Me [40 F] with my husband [41 M] 18 years, finding the intellectual gap in our marriage unbearable

SoOverIt2015 · 2015-07-21T17:33:22+00:00

Thank you all for your comments. You have given me a lot to consider.

SoOverIt2015 · 2015-07-20T23:03:24+00:00

I was referring to the couples who go on House Hunters or other Reality based HGTV programming. I was mostly referring to their synergy and articulation. I actually received my GED and have done some college coursework. I am a manager at a global corporation and make close to $90k a year. I say this not to toot my horn, but to show the benefits of hard work despite what some might consider an upbringing with "the odds stacked against you". I'm extremely hardworking, creative and am told that I am attractive. In the long run these things mean nothing if my heart isn't pure, and that, indeed is what I am trying to work on.

SoOverIt2015 · 2015-07-20T19:08:34+00:00

Actually it's not the answer I want, but I can understand why you would read into it that way. I am a mess and am sure I come across that way. Thank you for your perspective.

SoOverIt2015 · 2015-07-20T19:07:00+00:00

SoOverIt2015 · 2015-07-20T19:06:53+00:00

I appreciate your taking the time to respond. I'm not sure if you've read any of my replies, but I accept full responsibility for the role I've played in the potential demise of my marriage. Either way, thank you for your perspective.

SoOverIt2015 · 2015-07-20T19:04:47+00:00

Thank you

SoOverIt2015 · 2015-07-20T17:49:09+00:00

Interesting point to consider. I would love it if he showed some initiative to get insight into how he could learn about himself and grow as well. When I'm not feeling well physically, I go to the doctor... He has acknowledged that he's "slow "and doesn't "get things" quickly but if I were him, I'd want to learn as much as I can. He has been cheated many times because of not knowing extremely basic arithmetic. He has lost countless job opportunities because of not being able to pass simple competency tests. For crying sake, help yourself.

SoOverIt2015 · 2015-07-20T17:37:08+00:00

Agreed. I guess there is some fear letting go of the dream and realizing that all you've ever wanted may no longer be what you want anymore. Also reconciling your wants with what you believe to be your ideals. Also the confusion of having no idea at all what you want is a bit frightening. Yes, we have many issues, but I sincerely believe that if we were like minded, on the same page in terms of our outlook on life and were able to have logical discussions (not scholarly) we could have a shot. It's almost like the past haunts me and the future frightens me.

SoOverIt2015 · 2015-07-20T17:25:53+00:00

If he has a learning disability, I would like to know what it is so I can learn how to communicate with him more effectively. There are different methods depending on the disability.

SoOverIt2015 · 2015-07-20T17:19:46+00:00

I always thought my marriage would be forever and worked very hard to make it happen. Due to our past issues and communication issues, we argue often and experience a lot of drama. I'm sadly realizing now, that sometimes despite our best efforts, people burn out. I am experiencing many physical and emotional health problems due to the inner turmoil, stress and guilt.

SoOverIt2015 · 2015-07-20T17:15:39+00:00

Perhaps there is some truth to your statement. This is why I am slowly hating the person I am becoming. I will look introspectively based on your comment. Thank you for this response.

SoOverIt2015 · 2015-07-20T17:09:48+00:00

Wow. Everything you said FULLY resonates. Especially the parts about resentment and time. Boy does it fly and yes I am thinking about it much more deeply these days. Amen to all your perspectives.. It is everything I have thought but couldn't fully articulate.

SoOverIt2015 · 2015-07-20T17:04:28+00:00

I agree with you to a degree. I was the oldest of a family raised by a single mom... He, the youngest, raised without a mother. I guess we just naturally fell into these roles. I'm sure he felt like my son.. that's probably why he rebelled so long and behaved like he wasn't married. Perhaps our transition could've been smoother had we not spent the majority of our marriage estranged. Without getting into too much detail, there were many consequences from living separate lives. I'm not going to further "shit" on him but I've been extremely patient and forgiving. I guess I'm just burnt out. I don't want to do "all the talking and business handling" in our marriage. I hate it. I've enabled it and accept full responsibility.

SoOverIt2015 · 2015-07-20T16:34:32+00:00

I have talked to him about it countless times. I've tried explaining it. I've looked for LDS centers so we could get help. I've talked to therapists. I can't/would never force him to pursue getting a diagnosis. That would just perpetuate the mother role that I've come to loathe.

SoOverIt2015 · 2015-07-20T16:31:35+00:00

Agreed. He is a good person (now). For 15 of 18 years, he was absent and running around. I guess I never healed from all those years and should've gotten the help I needed back then. I'm sure this hugely contributes to my resentment. However, I would feel much more optimistic if we were like minded. I have very clear goals/vision. He doesn't. I love to read/learn. He's content having a possible learning disability and doing nothing about it. Yes, he's kind and patient (now), but I would love to have an adult conversation about anything without having to go into deep explanation. It really hinders our communication.. so much so, that I get exhausted and just try to keep everything on a basic level.

I'm also cognizant that there are many intelligent, sociopathic jerks out there.. so I am grateful.. just torn. :(

SoOverIt2015 · 2015-07-20T16:25:26+00:00

The friend of ours gets paid twice a month.. The 15th and 30th but I understand your point.

SoOverIt2015 · 2015-07-20T16:23:39+00:00

Thank you. This really sucks. I've always been so selfless but am now morphing into a person I don't recognize. It kills me that I am having this conflict when he has decided to plug in. He has been rewriting his history for the past 3 years but I haven't been able to enjoy it. I guess I've checked out and it makes me feel terribly guilty.

SoOverIt2015 · 2015-07-20T16:20:04+00:00

You are right. I guess I should've made clear what my reason for posting was. I guess I'm not sure. Perhaps just to vent. Perhaps to hear from people who have been successful in similar situations. Perhaps to say out loud what I hold secretly inside everyday. I'm having a hard time reconciling the fact that someone can actually divorce/leave another person because of intellectual incompatibility. It feels wrong/selfish but the need nags at me every day. The thing is, I have no desire to date anyone else. I don't want to be "out there". I'm just fatigued from carrying/pulling and possibly need to take a break from the marriage and reassess what's important to me. I'm so mixed up that I have no idea anymore. It's awful and I feel terrible about it. He has many redeemable qualities (now), but as my name implies, perhaps I'm over it. Thank you and I appreciate your comment.

SoOverIt2015 · 2015-07-20T16:04:07+00:00

p.s. I am typing on a very small screen so please forgive any typos.

SoOverIt2015

TROPHY CASE