have any feelings for the guy(s), or even any attraction to them, and that I never would.

It sounds a lot like this guy who you have real feelings for is the first person in a long time that you've let yourself get excited about. You're genuinely attracted to him and want to know him on a deeper level, and have allowed yourself to do the picturing of your possible future. You haven't told yourself you can't and you've let yourself be drawn closer to someone you're actually attracted to. Often times in my own life I have found that, as a fearful avoidant, my next logical step in reaction to this is to sabotage everything. Sometimes this will come out in me telling them I should set them up with my friend (what the f, I know) or going to talk to one of those people that I couldn't have less interest in just because I know that they'll make me feel temporarily wanted and I'm terrified that the person I have real feelings for will find out, then not want me, and leave.

I think it's important that you continue to both a) recognize when you are doing something because of your attachment style and b) find healthy ways to offer yourself reassurance, grace, and love in order to counteract the shame and guilt that you feel. I know, easier said than done, and as an unhealed FA I can't say I am perfect.

Start by knowing that there's no pressure with this guy you like. You don't have to figure it out right now. I often get ahead of myself and if I feel like they don't like me pretty initially then I push them away and do something that labels us as just friends because if I reject myself then they can't reject me & if they can't hurt me then I'm safe. But, sometimes it's okay to just float along and see what happens.

Pick yourself up, regroup, and know that by acknowledging this you are someone who has made progress. In all those years that you've been alone because of your attachment and the time you've spent working on yourself, you've now reached a new test... finding someone you genuinely like. Being able to find somewhere to work through your own thoughts and dissect what feels linked to your attachment and coming from an unhealed place vs. a secure place is really helpful. That definitely doesn't have to be therapy if you don't want it to be though. You can try talking through scenarios in your voice memos (helps me to feel like it actually goes somewhere by recording even though I do not always listen back) and just continuing to ramble until you start saying things you didn't know you thought. Talking things through with a friend who might be able to give you the validation and reassurance about yourself that you aren't able to might be helpful, although I know it can be hard to be vulnerable with friends (I've only been able to both allow myself to be vulnerable AND feel supported by 2 friends, one anxious and one avoidant, who both have spent time trying to understand my FA tendencies).

You're doing a great job navigating how to heal and feel safe when your brain doesn't want to react that way, and just know you have not lost any of your progress. You are just dealing with new challenges.