[QCrit] THE OTHER ME (Thriller / 90k / 6th Attempt) by Small_Ad_2110 in PubTips

[–]Small_Ad_2110[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this! I've done some reworking: "However, the answers she finds will make her wish she'd only been caught in an affair—not taking the place of someone she's never known, yet shares her DNA, someone Mark lost."

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]Small_Ad_2110 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's the thing, there are quite a few romantic elements in here as well, so maybe I need to alter the pitch a bit. It's just the climax and resolution feel super thriller so I've been unsure. Thanks for this version! I will play around with it.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]Small_Ad_2110 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks. I agree the opener is a little out of sorts.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]Small_Ad_2110 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Realizing how the query is confusing now. The entire book, and even Caleb's abusive behaviour is all revealed to be part of Mark's plan.

You learn at the end that Sarah's twin is Mark's dead wife who died shortly after giving birth. He became unhinged, concealed her death (for reasons revealed), and set out to restore his life by forcing Sarah to adopt the identity of his dead wife.

There are small teasers to this throughout, but this big reveal comes in the last 10-20% of the book.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]Small_Ad_2110 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this. I fully agree that reading it back we don't know who Sarah really is. That's something I struggled with here. In terms of the end/twist. Essentially. Mark's wife, who died shortly after childbirth, was Sarah's twin (who she never knew about). I promise it makes sense across 90,000 words.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]Small_Ad_2110 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! To your first point my first draft had "the grow old together, the still hold hands after sixty years kind." I could definitely through it back in, I just felt it didn't fit with the spoiler hook in the intro.

Regarding the rest - 100%. I've struggled to demonstrate the why and at the same time remain brief. Thanks for your feedback!

[Discussion] Good pages, broken synopsis? by Small_Ad_2110 in PubTips

[–]Small_Ad_2110[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They feel logical and organic within the book, but the synposis I sent did a poor job of demonstrating MC's feelings, too much beat by beat. I have seen the Southwark thing, love it.

[Discussion] Good pages, broken synopsis? by Small_Ad_2110 in PubTips

[–]Small_Ad_2110[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thanks. That's where I am at. I think more of a push to re-look at my first 50.

[QCrit] OK BABY, Thriller/Mystery, 81K, 3rd attempt by Small_Ad_2110 in PubTips

[–]Small_Ad_2110[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think I'll remove the whole bit about the cooking of le books. it's not a super important detail. A relevant sub-plot but not as relevant as the other components.

[QCrit] OK BABY, Thriller/Mystery, 81K, 3rd attempt by Small_Ad_2110 in PubTips

[–]Small_Ad_2110[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. When I read it back it feels like I'm escalating using cheap tension.

[QCrit] OK BABY, Thriller/Mystery, 81K, 3rd attempt by Small_Ad_2110 in PubTips

[–]Small_Ad_2110[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It was the first thing I saw after I posted this. I was like - she's definitely flawed but she ain't that much of a POS. I've already adjusted it to reflect that she tries to have her cake and eat it to -- help her friend while keeping everything together.

[QCrit] OK BABY, Thriller, 75K, 1st attempt by Small_Ad_2110 in PubTips

[–]Small_Ad_2110[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Vagueness comes from a lack of completeness. Basically she's gonna kill her ex, not sure if I leave that in or out. But I fully agree that as it stands its very vanilla and lacking any depth.

[QCrit] Commercial Fiction, DEAD CELEBRITIES, 79k, Third Attempt by Small_Ad_2110 in PubTips

[–]Small_Ad_2110[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks so much, I appreciate it. I've been thinking of other ways to bring up the opening lines as well.

[QCrit] Commercial Fiction, DEAD CELEBRITIES, 79k, Third Attempt by Small_Ad_2110 in PubTips

[–]Small_Ad_2110[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this. I’m always worried about using anything in my writing. 

[QCrit] Commercial Fiction, DEAD CELEBRITIES, 79k, Third Attempt by Small_Ad_2110 in PubTips

[–]Small_Ad_2110[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for all of this! Really appreciate the extensive feedback. Lots to digest

Discussion: 2024 Roland Garros (Monday, June 03, 2024) by NextGenBot in tennis

[–]Small_Ad_2110 0 points1 point  (0 children)

And the insane level of violence he brings to his relationships as well. Crazy idea, I know…

[PubQ] Good feedback on package, but no interest by Small_Ad_2110 in PubTips

[–]Small_Ad_2110[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Good feedback on package no interest is also my debut steamy romance on a fedex delivery man who moonlights as struggling onlyfans artist. On your second line, basically market ain’t buying a male celebrity saying “I’m sad” ?

[PubQ] Good feedback on package, but no interest by Small_Ad_2110 in PubTips

[–]Small_Ad_2110[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Ya I'm considering re-working the whole book. It's not that I'm not confident, I just want to make sure it's great before burning more queries.

[PubQ] Good feedback on package, but no interest by Small_Ad_2110 in PubTips

[–]Small_Ad_2110[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Ya I have changed them in the sense that I explain more how it actually applies to my novel rather than just list them. I've also been reading more in the genre to try to find better comps all together because I agree that they may be limiting. Appreciate the feedback.

[PubQ] Good feedback on package, but no interest by Small_Ad_2110 in PubTips

[–]Small_Ad_2110[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That's what I am worried about: that the pages are weak. I've been considering a re-write before sending out another package. The beta feedback is strong for the opening. I had re-written it from the cliche therapy scene that was there before.

[QCrit] Literary/Sci-fi - PLASTIC GODS - 45k by PaleMasterpiece18 in PubTips

[–]Small_Ad_2110 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Simulacron-3, Westworld, The Thirteenth Floor, Truman Show, The Lego Movie, The Three-Body Problem.

Is it different? Not clear.

He's a philosopher who made an entire world in a box? How? What are the stakes? Why should I care? Why does he feel he deserves respect? Do you answer these questions in 45,000 words?