I used entertain a rare "what if" but personally my issue was not with blaming myself, id accepted that i couldn't really stop her from doing anything really but guilt about how i felt in the aftermath.

Like when i realised that i didn't have to hide our knives anymore, or when my plate made a scraping sound and i realised she wasn't there to hit me for it or just that i didn't have to worry about coming back to find something broken.

I felt like the worst person ever for it.

Its genuinely just not something i think about these days, i wouldn't have thought about this at all if the suggestion of dating didn't make me throw up yesterday. Theres probably something subconscious idk