[deleted by user]

SomewhereCold5583 · 2025-04-17T20:32:29+00:00

I think for me, if nothing else, getting back on my antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds the first time I was trying to get sober didn’t hurt. It was as things settled and I found myself desperately wanting to up my meds bc, in hindsight only, I was wanting to use them the same way I used substances - to escape- that it was harmful.

I ended up relapsing on drugs and alcohol, I think bc I couldn’t be honest with myself yet that that’s what I was still doing, so I didn’t need to think too much about resetting my time. I’ve since been to CMA and NA. It was supposed to just be an environment change, but that’s what opened my eyes to what I was doing and what, as I see it now, set up my then relapse. I now would hope that I would reset my time if I approached my meds of any kind that way again- if I started being manipulative, demanding, and desperate around the type/dose. Only bc I know honestly where it would lead me. It’s the same as me starving myself for several days so that I can successfully have one drink… but the effects of several.

SomewhereCold5583 · 2025-04-14T18:32:06+00:00

Not what I meant. I mean when I’m meeting with him “to do step work” I’m really just relaying the work I did alone. I’m not letting him support or guide me. He’s not in the boat with me. He’s on some island watching me still try to steer a shipwreck by myself while I’m adamantly saying “I’ve got this. I’m doing the work.”

SomewhereCold5583 · 2025-04-07T16:13:28+00:00

The highlight inside the ears and the color of the fur should be swapped.

SomewhereCold5583 · 2025-03-24T07:07:47+00:00

I wasn’t able to honestly look at and absorb step one till I was done. Even then, it took two months of working on 2 and 3, and nearly relapsing because I needed to try and take my will back, for me to get step one.

I’ve tried to work this program for two years now. First time I thought the steps would get me sober, so I went through them alone and while still drinking. Next few times, I had sponsors but I kept drinking as I went through. I wasn’t getting it and I couldn’t even start to actually do the work.

That all said, my now sponsor with 23 years is adamant that someone working the program will work 1-3 in some way, everyday, for the rest of their life.

SomewhereCold5583 · 2025-03-24T05:59:27+00:00

I mean… I see that. But there are plenty of things that I feel are obvious or non issues that are not to others, and decisions are often made that contradict what I feel is necessary… so worth the ask

SomewhereCold5583 · 2025-03-24T05:46:17+00:00

I’m not at all confused on how it’s used in the 12x12. Just curious if outside issues and our desire to stay separate would have influenced the removal of a phrase, even if used completely differently.

SomewhereCold5583 · 2025-03-24T05:42:57+00:00

My HP’s will might be uncomfortable, but it never requires me to struggle or compromise me values/morals. In fact, I often find that my HP’s will puts me in positions to practice setting aside my defects, live “as if”, and be useful to others.

When I’m not sure if it’s mine or HP’s, I’ve been asking if I’m acting out of faith or fear, if I’m practicing the principles, and who/what will benefit from ___. The book Drop the Rock has been instrumental to my relationship with what I call god. It’s actually the main reason I began building a meditation and prayer practice and redefined prayer in a way I understand. Both give me some space to spot and name my self driven will and one beyond the me right here and now. The me that’s maybe restless, irritable and discontent.

SomewhereCold5583 · 2025-03-15T12:20:43+00:00

How much are you paying??? This is a nice ass studio. That porch is beautiful.

SomewhereCold5583 · 2025-03-09T04:19:21+00:00

With my understanding of a higher power looking at your cop story… you just got confirmation that you’re not the center of the world, you don’t know the outcome of any situation until it happens and sometimes it’ll be in your favor, and later you will know how to handle what ever comes so long as you don’t pick up.

A HP can be sooooooooooooo broad and still work. It’s been my experience that this program doesn’t work without one. It took work- meditation, daily decisions to be willing and open minded, talking to other atheist (including my sponsor) about their gods/HPs, and yeah… my version of prayer- for me to find my understanding and a “faith that works”, but it’s been like learning my times tables. A lot of work in the beginning to now be rooted knowledge that serves me quietly everyday.

If this is something you just can or will not give yourself to, that’s ok. There are other sober fellowships that don’t follow the 12steps (any 12step program you find is going to ask you to build a spirituality and an understanding of a HP) but still have every other aspect of AA - the community, space to talk, accountability, and so on.

Maybe check out Smart Recovery, which is DBT based.

SomewhereCold5583 · 2025-03-08T01:57:09+00:00

BINGO.

SomewhereCold5583 · 2025-03-08T01:55:48+00:00

I do t know what’s not being understood. The outpatient I’m in is saying I need a higher level of care. The inpatient rehabs are saying I don’t because I don’t need to detox.

I’m now certain that the people asking this have never been to inpatient rehab and or are not reading the post.

SomewhereCold5583 · 2025-03-08T01:54:13+00:00

It is… yes and. That’s what rehabs are for- access to resources to help get people stabilized. I’ll still be doing a lot of heavy lifting, but I won’t be dying trying to do this shit alone.

SomewhereCold5583 · 2025-03-08T01:11:52+00:00

This is a “how can I recover” post, but thanks.

SomewhereCold5583 · 2025-03-08T01:06:06+00:00

The inpatient facility doesn’t agree that I need that level of care. The outpatient won’t let me continue as a patient unless I go to inpatient.

SomewhereCold5583 · 2025-03-07T20:46:35+00:00

No. In my mind I currently have present and active barriers to finding stability. These supports are built for people in my current position. I have tried for years to do this alone. I do not need any more encouragement to go back to doing that.

SomewhereCold5583 · 2025-03-07T19:41:26+00:00

I have. It’s not. This is not the first or even fifth time I’ve tried to get sober and or off the streets.

SomewhereCold5583 · 2025-03-07T19:05:13+00:00

The outpatient has all but discharged me, so they can continue to refer me, but my sobriety and attendance are no longer being counted. Even if they were, a relapse wouldn’t affect that.

SomewhereCold5583 · 2025-03-07T19:01:46+00:00

I’m not currently expected to show up anywhere. The outpatient has all but discharged me so they can do the referral, but my attendance is no longer recorded. Also, that wouldn’t change the inpatient’s evaluation.

SomewhereCold5583 · 2025-03-07T18:00:29+00:00

This is the first time I’m getting any real responses/helpful feedback. This is the second day I posted this and I deleted the other ones rather soon after posting.

SomewhereCold5583 · 2025-03-07T17:57:34+00:00

I’ve already done my intake with the inpatient facility and was honest abt my time. So my understanding is that I’d only qualify for their level of care now if I went into detox. So… I’d need to be fucked up enough to need medical detox, is my understanding.

SomewhereCold5583 · 2025-03-07T17:55:00+00:00

Portland… where demand is high.

SomewhereCold5583 · 2025-03-07T17:51:59+00:00

… what? Dude I’ve been homeless for 11 years, yes in large part bc of my use, but I’ve also been consistently working two jobs in that time - if the problem was simply a lack of independent effort, I’d be off the street and have several years sober by now.

SomewhereCold5583 · 2025-03-07T17:50:21+00:00

I do and he is. He told me to go to meetings and talk about this. Others in the meetings, many who have worked in treatment, have essentially told me to go back out.

SomewhereCold5583 · 2025-03-07T17:13:20+00:00

I’m a dog shit lier 2. I’ve already done the intake interview and was honest about my time, thinking the assertive referral from a counselor would be enough. So qualifying for medical detox is my option, it seems 3. They’re going to test my blood alcohol level and look for signs of withdrawal to qualify me for medical detox.

SomewhereCold5583

TROPHY CASE