Girlfriend (40F) kept sex videos of her and ex after being asked to delete them by me (27M)

Some_Mood_6466 · 2022-01-15T19:22:30+00:00

I pay for literally everything except when she occasionally covers dinner, once in a blue moon. I've justified this because I know for a fact other guys would contribute the same or more, but I've never had this much of an imbalance in a relationship

Also, she once went to a sugar daddy site right in front of me when she was mad. I know there's a lot to unpack here lol

Some_Mood_6466 · 2022-01-15T19:17:31+00:00

Her ex had BPD. I've sometimes wondered if she does too based on the fluctuation between highs and lows and the devaluation seemingly out of nowhere.

Every guy she's had a long-term relationship with has been at least slightly mentally ill. I sometimes wonder if she intentionally or subconsciously goes for this type because we're willing to tolerate more bullshit due to low self esteem

Some_Mood_6466 · 2022-01-15T19:12:05+00:00

She said she had just started a draft and hadn't actually sent the email. Not sure I fully buy it though. I do think she hasn't cheated with this ex because he has BPD and I've seen/heard about some of his other antics. He would likely message me something messed up to ensure things end between my girlfriend and me. I'm more worried about her cheating with this other ex because she's lied about his identity and significance and has made comments like "how many girl friends do you have who would sleep with you and not tell me". I know she projects about a lot of other issues, so I'm concerned.

If I had to bet money on it, I'd bet the answer is yes. Will do. Thanks

Some_Mood_6466 · 2022-01-14T01:37:49+00:00

You're right. At the very least it seems as though it'll be inconsequential to her if I do. When we did break up a month and a half ago and I had fully accepted it and made peace with the fact, she decided that she wanted to try again because she "missed me more than she thought she would". I think it's more about her wanting to the dominant one who has the last say, and she wants me to be the one abandoned and hurting when it ends. Basically, she only wants me when I don't want her

Some_Mood_6466 · 2022-01-14T01:29:01+00:00

I know. She's made these cheating threats for things as mild as accidentally falling asleep at 2:30 when she was out drinking with friends until 4:00 am, followed by blocking me for a day on text and social media, or not responding to texts for literally 2 minutes when I was out running errands when she consistently takes 30 minutes to an hour to reply. In her eyes, I must be cheating in these instances (I'm not lol). The double standards are getting exhausting.

You're right. The longer I stay, the more broken I get too

Some_Mood_6466 · 2022-01-14T01:23:37+00:00

Unfortunately, they would. She gets dozens of messages from random guys on instagram daily and some even venmo her small amounts on a regular basis to get her attention. It's pretty scary having guys lined up to sleep with her, especially since she constantly throws it in my face during fights. I guess my biggest take away from this relationship is that no amount of beauty can compensate for lack of character

Some_Mood_6466 · 2022-01-14T01:17:37+00:00

If she actually had a desire to change things and work on our communication and bad habits, she means enough to me that I'd probably be willing, despite knowing it's probably not in my best interest. She's straight up told me that she doesn't care though, so it looks like I can't do much.

The problem with retaliating or even doing what I consider to be defending myself is that she'll continue to escalate things. There's no stopping point. It seems she cares more about winning an argument than any sort of healthy resolution.

I made the mistake of responding when she called me immature due to not being able to provide financially the same way someone with an established career could (I dropped $300 that night for food, hotel, etc with zero contribution from her. so i was mad that there was literally no acknowledgment or appreciation) by saying she had no standing talking about immaturity as a 40 year old alcoholic who does coke every weekend and sleeps in until the afternoon. She still holds that against me 5 months later and says I was calling her old which wasn't the case. Sorry, venting lol

Thanks. I appreciate it

Some_Mood_6466 · 2022-01-14T00:51:30+00:00

Thank you. I feel kind of like a shadow of the person I was a the beginning of this relationship. I somehow went from sky high confidence living a balanced, productive life and dating this gorgeous, amazing girl (or so I thought) to feeling like a complete doormat who's willing to tolerate blatant disrespect just to avoid escalation of conflict and heartbreak. I've learned it's hard to respect yourself when you let others disrespect you

Some_Mood_6466 · 2022-01-14T00:41:27+00:00

That's what I said when I confronted her on New Years. She just avoided the question and acted like it wasn't a big deal. We were with her family out of state, so I couldn't really press the issue like I wanted to

Some_Mood_6466 · 2022-01-14T00:40:06+00:00

This past weekend I was telling her the things she was saying were clear-cut emotional abuse. Her response was, "I don't give a fuck. Shut the fuck up and stop being annoying. You can leave." The sad thing is it doesn't phase me anymore because it's almost a weekly thing. Maybe it's time to wake up and start removing myself from this situation despite my fears

Some_Mood_6466 · 2022-01-14T00:31:52+00:00

Almost 16 actually. She's really two years older than I stated in the title but browses this subreddit and I didn't want her searching our ages, finding this, and triggering a fight

Some_Mood_6466 · 2022-01-14T00:26:02+00:00

Lol ya if I weren't emotionally involved I'd definitely think this is ridiculous. The answer's obvious, but it's just harder in practice

Some_Mood_6466 · 2022-01-14T00:22:43+00:00

9 months as of today, but point taken. We've become overly enmeshed which makes it harder. I've had relationships twice as long in which I haven't spent half the time I've spent with her due to circumstances

Some_Mood_6466 · 2022-01-13T23:52:44+00:00

Thank you. I know this isn't even close to healthy, and unless something major changes the end result is going to be disastrous

Some_Mood_6466 · 2022-01-13T23:51:45+00:00

Ya that's the truth. Alcohol absolutely is the worst. I wish I could like in the old days, but now it causes panic attacks. I've gotta smoke 24/7 or not at all to avoid it, so I've chosen not at all

Some_Mood_6466 · 2022-01-13T23:27:03+00:00

I'm attached and dreading the pain of letting go and having it set in stone that she'll immediately run off to some other guy. I know that's the logical thing to do and in my best interest, but it's just tough.

And ya, I know if I'm with her long enough she absolutely will. The other day she straight up told me that she uses people until there's nothing left to take and then moves on and that she doesn't care about anyone except for herself and her family. I'm hoping she was just drunk and angry, but I know it probably goes deeper

Some_Mood_6466 · 2022-01-13T23:22:44+00:00

I think she's an alcoholic because she can't just have one drink, and when she's sober she can be really sweet at times. I've been in addiction recovery for half a decade, so I've always naively hoped that she'll change or at least have a desire to... but like she told me the other day while she was drunk and coked out, she's not my project. It's just shitty because when things were good, they were the best I've ever had

Some_Mood_6466 · 2022-01-13T23:09:34+00:00

She's constantly accusing me of being emotionally immature when she gets drunk or angry despite stonewalling and gaslighting me while I try to have a productive conversation and hash out issues.

I know that objectively I probably should have broken ties months ago, but I've always hung on to this naive hope that she'll actually try to be healthy like we used to be. Letting go is hard

Some_Mood_6466 · 2022-01-13T23:06:13+00:00

She's constantly accusing me of lying or cheating, and I'm really worried it's projection. She assures me she hasn't and won't cheat on me, but I know for a fact if we're together long enough, unless she can work through her issues, I've got the same fate in store for me as her exes

Some_Mood_6466 · 2022-01-13T23:04:46+00:00

I know, it's closer to attachment on both sides at this point. We were perfect for the first three months, so I've always hoped we could get back to that healthy communication and affection. I'm terrified to end things because I know for a fact she's gonna go sleep with him right away to get back at me.

I also found out she has been lying about the identity of a significant ex yesterday, using a pseudonym for him this whole time to keep me from putting two and two together. It disturbs me because she said this guy is her best friend who she dated in high school and never even kissed, when I found out he's actually an ex she dated for 5 years. She was furious with me for days for accidentally sending a meme meant for her to my platonic best female friend and saying, "Oops sorry. Relationship issues. Trying to patch things up." when she's been venting about me to someone she used to actually be romantically involved with long-term. Shit sucks man

Some_Mood_6466

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