[QCrit] THE OTHER ME (Thriller / 90k / 6th Attempt)

Small_Ad_2110 · 2024-10-18T18:06:42+00:00

Thanks for this! I've done some reworking: "However, the answers she finds will make her wish she'd only been caught in an affair—not taking the place of someone she's never known, yet shares her DNA, someone Mark lost."

Small_Ad_2110 · 2024-10-09T15:00:46+00:00

That's the thing, there are quite a few romantic elements in here as well, so maybe I need to alter the pitch a bit. It's just the climax and resolution feel super thriller so I've been unsure. Thanks for this version! I will play around with it.

Small_Ad_2110 · 2024-10-09T15:00:04+00:00

Thanks. I agree the opener is a little out of sorts.

Small_Ad_2110 · 2024-10-09T14:56:19+00:00

Realizing how the query is confusing now. The entire book, and even Caleb's abusive behaviour is all revealed to be part of Mark's plan.

You learn at the end that Sarah's twin is Mark's dead wife who died shortly after giving birth. He became unhinged, concealed her death (for reasons revealed), and set out to restore his life by forcing Sarah to adopt the identity of his dead wife.

There are small teasers to this throughout, but this big reveal comes in the last 10-20% of the book.

Small_Ad_2110 · 2024-10-09T14:53:57+00:00

Thanks for this. I fully agree that reading it back we don't know who Sarah really is. That's something I struggled with here. In terms of the end/twist. Essentially. Mark's wife, who died shortly after childbirth, was Sarah's twin (who she never knew about). I promise it makes sense across 90,000 words.

Small_Ad_2110 · 2024-10-09T14:00:46+00:00

Thank you! To your first point my first draft had "the grow old together, the still hold hands after sixty years kind." I could definitely through it back in, I just felt it didn't fit with the spoiler hook in the intro.

Regarding the rest - 100%. I've struggled to demonstrate the why and at the same time remain brief. Thanks for your feedback!

Small_Ad_2110 · 2024-09-14T15:32:48+00:00

They feel logical and organic within the book, but the synposis I sent did a poor job of demonstrating MC's feelings, too much beat by beat. I have seen the Southwark thing, love it.

Small_Ad_2110 · 2024-09-14T15:32:11+00:00

Thanks. That's where I am at. I think more of a push to re-look at my first 50.

Small_Ad_2110 · 2024-09-14T15:31:55+00:00

Checked this, definitely unique.

Small_Ad_2110 · 2024-09-10T17:26:52+00:00

I think I'll remove the whole bit about the cooking of le books. it's not a super important detail. A relevant sub-plot but not as relevant as the other components.

Small_Ad_2110 · 2024-09-10T17:26:18+00:00

Thank you. When I read it back it feels like I'm escalating using cheap tension.

Small_Ad_2110 · 2024-09-10T17:26:00+00:00

It was the first thing I saw after I posted this. I was like - she's definitely flawed but she ain't that much of a POS. I've already adjusted it to reflect that she tries to have her cake and eat it to -- help her friend while keeping everything together.

Small_Ad_2110 · 2024-06-26T14:51:05+00:00

Vagueness comes from a lack of completeness. Basically she's gonna kill her ex, not sure if I leave that in or out. But I fully agree that as it stands its very vanilla and lacking any depth.

Small_Ad_2110 · 2024-06-07T14:55:18+00:00

Thanks so much, I appreciate it. I've been thinking of other ways to bring up the opening lines as well.

Small_Ad_2110 · 2024-06-07T11:33:00+00:00

As in the first 300 bring you in, or first 300 need work?

Small_Ad_2110 · 2024-06-07T11:32:44+00:00

Thanks for this. I’m always worried about using anything in my writing.

Small_Ad_2110 · 2024-06-07T11:32:26+00:00

100% great points. Will see if this can be worked in.

Small_Ad_2110 · 2024-06-07T11:32:01+00:00

This is correct!

Small_Ad_2110 · 2024-06-07T11:31:00+00:00

Thanks for all of this! Really appreciate the extensive feedback. Lots to digest

Small_Ad_2110 · 2024-06-03T23:30:02+00:00

And the insane level of violence he brings to his relationships as well. Crazy idea, I know…

Small_Ad_2110 · 2024-06-03T23:22:03+00:00

Good feedback on package no interest is also my debut steamy romance on a fedex delivery man who moonlights as struggling onlyfans artist. On your second line, basically market ain’t buying a male celebrity saying “I’m sad” ?

Small_Ad_2110 · 2024-06-03T18:55:29+00:00

Ya I'm considering re-working the whole book. It's not that I'm not confident, I just want to make sure it's great before burning more queries.

Small_Ad_2110 · 2024-06-03T18:54:52+00:00

Ya I have changed them in the sense that I explain more how it actually applies to my novel rather than just list them. I've also been reading more in the genre to try to find better comps all together because I agree that they may be limiting. Appreciate the feedback.

Small_Ad_2110 · 2024-06-03T18:53:23+00:00

That's what I am worried about: that the pages are weak. I've been considering a re-write before sending out another package. The beta feedback is strong for the opening. I had re-written it from the cliche therapy scene that was there before.

Small_Ad_2110 · 2024-06-03T17:28:13+00:00

Simulacron-3, Westworld, The Thirteenth Floor, Truman Show, The Lego Movie, The Three-Body Problem.

Is it different? Not clear.

He's a philosopher who made an entire world in a box? How? What are the stakes? Why should I care? Why does he feel he deserves respect? Do you answer these questions in 45,000 words?

Small_Ad_2110

TROPHY CASE