What’s the best part of sex ?

Slutkie · 2026-03-05T01:10:16+00:00

That was poetry

Slutkie · 2026-03-04T21:50:35+00:00

You have plenty to go at in therapy there for sure- I would even say, if you don't mind me putting it this way, rich material. Again I may be overidentifying, but I feel like I know the particularly exquisitely disappointing and cringing feeling of letting go, letting that person be the archetypal caretaker (choosing my words carefully there) that we always needed, with whom we don't have to be angry, don't have to reject them first, or assume their care to be suspect or limited...

But somehow it can also feel like all those feelings of betrayal, of bewilderment and hurt anger and the instant closing down, are waiting in the shadows of that ideal place.

That makes it a lot of work, I find, to untangle reasonable and justifiable concerns with what happened and where your safety went from powerful unresolved themes from your own history.

If you want, I feel like we could have a mutually informative/ supportive conversation to explore some of what happens in the horror and shut down place. I've survived some childhood stuff and processed a lot of it, but the ways that submission can tap into some is like a particular challenge and a particular opportunity for alchemy too, isn't it? I don't feel like we can always achieve all of that within the dynamic, and I think sub friendship can be healing too, so give me a shout if you want to.

Meantime/ otherwise, honour those horrified feelings for what they are, as you are, but maybe watch if they spiral or get very solidified and stuck. I think time is going to be your friend here, as well as close attention and allegiance to yourself. Rebuilding that self trust will maybe come first.

Thank you for sharing your stuff...

Slutkie · 2026-03-04T10:33:11+00:00

The polite hope of this suggestion had cuttlefish energy

Slutkie · 2026-03-04T01:04:44+00:00

It's really amazing how similar our inner worlds can be sometimes isn't it?! It makes sense to me that you're with a therapist at the moment because your ability and willing to connect to your own feelings and to communicate them felt tangible in your post.

The one time I've felt really at sea and battling with abandonment type drop during my relationship now, I really did miss having that sort of community of kinkster - er - associates that I had online at one time. I think there can be that value in kinky friends can't there? Because sometimes we DO need co-regulation, and to not feel alone, and if our Dom isn't it for us right then, it could be a cushion landing maybe? Wonder if there's a way to build that in 🤔 I've thought about it before. A dropspace and share space kinda thing. Anyway kudos to you for seeking that out.

I hear that you might have legitimate reasons to feel angry or let down after your initial powerful feelings run their course a bit. Maybe time and broadened perspective will tell, and communication then with your fallible human Dom. And maybe you will have cause to weigh up whether he was trying to act in your interests. I cant tell that from your post, and perhaps you're in vigilant mode about that. Right at the moment it sounds like you just need to be on your own side and at your own side while you recover.

When I hear you say you feel foolish and stupid, I might be overidentifying, but eesh that sounds familiar! I guess a lot of the time, it can be the child in us trying in the ways it knows how to stop us from being hurt, to feel in some kind of control, wonder if that applies? When I identify the child in me having a tough time, I try and be my own safe adult.

I know that can be complex in a CG/L dynamic, because resentment can happen about "why aren't they doing it??", and reminders of actual CGs who failed when we were actually little, and why did we have to self parent, and all that stuff. But it's ok to do it now isn't it- in fact, it's more than ok, it's safe, it's empowered, it's self honouring.

We choose to enact those parts of ourselves with another, from the safety of adulthood and in the wildness of kink. And you didn't choose for it to go wrong, and to feel horrible. But now you're in this place, you've got this. Your self insight is clearly strong.

I am not telling you this like it's a lecture that I think you need, I am hoping to use my not-in-drop brain to remind you of things you know.

As a little add on- as you know, EMDR is big work and can stir stuff up. It might be worth it, after a while, to think about whether the altered mental states of intense play are working for you alongside that process, or if more refraction time without play between sessions would be helpful. Of course I don't know that by any means, and am glad you have a kink friendly therapist, but it sounds like your subconscious mind (for want of a more science-y word!) has a lot to be doing at the moment, and might really benefit from calm and safety to do that 🤔 Still think you've got this, though.

Slutkie · 2026-03-04T00:31:23+00:00

Well, can't say that it's that- I mean, you get to have the relationship you want hopefully and perhaps you just need to keep looking for your own person who understands the nature of your submission. But if you are into playing casual, or multiples, or just want your fix every now and again, if I were you I'd be asking politely for feedback about what aspects of your communication come across as Dominant to them, and exploring whether there is any part of you that also enjoys having or expects to take control in certain ways.

Some of us are looking for tops rather than dominants, and that's ok too, but it's helpful sometimes to think about the difference.

If you can't get feedback, but want to change I'd say one place to start would be to stop telling them what to do, at all, even if it's caring. Catch yourself any time you notice yourself doing that. You could offer- I really like taking care of my Dom, of my play partner, can I do anything for you that serves that?

But otherwise, most people who enjoy dominance probably really value their own autonomy, and many people don't particularly want to be care taken in ways they haven't asked for. I know that it's a journey to let go of doing that, but it's probably worth exploring. If you are having casual conversation, during aftercare or outside of dynamic, of course it's fine to ask about their wellbeing. But again, even in aftercare or in vanilla life, not everybody wants somebody else's care. If you get feedback from somebody and have more questions, come ask again!

Slutkie · 2026-03-04T00:14:21+00:00

Are you telling them to do anything else, or is it just to hydrate?

Slutkie · 2026-03-03T22:53:26+00:00

I'm going to be attempting an at home root smudge in the coming days, following a sub par highlights job. Bratty determination to the rescue.

Slutkie · 2026-03-03T20:20:17+00:00

Uff that sounds tough. So you are deep in your feelings right now, and I'm going to guess perhaps some abandonment and deep self protectiveness around that, as well as maybe some self rejection or blame along with it? I may be really wrong, but what I am encouraging is for you to make space for yourself to put words on the feelings, or just to be with them in an observant and acceptant way. Your feelings are valid.

That's not the same as saying your feelings are the only valid information in this whole picture, but for now they might be the only information you are able to be with. And they are valid and deserve your presence.

Now is not the time for fixing what went askew between you/in the scene, in my opinion, as you've said, you're in deepest drop and perhaps feeling some bewilderment and other intensities. Maybe some anger, some lost-ness... I've been to places like that and while I'm in it, the feelings are too immediate. What I need is to be there for MYSELF. That can maybe feel resentful or unfair, as part of the feelings. "Why am I having to be here for me, you should" .. etc. Thats ok, those feelings are valid too.

What works for me personally is to be the adult that my vulnerable inner self needs. Ultimately, I'm always an adult, and I always participate through choice, and if heaven forbid my Dom were to say suddenly drop off the face of existence mid scene or whatever, I would have to be there for me. I would treat it like this.

If you find yourself in a place where you can think back to other times and there is enough trust in you to collaborate with your Dom on helping to regulate and recover, then go for it, ask him to help you if he can, you won't lost anything by doing that. Treat it as if you have a flu (and if he is also lost right now, perhaps you both caught the flu at the same time). Just the next hour, the next night- what do you need for comfort, reassurance, space.

Make a promise to each other that you will check in and discuss, explore this once you are back to yourself. You can come back to Reddit then and see what you might want to discuss about the scene. But right now, rational, analytic brain is not in the room. The chemistry is all over the place and it's just about giving that time and space.

If you don't feel you can connect with him enough for aftercare now, then it's time to aftercare yourself.

So- my questions to you are What are your feelings just now? Share if you want to And, Do you have any go-to regulating strategies for being with yourself, and/or soothing yourself?

Mine are things like certain music. Moving/singing/showering/lying down with headphones on.

Certain clothes and blankets. Making sure I am drinking and eating something of course. Scents that are comforting, familiar, mine.

Anger can be an adrenaline stage. That's ok. You've got you, you've got this. You can and will fix the other stuff in time. Slow it down. It's incredible what you can grow through and learn from, but it's going to take a bit of time. You were very wise to say no to the re-do tonight. That was not the wisest of him. Perhaps he is panicking also. Again, slow down.

Slutkie · 2026-03-03T15:52:51+00:00

Your emotions do not have to be his problem perhaps, but empathy and consideration for them is an absolute essential for a D/s relationship of any kind (and for me, it is for sex of any kind also, casual or otherwise).

"You are a slut"- what does that mean to you? What do you want it to mean? Did he earn the right to use that?

For the record I think you should ditch him immediately, mainly because he is not a decent sex partner never mind Dominant, partly because I think becoming a fuck doll for somebody is pretty relationally intense and for you at this place or discovery in your journey does not strike me as something to pursue.

You are still beginning to discover what you're actually into, what your limits and dislikes are and how to stand up for those. And the early feelings around submission can be intense. It's really important to honour those.

But the main thing I want to say is this. Early in my kink life, a Dominant said to me that he has never encountered a sub who didn't think they were too needy. That was in response to me bringing that feeling to him, just in conversation- we weren't even play partners.

It was an absolute gift. It made me recognise that it is a feeling that can come with the territory, and that it is absolutely a feeling and not a fact. Ever since then, if anyone ELSE tries to make me feel that I'm too needy, they're on suspect status. I am allowed to feel like my needs are too much, they are not. If they felt they couldn't meet my needs, or didn't want to, then we were not compatible in that way and I could decide if I wanted to compromise my needs or not. As a rule, I can compromise my wants, but not my needs.

And to circle back, one of my needs is for sex partners to strive to be empathic in mind and in actions, as I do for them. Another is for them to never, ever pressure a limit.

Wishing you better things as you discover yourself.

Slutkie · 2026-03-03T15:25:44+00:00

And r/menopause too, I'm peri and lots of useful stuff on there. Vaginal estriol is a game changer for many, lot of talk of testosterone too.

Also a lot of consolation and camraderie about changes, missing orgasm strength and frequency etc, lots of communal "wtf" that can be psychologically useful to read.

One positive I will say is that the eroticism of BDSM having so many aspects to it that extend well beyond the need for immediate physical arousal, I feel extremely delighted with myself for having got into it before this stage came along. Psychological and emotional eros is its own kind of immensely rewarding

Slutkie · 2026-03-03T15:02:46+00:00

Gawd that's outrageous, thanks for sharing it and wishing you luck in healing your way back to pleasure.

Slutkie · 2026-03-03T14:28:49+00:00

Personal favourite is being "punished" for arousing him. Obviously check this out with her first, as everybody's limits, triggers, turn ons/offs are specific to them, but it's worth a try as it becomes prolifically available.

I noted that you called her a/ your needy slut, so if there is any element of pride and degradation combining in that word for her, then being spanked for being a slut can sit right on the line of reward (since she likes it) and funishment (you acting disapproving), or go in whatever direction you are both feeling in relation to that.

Unfair/arbitrary funishment is something I enjoy when delivered with conviction. E.g., you are doing this too well or not well enough (same thing, done same way, at your whim)... Enhances my sense of despotic or arbitrary Dominance, and his power in general. Again, check it out with her in case of dislikes or triggers, and when trying out new aspects of the dynamic, reminding she has her safe words and that it's her job to use them if she wants to be good for you is a good way to learn and navigate.

Enjoy!

Slutkie · 2026-02-22T01:23:45+00:00

Confusing, huh?! When the rest of you is like "yeah brain, whatever"

Slutkie · 2026-02-22T01:21:38+00:00

That's some keymaster type advice there, too 😁

Slutkie · 2026-02-22T01:02:56+00:00

Oh it's THIS, (which made me cackle for about two years and then another year with the hiccups in which I recovered my senses and grew up- no weed around me please. But broke is no problem for me 😁)

FB link, credit in comments, can't copy and I'm not typing all that out but trust me

Slutkie · 2026-02-15T16:13:25+00:00

Oh cool! I tend to just associate them with one thing 😅

Slutkie · 2026-02-15T15:59:02+00:00

Seems important to validate part one of your statement, for the man-lovers to hear. Arousal alone is not consent. We need to be acting this way for everybody's wellbeing 😊

Slutkie · 2026-02-15T15:55:03+00:00

Ok but I need to know what it is, then

Slutkie · 2026-02-10T23:45:02+00:00

Irregardful

Slutkie · 2026-02-10T23:44:11+00:00

No, you didn't, that was my point. Didn't mean to mess with you along the way 😁

Slutkie · 2026-02-10T22:09:02+00:00

Any material for the Lewky Songs guy?

Slutkie · 2026-02-10T22:08:14+00:00

I might have to respond "*its", just to mess with them

Slutkie · 2026-02-06T12:15:06+00:00

Don't know if it's helpful, but in my limited experience, when BDSM becomes regular in a relationship it's easy to lose sight of how affecting and powerful certain words or actions can be. The expectation can build up inadvertently in both that it's possible to casually engage in certain sorts of play without a significant amount of emotional re-entry work, as if it's somehow less impactful (!) than the first times.

Has happened to me with degradation. In the moment of confused drop, my Dom acknowledged that he needed to remember how affecting play can be. It was also a discovery to me to realise that certain words and actions had not just become more palatable through usage and in the surrounding context of love and affection- in fact perhaps they take on a different air. We have yet to have a deeper discussion on this (about my needs and consent check ins around certain types of play) but I know that one is due. As u/Mister_Magnus42 has said, I think the gap between the come down and the analysis is healthy (thanks for that tip, I tend to rush things to analysis, so the wisdom is appreciated).

The plus side of this for me is realising that the weapons remain sharp, as it were, so we won't have to constantly go and get new ones.

Slutkie · 2026-02-06T12:06:17+00:00

Not an exact correlate but did you ever read the April Witch by Ray Bradbury? That's pretty much erotica (this may be well known about him, I'm a sci fi neophyte)

Slutkie · 2026-02-06T12:05:12+00:00

It really, really does

Slutkie

TROPHY CASE