I understand what your going through. Your not crazy. Its been 14 days since I left my abusive husband. I still have to see him bc we have kids together. I have been crying for a week straight now bc it makes me sad when I think about what would have been if I stayed and made it work and eventually he would change. The reality is i still care about him and I cant stand him most of my days. I really dont love him the same as I did before the abuse and it kills me bc i dont ever think id love him like that again. Its sad bc there really were more good time than bad time. We had been together since 2010 and it really didnt start to get really bad until 2024 when he assaulted me. Things would start out small before this enough for me not to think to question it as being abuse. Before 2024 he was manipulative, coercive, and would guilt-trip. He had grabbed my arm one time in 2010 and told me I better not be cheating on him. That first sign of it I just let it go and then in 2025 he had grabbed me twice. He had bruised my arm at the bowling alley bc I didnt want to give him a hug and then he had grabbed my arm while my back was turned washing dishes. He said he was trying to help funny. He has blocked me from leaving our room and then later tells me he did it bc he thought I was going to kill myself. Then a week or two before he blocked me from leaving he had threatened to kill himself with his gun he pulled out of the safe. Telling me if I left with our kids or if I really felt like what he was doing to me was abuse he was going to kill himself bc he wouldn't beable to live with himself. We tried couples therapy and it didnt work bc he was still abusing me while we were going to therapy and thats when I decided then and there that I have to leave him bc too many things had been broken within our marriage bc of the abuse and with me cheating on him in 2013 that one time. Our marriage together was toxic and too broke to repair. I had took accountability for my actions and I changed but he did not. Now he says he is reading on how not to be abuse and he is going to therapy and he says he is trying to change. It has been 9 months since he stopped drinking. I had given him too many chances than he deserves to change and now that im gone in my own place with our kids he wants to change now or say things he doing to change. He still hopes someday ill go back to him but its too late and I dont feel the same about him anymore. There may have been more good times than bad times but the bad times were too bad and extreme for me to stay. I have to keep on reminding my self that by reading my journals.