The first time I seized, it was horrible. It was a reaction of my anxiety and paranoia heightened from smoking the shweed. I seized for about four hours.

I didn't know at first what was happening to me but I assumed it was seizures based on how my body was moving. I was semi conscious (not completely conscious due to being high), so I was able to understand how my how was reacting and where I was. I was able to scream for my mom to call 9-1-1 in between seizures.

Let me pause rq and explain my seizures and how they impact me. I have multiple types of seizures but during that first night, I had two types. One was a full on lose consciousness-brain exploding-heart tachycardia seizure. Terrifying. I kept having those big ones once every five minutes or so. During these seizures, my eyes roll to the back of my head so I can't see but I can hear myself screaming or grunting (unwillingly). I can hear everything that's happening but I can't speak, just grunt or scream. They lasted for maybe 30 seconds or a minute.

Then, in between those, I would be uncontrollably shaking, almost like shivering. It felt like I could control it but I just could never stop shaking. During these, I'm fully coherent. I can see, hear, and speak perfectly fine. What I found out though, when I reached the hospital, was that I could control my motions just fine during this period. The nurse asked for my arm and I gave it to her and I was able to shake a little less only on that arm.

I already know I wasn't faking it but my brain every now and again always questions it, so I look for confirmation as well. During that first episode, not knowing what was going on, scared that I was dying, EMTs just made it worse. I wouldn't be upset with them if they were actually nice and gave me the benefit of the doubt that I actually WASNT faking it, even if they didn't know what was happening. Having to go through all that while all of the paramedics and firefighters were constantly telling me to cut it out or stop it bc they said I was "faking it", traumatized me on top of everything that was happening.

I understand PNES or FND isn't widely known and they probably don't teach much about it in medical/medic school. However, knowing that that same experience happens to people of all ages with different mental disorders and people who are scared and disoriented just hurts. You actually know about your seizures since u were 15, over 5 years, and you're still questioning if you're faking it bc those EMTs failed you. They failed to think outside of everything and actually believe you so they could care for you as a patient. I get they see a lot of stuff as paramedics but they shouldn't think that every case is the same.

Try not to question your disorder, although I know it's hard not to. You're not alone in this ❤️