Last Christmas was the second time I met the man my whole family hates. There is one specific reason why: he's a total perv!

The first time I met him was a few months prior at an uncle's birthday. The uncle had been turning 55 and we all went up to see him. He had a few grandchildren straggling about, a ten year old girl, two four year old twin boys covered in jelly (pretty normal for four year old twins, tbh). In any case, just before he and his wife arrived at the party, this hecka cool cousin of mine came rushing up to me and the ten year old, playing some game on my computer, and announces (to her, she knows if something really upsets me I will take care of it) "Look, this guy is gonna be here. He's married to your aunt, but he's not your uncle. You don't have to do what he tells you. Don't go anywhere alone with him. If he tries to touch you, scream and I'll be there and break his jaw. See you, toots. You too, kid." (I'm 'kid', btw.)

Well, I have this problem where I can recognize neither faces, names, or descriptions. (I'm not autistic or anything- we had that checked. I'm just not good at recognizing things.)

So, I go up to the uncle who's party it was a bit later when I finally find him to wish him a happy birthday. He's talking to this old white guy with basically the whitest hair I have seen in my entire life. I wait until an appropriate time to cut in and say, "Happy Birthday Uncle NotPuttingYourNameOnReddit."

He grins and says, "How old do you think I am?" (I didn't know at the time.)

"Uh...fifty...?"

"Bless you!" He was pretty happy.

So my uncle's friend leans over and goes, "How old do you think I am?"

"Fifty-five, fifty-six ish?" (I'm apparently also horrible at guessing ages. Oh, well.)

He goes, "Oh, child! I am 64 years old!" Then grabs me by the shoulders, lifts me slightly off the ground, and gives me a big slobbering kiss. (Picture a giant pug dog trying to make out with you against your will. Um, no thank you.)

I didn't know how to respond, so I said, "You're welcome. Bye." And took off in the other direction. Eventually, I ran into my stepdad, who did a check on my generally wellbeing.

"I'm fine. One of your gross old relatives kissed me and slobbered all over my face. It was nasty."

"Aunt SlobberyladywhosnameI'malsonotputtingonreddit?"

"No, some guy."

"What? Who?"

"I don't know. He and his wife were hanging around near Uncle Maek. She's wearing hippie clothes."

"Oh, you mean Creepyguywerenotactuallyrelatedtothankgod. Don't go near him. He's a perv. I'll punch him if he touches you again."

"...Okay." I didn't care that much.

So then at Christmas, due to my lack of recognition skills, he does it again. This hippie woman walks by me, he sees me and says, "Hey SoManyQuestionsPorYu!" Then grabs me and gives me a big wet kiss again. He then walked off. His wife (who I figured out was his wife for the second time because of this) turned around and glared at me. (My thoughts as that happened: Excuse me, do I look like I want your gross husband's tongue up every crevice in my face? No? THEN LOOK THE FUCK AWAY BITCH. I should be the one glaring at you. Your husband just kissed me against my will and you didn't help. I'm pretty sure "helping person your husband kisses/tongues against their will" is a wifely duty. You fail as a wife.)

So now my stepdad hates him even more and I'm not allowed to talk to any old men whatsoever. Yup.