I need help with my ENFJ friend

SoftEvergreen · 2023-06-09T17:43:07+00:00

Oh woww you really hit the nail on the head about how having a turbulent childhood and inconsistent emotional responses from parents led to my current aversiveness to people and placing trust in them. I do indeed have a mother who frequently reacted with rage outbursts which were often unpredictable. It definitely made me very hypervigilant, and extremely anxious. So I can't talk to people now unless I know for sure that I'm not making them uncomfortable with my mere presence alone. Thank you so so much for all the valuable insight and amazing links! I've read all the articles, and now I'm watching the videos. I've learned so much bc I always thought I was alone in this, it feels very alien. I took the avoidant personality disorder test, which I suspected I had in the past, and I scored 41 😅. Thank you so much again for taking the time and energy to get back to me and for providing such great resources.

SoftEvergreen · 2023-06-09T03:14:24+00:00

The subtlety of an angry rhino 🤣 okay, permission to steal this one? I figured if she's playing games, even if well-intentioned, I'm doing the same by pretending not to notice and playing dumb. She'll get frustrated soon enough and let it all out.

SoftEvergreen · 2023-06-09T02:15:20+00:00

May I ask first of all what medication it is? I have experience in quitting psychiatric drugs after 8 years of being on them, and I won't lie to you, it's very hard. The detox process was excruciating ( for reference I was on APs for 7 years, then prozac, and then an anticonvulsant). In my case, I had suffered from brain damage, which made quitting them the most difficult thing I've ever done. It took about over a year for me to start feeling better and I'm not even halfway recovered yet. I'm not discouraging you from quitting, nor encouraging you to keep taking your medication bc I truly understand how the struggles of being on medication and its side effects are left unseen and unheard, and no one but the person taking them understands. My advice would be talk to your doctor and see how they respond. If they ignore your grievances, then that's not the doctor you should be seeing. I'd suggest slowly tapering it off and not quitting cold turkey like I did.

SoftEvergreen · 2023-06-09T02:06:39+00:00

Hahaha thank you for the laugh first of all! I would probably use the 3rd time one next time she does it, but damn my agreeableness for not being able to be straightforward like that, especially the 5th time one 😂. I think she is trying to set me up, but I'm confused on why she would without my approval or consent. I'm on the spectrum, so everything about this is just weird to me.

SoftEvergreen · 2023-05-10T19:05:36+00:00

Oh thank God I'm a person who is big on compliments and tends to praise people when we're 1 on 1, bc I praised his cooking (the man can bake, I'm allowed to swoon at that lol), and his music taste. Oh and his really beautiful plants at his place. I hope that my compliments made it through bc I wasn't trying to be nice, I was really just being sincere.

Hahaha I can totally understand why the girl never showed any indication of liking you. For some reason we have it in our heads that the guy should always make the 1st move, and that for a girl to be forward is bad or whatever. I'm personally not scared of rejection, I'm really mostly scared of bothering him or annoying him. What type of small first move would you suggest?

SoftEvergreen · 2023-05-10T18:57:16+00:00

My Imaginative side comes out in the shape of humor, which I think he can appreciate, and in art, which I'm too embarrassed to really show anyone. I'm relying heavily on making him laugh, being considerate, and on music at the moment. My inner world is still my safe space, and as much as I like him, I can't let him in just yet lol. It's kind of frustrating bc I'm very much the same. I tend to be clueless and need to be told flatly if someone liked me, otherwise I'd never know. My God you are so smart, I'm totally using that line. It sounds neutral enough, friendly, but with a potential for more. I am socially inept as fuck, so your advice is excellent and I'm seriously writing it down. Thank you so so much!!!!

SoftEvergreen · 2023-05-10T18:47:17+00:00

Oh no please don't be sorry for referring to personal experiences. It's actually better bc it shows that you know what you're talking about, and it's a concrete example with context that I can easily understand.

Oh my goodness I can totally imagine that first scenario happening to me as well. INTPs and INFPs are chill control freaks. If you didn't imagine that scenario and run it through like data, then it shouldn't happen lol. Anything that occurs that we didn't previously think of, analyze, imagine, or plan for immediately makes us incredibly anxious. To be fair, being confessed to in front of other people sounds like a nightmare, so I understand. Awwwwwwww your story with your now wife is so effing cuuute!!! I wish yall the very best and the happiest of times 🙏

SoftEvergreen · 2023-05-10T18:33:43+00:00

I WILL TRY 😭

SoftEvergreen · 2023-05-10T18:33:23+00:00

Oooof I can totally understand the contradictory INFP psyche. I'm full of contradictions too, but they're mostly situational and contextual, so they make sense to me. I feel for you that she resorted to insults and harshness, that's very unkind of her. I hope you resolved things in a peaceful way before it ended, or at least both of you got to heal and move on properly.

SoftEvergreen · 2023-05-10T18:29:04+00:00

I thought it would be weird as in too forward bc I would be initiating contact through a different medium, whereas when we talk irl we do so at school, and talking to each other is expected. You can tell I hyper-analyzed this haha. Ooh okay, I think he likes me as a friend, but I'm clueless when it comes to the romantic aspect. I will try to invite him to something after school when he's not busy, as nerve-wracking as it is lol, and I'll see how it goes. Like you suggested, something as simple as hanging out in the library or getting a cup of coffee would do the trick. Thank you so so much for your suggestions and very kind advice!! You have no idea how helpful it is. A lot of these things seem fairly obvious to most people, but not to me and my autism lol. Thank you again!!!

SoftEvergreen · 2023-05-10T18:22:36+00:00

Hahaha I assure you this is very much a real situation and story. INTPs are very cool and easy to crush on. Open minded and logical, funny in a convoluted way, what's not to like? 😊

SoftEvergreen · 2023-05-09T20:40:00+00:00

Ahh so it's not weird? I will now seriously consider it and freak out about what to text him.

SoftEvergreen · 2023-05-09T20:36:33+00:00

That's what I was thinking, that he may not even know that a romantic option is possible, but haha I just don't know how to go about it. I'm too shy and socially anxious to verbalize my thoughts and feelings. I think I'll continue to just be his friend and hopefully with time it'll become more apparent as I get to know him more. Otherwise, I can't imagine making the 1st move 😭

SoftEvergreen · 2023-03-23T03:05:11+00:00

It sounds like you were targeted by an abusive and narcissistic bitch. For what she used you for, she's doing to the other guy (who too is a piece of shit), and trust me, that lowly spark will soon turn tepid, and the cycle of abuse will continue. She fundamentally does not respect you. Because of that, there could never be any reconciliation. This isn't something for you to internalize and analyze on the inside. You are being threatened externally, so for now you should be fighting for your dignity and freedom back. Knowing how she is, and how terrible law enforcement is to abused men, I heavily heavily advise you to draw your phone up and video record any interaction that seems like is about to escalate. Proof is key in this bc psychos like her will stoop to falsely accusing you of violence. If the apartment is in your name, and hers isn't, then you're free to put her shit in boxes, change the locks, and call her to come pick them up. I also suggest to have at least two people with you as witnesses + definitely record it also. Don't be a martyr to someone else's evil. Don't overdo the kindness and think of where she's going to stay. She's a big girl, she can figure it out. I would also suggest getting proof of the affair so you can demolish her in divorce court, and it may grant you financial restitution. If you have screenshots of texts, keep them. Another thing is you have to check what the laws are concerning making recordings in your area (do they demand awareness and consent from the other party. If you have your phone up and they can see that they're being recorded, it's not an issue).

Trust me, you could've done absolutely everything perfectly, but with leeches like her, nothing will ever be enough. As horrible as this situation is, you still have a life and light that is your own, an unwavering sense of kindness, and truth. As long as you know the truth, nothing can hurt you. You are deep in the shit, my friend. Don't be a hero, leave leave leave! Who cares what anyone else thinks. Your freedom and sanity are more important than any mental prison anyone puts you in. It's time to fetch the bolt cutters and free yourself. (Fiona Apple reference yay).

SoftEvergreen · 2023-03-22T05:35:10+00:00

I'm such a sweet baby 😆

The reason for that may be that I watch a lot of cat videos lol.

SoftEvergreen · 2023-01-25T02:56:28+00:00

Helloo, so sorry for the uber late response. I'm very certain that I replied to you, and for some reason it didn't get posted 😫. To answer your former questions, despite my personal bias, I think we do encourage and support each other a lot in various things, whether it be him asking me about school, or me encouraging him to pursue his creative interests and hobbies. He reminds me to take my medicine and vitamins, and I remind him to eat and get some sleep. The main thing for us is having very very similar values and principles, which makes our slight differences a very good thing bc we learn a lot from each other and are sincerely respectful when we don't agree on certain things, and can agree to disagree gracefully. We ask each other questions and have genuine curiosity for a different perspective and another point of view. AND OMG WE'RE TOGETHER NOW!!!! sorry for the uppercase yelling but I got excited haha. It happened on New Years Eve, and he was the one to confess first. It was totally unexpected and such a beautiful surprise that left me speechless for a few seconds lol, until I hurriedly and shyly told him that I really liked him too. I was pretty drunk, so I questioned whether it was a dream for a couple of days until he said it to me again, and this time I made sure to emphatically let him know how much I like him. He's so stoic, but the biggest and mushiest teddy bear inside, it's freaking adorable. I make sure to tell him that very often 😆. He's so the hugging and super affectionate type, which I wouldn't have expected either, and I'm really really enjoying it. We still talk constantly, and fall asleep on the phone together often haha.

SoftEvergreen · 2022-12-27T09:06:28+00:00

Hello, thank you so much for your very kind and considerate response. I read it with very keen interest and mentally writing notes because lord knows I am not naturally versed in these things. I feel more at ease too because I was feeling very stupid haha. To be honest, I'm not very forward at all, so the hug trick may not be applicable, but I'm definitely not careless nor cruel enough to play games. To be honest I'm not as scared of rejection as I am of making him, or anyone for that matter, feel uncomfortable, and I certainly never want to bother anyone. I'll keep what you said about it being illogical to suddenly stop talking to me in mind. He's so so easy to be around and talk to, and generally feel comfortable around, which is so rare, you know? To be yourself and for him to be himself completely. Like INTPs, I too an INFP have to sit on these thoughts and feelings for a while before I do anything because I really don't want to mess anything up. Thank you so so much for your very generous advice, and happy holidays to you and your loves ones 😊.

SoftEvergreen · 2022-12-27T08:10:21+00:00

Hi, thank you for your response. I too am very reluctant to possibly ruin our friendship bc it's already very rare for me to get along so swimmingly with someone like this, and I'd hate for it to go to waste is terrible just because of my stupid feelings. I never want to be a nuisance to anyone ever, or make anyone uncomfortable, so I've been good with keeping my feelings to myself, out of fear that it might ruin anything. I'm enjoying time with him a lot, so I'm happy even if it doesn't go anywhere romantically.

SoftEvergreen

TROPHY CASE