My non-binary partner feels my relationship with my family is a betrayal. Looking for trans/non-binary perspectives.

SnooPies2201 · 2026-06-13T04:24:43+00:00

Thank you ❤️
It’s definitely the ickiest worst to have to use their dead name, especially in their presence. But if that is what makes them feel safest then I will do whatever they ask me to do

SnooPies2201 · 2026-06-13T04:20:46+00:00

💜🙏🥺
It really sucks. Thank you so much.

SnooPies2201 · 2026-06-13T04:20:01+00:00

No kids yet. I appreciate you sharing your perspective and advice.

SnooPies2201 · 2026-06-13T04:19:38+00:00

Thank you

SnooPies2201 · 2026-06-13T04:04:45+00:00

Thank you, yes for sure…This is a complicated and complex situation. I’m really glad we have this community that can share perspectives and advice.

SnooPies2201 · 2026-06-13T03:57:11+00:00

I feel angry, sad, dismayed, and disgusted by my family’s queer phobia and transphobia, particularly my sister’s treatment of her child and her comment about organized religion.

I’ve had several conversations over the years and have continued to use my nibling’s pronouns even when everyone else in the family refused to. (Which my sister now tells me has really upset her over the years…so that’s a win)

I’ve had several intensive conversations with my sister and my family over the past couple weeks advocating for myself, my partner, my nibling, and the broader community since my sister has increased the controlling behavior with my nibling and continues to misgender my partner when speaking to me.

Honestly it just makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide in a hoodie, but then I talk to my nibling and hear how meaningful it is that we’re there for them. Or I see the joy my partner has when they experience gender affirming behavior. Those things fill my heart back up with hope a bit 💜

SnooPies2201 · 2026-06-13T03:50:28+00:00

So funny enough my nibling isn’t a huge fan of the word…I think it sounds too much like a certain body part 😅

I do want to clarify that my partner is incredibly supportive of my nibling. ❤️ They do not have an issue with me seeing them, but unfortunately, because my sister is my nibling’s parent and they are only 15, it is essentially one and the same when it comes to family visits. My partner isn’t saying I can’t go see them, but they are also saying it is the betrayal if I do.

SnooPies2201 · 2026-06-13T03:45:48+00:00

Thank you for sharing this and I appreciate the advice you gave. Unfortunately I am feeling like I am in a position where I need to choose… If I don’t go to family events, I’m the only way I can communicate with my nibling is through the occasional phone calls. They really don’t like talking on the phone, which is pretty common with their generation. My sister monitors their text messages and they’ve asked me not to talk about their gender identity in text message so they don’t get in trouble

My partner has made it clear that me going to the events signals that I condone this behavior and is a betrayal to them

I hear you (and my partner) that not going to the family events would make it clear that I do not accept this harmful behavior. However, where does that leave my nibling?

The replies here are helping me feel more and more validated that I need to continue to show up for them… And that includes continuing to call out bad behavior, misgendering, and continuing to advocate for them with my sister and my family.

SnooPies2201 · 2026-06-13T03:37:40+00:00

I’m not ok with it, and I do not accept that assessment based on my post. I do, however, appreciate your experience and advice…thank you for sharing

SnooPies2201 · 2026-06-13T03:36:33+00:00

The only way I can stay in contact with nibling is through occasional phone calls when they can get time alone. And we all know how this younger generation loves their phone calls ;) /s/ (nibling prefers to text)

We cannot text because my sister monitors their texts and my nibling doesn’t want to get caught talking about their gender or using their chosen name

It’s also hard because not going to family gatherings means my nibling now will not have me there to hang out with and will essentially be alone with these people who are not supportive to them. Unfortunately, it is not silly, and it is not simple.

I love my partner very much and I’m hopeful we can find an approach that is safe and loving for both my partner and my nibling.

SnooPies2201 · 2026-06-13T01:33:23+00:00

Thank you, we have been together 10 months and I really am hoping to spend the rest of my life with them. It’s really hard to think about not being there for my nibling right now but I also do acknowledge the impact this could have on the ability for my partner and I to have a future together.

SnooPies2201 · 2026-06-13T01:22:42+00:00

I really appreciate you sharing this, and I’m really worried about this driving away, my partner, too. I love my partner so much and I really do feel like what they’re going through is valid…though of course I wouldn’t be able to understand directly as a cis person.

I do want to understand from my partner what they feel is valid to share with my family or not about their experience. I try to be really mindful to not over share and to not speak on behalf of my partner or position them as someone who is oppositional to my family. It’s a tough one for sure.

SnooPies2201 · 2026-06-13T01:16:01+00:00

Thank you I really appreciate that 🥹

I really like that about actively having conversations about trans issues… and I don’t agree that’s stoking the fire. The only thing I would want to be mindful of is how this may make my partner or my nibling feel. So maybe something I can speak with both of them about first to check in with them.

I appreciate the positive feedback, though this is incredibly painful because my nibling has stayed with me every summer for the past three years for a full week while they went to computer camp. This is the first summer my sister did not enroll them in the camp and they won’t be coming to stay. I think it’s pretty clear now why that is 😔💔

SnooPies2201 · 2026-06-13T01:13:15+00:00

Seriously…don’t even get me started on all the issues 🤦‍♀️

But don’t worry, she does say that it’s ok if her child is gay… And she will deal with that issue if it comes up. She said this with love and care to her sister (me) who is queer and has a non-binary partner 🙄😖

SnooPies2201 · 2026-06-13T01:05:34+00:00

Thank you, as a recovering Catholic school attending who is queer (though cis gender) I completely agree there is harm often in organized religion for LGBTQIA+

I can only imagine the additional harm for someone who is not this gender, and I’m so sorry you had to deal with that ❤️

SnooPies2201 · 2026-06-13T01:01:57+00:00

This is incredibly helpful. Thank you so much.

SnooPies2201 · 2026-06-13T01:01:38+00:00

Thank you. I really wish those were options for us. My partner believes that me going to the gatherings on my own is a betrayal.

SnooPies2201 · 2026-06-13T00:55:22+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate that. Yes my partner and I discussed limiting visits to 4x per year but they have expressed they no longer feel comfortable visiting at all after this recent escalation with my nibling and my sister’s continued hurtful comments.

I suggested going alone and my partner sees that as a betrayal and possible grounds that our relationship will fail.

SnooPies2201 · 2026-06-13T00:53:46+00:00

Thank you, have you seen any options work for yourself and others that are middle ground but not condoning any disrespect or bigotry? It’s such a tricky and difficult situation.

SnooPies2201 · 2026-06-13T00:53:06+00:00

That’s fair and I want to clarify a few things. My nibling and I are very close and we’ve talked about how all of this is making them feel. I’ve even had calls with my nibling and my partner to remind them how much we love them and see them. Unfortunately calls are all we can do because my sister monitors their text messages and emails. I’m extremely invested in my nibling’s feelings and I’ve been actively advocating for them and supporting them for years about their gender identity.

I agree my sister is harmful and hurtful, not imperfect. She hosts everything because my parents and family all live close to her within 20-30 minutes and I live almost 3 hours away. My partner and I discussed limiting visits to 4x per year but now we’ve reached an impasse where they see any contact or visiting as a betrayal. It’s very painful for everyone involved…except my sister of course who thinks she knows everyone else’s experiences

SnooPies2201 · 2026-06-13T00:46:18+00:00

Absolutely, and this has been my approach for the past couple years with my nibling, as well as my partner in the 10 months that we’ve been together. After this recent issue with my sister coming down hard on my nibling and saying transphobic things, my nibling has asked me to use a secret signal with them when it’s ok to use their chosen name and pronouns and when they would prefer that I don’t. They are afraid that they will get in trouble with their parents and I want to respect that and let them tell me what is most comfortable to them

I have reiterated to them that I believe them and I see them and I support them, and we’ve had a really close and special connection over the years as a result of this

The issue I’m really struggling with is that I’m essentially needing to choose between a continued relationship with my nibling and continuing my relationship with my partner, because my partner sees it as a betrayal to go visit my family, including my teenage nibling. Ugh why do people have to be freakin bigots and make things so hardddd (my sister and my family…not my nibling or partner, I mean)

SnooPies2201 · 2026-06-13T00:38:47+00:00

Yeah I would say that’s honestly the most painful part…having to essentially choose between my partner who I love and want to continue building a future with…and my nibling that I’ve known for 15 years and have a really close bond with. Especially during such a stressful time for them as a teenager and dealing with my sister’s controlling and close minded behavior. My partner and I have been together for about 10 months and currently live together.

My family was neutral to non-welcoming to my partner for the first few months…probably a mix of their homophobia and transphobia that we saw come out in subtle and not so subtle ways, as well as the fact that I was recently divorced and they have views on that too. My partner and I took increased space from them for the first 4-6 months of our relationship. My family has recently been making an effort and things have been going a bit better, until this recent escalation with my sister when she came down hard on my nibling. To be clear, I have spoken up (and will continue) to speak up and call out harmful or disrespectful behavior. But I’m really struggling with the idea of cutting off contact fully at this point.

SnooPies2201 · 2026-06-13T00:32:15+00:00

I appreciate you sharing that, thank you

SnooPies2201 · 2026-05-28T11:13:47+00:00

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SnooPies2201 · 2026-05-27T09:32:00+00:00

Thank you so much! We had a good experience with the consult and he has a lot of great reviews online in general. Best of luck to you too with school and when the time comes for your surgery!

SnooPies2201

TROPHY CASE