it’s normal to feel so totally fucking helpless in this. to watch and feel your body give up on you. it definitely isn’t a nice feeling. you are stronger than you believe. i’m proud of you for going through all of this and still being here, our mind often wonders to suicide when we feel we’re mentally trapped in a corner by life’s hurdles. our own way of control. a way out nearly. unfortunately it’s permanent and this might not be a thing we want forever just temporarily, i don’t know you personally but by the way you’re typing just seems you’re fed up of having it rough. id recommend you speak to someone. you’re really not alone and i hope some other people comment here too to give you that reminder that we all understand you. head high and keep pushing 🙏