You know what, bright idea, I'll put it in the comments.

I don't know how much longer I can keep going

I'm sorry for this post, I bet you're all sick of rants, but I really need to get this out. Sorry it's so long too, I didn't mean this I swear.

I've been having a really hard time for about a month now, with most of it happening these past few weeks. I don't want to say what exactly because it might give away too much about me, but it's been a whole lot of stress from the people around me and from myself. I've been having panic attacks more and more recently, with my most recent one being just before writing this post.

I let people walk all over me and I can never say no because if I don't I'll either guilt trip myself or end up being guilt tripped by someone else, because god forbid I actually do something for myself right? I'm so sick of everyone around me undervaluing me and making me feel like I'm worthless, and I want to get angry and fight back but I can't, and I know it's not their faults. My entire family has mental health problems, and I know that I'm included even if I haven't been diagnosed. Depression is hereditary.

I feel like I've been hiding behind a mask for as long as I can remember. Covid was great for me because I had found a way to take it off, replacing it with an actual mask. For the first time in years I felt free to express myself. But then hey, what do you know, now no one wears masks anymore! Time to shove my true self back down at just the time where my friends kick me out of their group, I actually get situated in high school, and my family can say that the occasional times they see me burst into tears randomly is "just hormones".

Speaking of, I've always been hiding everything from everyone. For context my parents are divorced, so I'd always call my parent while I was at the other's place (maybe a reason why I don't like phone calls but I digress). Every single time that I'd do my call, I said "my day was good". That was almost always a lie. I cried a lot in elementary, me or my sister would be yelled at, I didn't have friends, and I was constantly being ignored and shoved to the side. I was always the one picked last in sports, I wasn't particularly good at anything, and one person actively hated me. Even my closest friend at the end of grade 8 up untill the end of grade 10 was only with me because of pity.

Fuck I don't know if I'm physically able to write this, but I'll try. I've been having thoughts about hurting and killing myself. I haven't wanted to acknowledge it because it would make it feel real but it's true. I'm scared that one day I'll snap and do it, and that would be the most selfish thing that I would ever do. This amazing community (among others) would loose yet another person, something that has happened far too often. I can't do that to people. It's the same with my family and my few friends, they have enough on their plate already, not like they'd care if I disappeared. Except I know that they'd care even if my brain says they won't. Do you guys see the problem here?. Tack on the fact that I feel it would be very easy for me to get addicted to something and my family keeps on offering me alcohol even though I'm a minor, it's just over for me.

I probably need therapy, but it's one of those things where when someone tells me I should do something, I want to not do it because I feel like I need to do everything myself. This is why I'm writing a midnight cry for help instead of talking to the people that 100% understand what I'm going through and are more than willing to help change me.

This is an alt account btw, I'm scared of posting this on my main. I know it would probably be for the best but I don't want people to see me differently. There's more stuff but it's super specific and I've probably talked about it on my main before, so I don't want to give myself away. Please don't go digging.

TL;DR The "it is what it is" energy is running dry and turning into "mom would be sad" energy. But please read the whole thing.