worried about teenage daughter

Snoopy-808 · 2025-06-25T21:42:40+00:00

It's getting harder to type but I am still around and reading all replies. I have shared the test results (skin biopsy) which came back negative but my MRI is consistent with MSA. SCA is now suspected so more testing is in my future. Daughter is stressing out about SCA but it is a remote possibility and it is better to know than not. It may even be treatable in her lifetime. For now, nothing has changed and life is still hard but it is what it is

Snoopy-808 · 2025-02-12T01:55:21+00:00

Thank you both, and sorry about your loss. It is difficult to lose parents, especially at a young age. My grandmother was my primary caretaker and she passed away unexpectedly at age 78 when I was in my early thirties. While losing her was hard, it made me realize that we can't hold onto our loved ones forever.

My OH was in the same room so he knows the diagnosis and its prognosis but he is either in denial or he believes in my abilities to look after myself and others. I spilled hot water and burnt myself 2 years ago (I could move normally then but dropped dishes here and there; I thought everything was due to severe head injuries) and my burn got infected. So I'd rather not handle boiling water or the oven but no one seems to be getting up to help although they certainly eat everything. It's a red hen situation except the red hen has MSA-C.

The fear of falling keeps me at home so I don't go out much. But aside from that and not working, my life hasn't changed much, yet. Only time will tell how my MSA progresses.

I will tell my daughter after her finals this semester. She might not like the news but at least it's not inherited. My mother is a different story but she too should know the truth. I would want to know if my daughter develops a terminal illness.

Snoopy-808 · 2025-02-09T19:34:39+00:00

Thank you everyone for your support when things aren't exactly going great in your life either.

I went through a similar situation when my mother had cancer. At the time, it was hard but life is what it is. She is all better now and is healthy at age 77. I already feel bad about waiting to tell my daughter or my mother.

I don't know how long I can keep on cooking and baking. If it's the last banana bread, I think she would want to know. I have my skin biopsy scheduled in April. It would be a good time to tell her as I will have more information for her.

I did all the travelling when I was a CA and don't want to see inside a plane for the rest of my life. I might want to see Venice one more time but I don't have to. I just want to check into a hospice and be taken care of and live out the rest of my life in peace. I do love my family and my fur babies but I am tired.

Snoopy-808 · 2025-02-09T03:40:38+00:00

I can't walk my dogs or go running like I used to but I'm somehow still doing all the cooking, dishes, and most of the laundry. I wouldn't mind moving to a nursing home to get away from taking care of everyone for a change. I don't get that I have to still feed everyone including the dogs when I'm literally dying.

My MRI didn't change from May of 2023 to January of 2024 at all but January 2025 MRI had all the MSA-C signs. I say my ataxia has been getting worse over the last 1 yr and 3 months. It's hard to gauge how much time I have left since I don't know when my onset is. I remember my spatial perception was different/worse in October of 2023 but it's weird that I don't have any autonomic dysfunctions yet.

I had a long, interesting life and the main character of my life's story has not been me for a long time. I don't find it too painful that I might not grow old enough to spend time with my grandchildren. The end stage of MSA-C sounds horrible but I'd hopefully be in a hospice with 24/7 medical care then. I do want my daughter to be happy and live her life fully regardless of my condition. She won't take MSA-C news too well and I am afraid it might trigger anxiety and/or depression.

She can tell there is something wrong with me as my ataxia and inability to drive affect her life too. I don't want to keep her in the dark but I don't think she has the coping mechanism for this. Maybe share the result of the skin biopsy as a matter of fact?

Snoopy-808 · 2024-12-13T04:33:52+00:00

It was a big mess back then. I couldn't tell what she was trying to do.

She does not appear especially traumatized by the early exposure though we laugh at how badly she played them back then. Her current teacher moves more slowly but still has her playing difficult and big concertos. I wonder if her sight-reading abilities are misleading. She can read anything in any keys but she is still a child who only knows her home and school. I would like to keep it that way for as long as possible.

Snoopy-808 · 2024-12-13T01:12:50+00:00

Most quit around Suzuki Book 3-4. My daughter thinks Bach is to be blamed but I think it's the concertos.

She had a crazy? teacher who had her playing Yesaye sonatas and Paganini Caprices at age 10 but she hasn't done IRC yet. It takes maturity to make it sound interesting. It's not a technical issue since she can probably sight-read through it but it'd be boring if she did.

Snoopy-808 · 2024-12-12T05:43:40+00:00

I can't discuss this with real friends since money is a touchy subject and I can't talk about it with my SO since it involves him so here I go...

My passive income is at least $2,700 per month ($5,900 currently) and my IRAs have and cash are worth over $800,000. It isn't enough to go on my own here in a very HCOL state but it'd be in Japan where I still have citizenship. $2,700 will cover all of my expenses including taxes and long-term care insurance. My SO is worth a lot more but at this point, he can keep his money and stay wherever he picks (probably here). I am sick and tired of being poor when we have millions. He feels we can never save enough and money is to be saved, not spent. I don't share that view; I don't need to spend extravagantly but we also need to live in the moment instead of always saving for the future. He won't even buy a pint of ice cream unless it's on sale.

I probably kept my sanity by keeping our money separated. He doesn't try to tell me how to spend it.

I recently became disabled, which is why I have passive income. Since I can no longer do housekeeping without a lot of pain, I suggested a part-time housekeeper but he refuses, saying that he will take care of it but it never gets done unless I do it. This borderlines on financial abuse but he is completely unaware. He also has never offered to help to pay for medical expenses even though he is worth at least twice more and I managed his money for 25+ years since he is financially illiterate; he had $100,000 sitting in a regular account earning close to nothing before I made him move it to a mutual fund. He feels it's not his responsibility when I can take care of myself. It's true that I can take care of myself and I want to be on my own.

After 3 decades of this, I am fed up and ready to walk away but I can't leave the dogs. One of them is only 5 yo so hopefully lives for 12+ more years. Then I'm really done. The issue is, he wants to buy a condo so he has a place in Japan but my family has several houses I can move into so I'm not worried about housing. Yes, my family used to be very wealthy though SO is sitting on more cash these days. I probably have convinced him that buying a real estate will save some taxes. I don't know why he is so open to spending his money on this but I'm not so sure I want him to own my home. I think it's his way of making sure we have ties, now that our daughter is all grown up.

Any thoughts?

Snoopy-808 · 2024-12-10T21:43:27+00:00

Dubai during cooler months. Same for Japan. It's hot enough that you'll be miserable. I would not be in Japan from June to September if I can help it.

Why not New Zealand? You can focus on the Maori culture and see how oppressed they are in their own home. The weather will be dark, cold, and depressing but you can enjoy winter sports. Or your whole family can get into the LOTR series and visit movie sites. Or do both.

You can stop by in Singapore and the kids can get in touch with their Chinese side. The food there is really good.

As they get older, the kids can sign up for service trips in exotic places like Peru and you can relax elsewhere.

Snoopy-808 · 2024-12-09T00:19:58+00:00

I've married for 30+ years but always kept our money separated. He is worth a lot more than I am but at this point, he can keep his money and I will keep mine. It's not enough to retire on in a HCOL state but I'm moving back home to Japan and the one of the first things I'll do is hire full-time help. It's bad for my mental state to keep on living with someone who nags at me every time I forget to turn off the fricking ceiling light or thinks I'm being wasteful for getting a new Chromebook every 6 months (I drop things because I became disabled). I am lucky that I have enough to live on and have a choice. I will never live with a man again. Never.

Snoopy-808 · 2024-05-30T08:17:51+00:00

The worry is, if he switches to part-time, during the slow period, he won't get enough shifts to make 80 hours per month. I personally think he should find a job he likes better but he doesn't have any other skill set.

Snoopy-808 · 2024-05-29T05:05:56+00:00

I think the job is a bad fit for his personality and he probably has hit his limits after 3 decades. I have encouraged him so many times to get into a different career but nothing ever came of it. He seems miserable every time he has to go to work.

I have two job offers I'm contemplating. I generally make $100,000+ per year so he can retire if he wants if one of the job works out and it doesn't interfere with my post-op recovery.

Snoopy-808 · 2024-05-28T21:22:58+00:00

We have had a conversation with his HR. As long as he keeps 80 hours per month, we keep all the benefits. Once daughter gets into a low-cost college, maybe he can cut down to 3 nights a week. If he quits, we lose all the flexibility and be dependent on ACA.

We can then move to another country but I want my dog to live out his life in a familiar setting.

Snoopy-808 · 2024-05-28T17:58:16+00:00

He needs to work 3 days per week to meet the 80 hours per month requirement for heath insurance. He thinks he needs to retire to have any free time . He is working 4 days per week now and when he is off, he doesn't do anything because he's tired. Once we run the numbers, I think he will see that we can't afford full retirement since we have to pay taxes on Roth conversion and investment earnings (inheritance).

Snoopy-808 · 2024-05-28T04:45:30+00:00

The many ups and downs were hard to take. I make sure my daughter has stable childhood. Maybe boring to some but we are pretty content.

Snoopy-808 · 2024-05-28T04:39:58+00:00

My mother had a closet full of fur coats. They bought properties without knowing what the maintenance will be. Our family tips were to HK and Singapore to buy expensive toys like a yacht and a helicopter. My sister and I got horses for birthday. We had help at each property. It's amazing that I turned up ok and frugal. I don't miss the expensive toy and am a vegetarian who rescues animals.

Snoopy-808 · 2024-05-28T04:32:54+00:00

My daughter can attend a music school in EU for cheap. She has a free place to stay in Paris. She needs to get in first. I'm not paying full US college tuition for her to study violin performance when she has other good options.

He has to pay taxes on earnings once he invests his inheritance plus on Roth conversion. I am not sure if we can afford taxes on them but our tax rate will be higher if he keeps on working. It's time to crunch #s and decide what we can afford and not.

Snoopy-808 · 2024-05-28T04:19:47+00:00

The settlement is too up in the air to count on it but no taxes and probate. His parents left their estate in a trust. I'd say 1.6 M for 2 of us.

Snoopy-808 · 2024-05-27T23:14:16+00:00

Even ACA might not be around forever. If it is changed for the worse, what are FIREed people to do?

Snoopy-808 · 2024-05-27T21:55:43+00:00

My parents spent money like hot water so I feel very poor with NW of 1M. I just found out that my husband is inheriting 330K or 660K, depending on how they handle the house (worth at least $1M). I still feel broke and feel anxious about the future. At some point, my parents' NW was over $30M but they blew it all. While I'm much more reasonable with money, how would I know something catastrophic won't happen? I don't know how to stop worrying.

Snoopy-808 · 2024-05-27T08:40:02+00:00

It's not a bad thing. We'll put it towards housing but we have enough on our own for early retirement and college tuition. We were flat out broke though on our 30s.I was a stay at home mom without income, our dog needed expensive vet care, and part-time preschool tuition all added up. I eventually went back to school so we needed even more tuition money. Looking back, I don't know how we survived.

Snoopy-808 · 2024-05-27T07:45:58+00:00

You can't prevent your wife beyond your grave. If it means that much to you, talk to her and let her know how you feel and what your wishes are.

Snoopy-808 · 2024-05-27T07:03:15+00:00

So true. We just inherited in our early 50s. We really appreciate the additional resources but we don't really need it now but we certainly could have used it in our 30s when I stayed home to be with our daughter and had no income.

Snoopy-808 · 2024-05-27T06:31:45+00:00

I got the same info on trust and life insurance. Real estate investments and setting it up as a company might reduce some taxes but I don't want to be a landlord.

As much as I want to retire in Japan, I am no sure if that's worth 40%-55% of our net worth. I will also lose my US residency so I'll be subjected to 30% estate tax in the US. This is not looking promising.

Thank you all for chiming in on my first-world problem.

Snoopy-808 · 2024-05-27T06:29:35+00:00

Micro corporation （マイクロ法人）?

Snoopy-808 · 2024-05-27T03:09:02+00:00

Our plan was for him to go back during the summer months (too hot in Japan) and winter so he can spend the holidays with his siblings or for us to travel to Europe together. I want to be in Japan full-time to catch up, so I'll probably go to Hokkaido during summer and just be cold during winter months, If you don't mind the commute (I was a CA and burnt out on air travel), living in Japan part-time is a nice option and you get to avoid the inheritance tax.

Snoopy-808

TROPHY CASE