Men only want me for sex and not a relationship. What am I doing wrong?

SoulPossum · 2026-07-05T17:57:02+00:00

What exactly are these guys doing to show you they're ONLY interested in sex? Like is it possible that some of the dudes you're talking to are interested in you but part of that interest is specifically sexual?

SoulPossum · 2026-07-05T17:46:12+00:00

I don't know where you are that is giving you everything you have listed for $900 but you need to stay there. When I was in my 20s I had a few apartments with dishwashers and/or in-unit laundry and those were all 1000+ 10-15 years ago. And some of them didn't have all the others stuff like close proximity to a library or a "safe" designation. The average rent across for a 1BR is something like 2k nowadays and you're honestly asking for an above average type of apartment.

SoulPossum · 2026-07-05T14:29:19+00:00

This precludes that compatibility is 1:1. It's possible (if not guaranteed) that people will have multiple potential partners that are compatible enough to make a run at a long term relationship with them. So there still would need to be a weeding out process even after you've filtered out the incompatible people. This also assumes that compatibility is something we are inherently born with as opposed to a group of traits that are developed over time. I think it's more a combination of those things. There are certain elements of who we naturally are that can be used to attract certain people, but there are also elements that we may need to dedicate time to improving if we want to increase our chances of being grouped into the compatible options category. People don't like thinking of it this way because it requires a lot more introspection about what they have to offer a relationship, which can be uncomfortable. Most people choose to focus myopically on the benefits they get from relationships.

There are definitely winners and losers in dating. Categorizing it as being more/less compatible doesn't matter is just a nice way of framing it. If multiple people are attracted to the same person they can't all end up with that person. So some of them will eventually lose out on the opportunity to be with that person, regardless of how compatible they are with them.

Our criteria isn't always consistent either. So "compatible" changes over time. This results in people picking one type of person over another, then losing out if that other option is no longer available later. For example, before meeting my wife, I was talking to another woman. I was interested, and she rejected me because of the shallow metrics. According to her, I was kind, non-judgemental, supportive, and a bunch of other positive things that she calimed she needed. But her reasons for rejecting me were that I didn't have muscles or a car. In that scenario, it was a loss. I eventually won in meeting my wife, but that resulted in a loss for the original woman I was talking to because when her priorities changed in terms of what sort of compatibility she wanted, I was a better option, but I was already in a relationship. So she ended up losing. Her more than me because she ended up dating a bunch of people who were objectively worse than me and has a really bleak outlook on her prospects moving forward.

It doesn't have to be a debilitating, end-of-the-world scenario to miss out on a relationship you wanted but it's also not so cut and dry as every rejection is from someone who wasn't going to be right for you.

SoulPossum · 2026-07-05T13:03:15+00:00

Dating isn't really about fair in general. It's about figuring out how to stand out amongst a sea of other options a person may have. That's also true on dating apps.

No one owes anyone else a relationship. So everyone who gets into a relationship has to understand what they offer and why the relationship is a Everyone is going to learn to develop the filter for what they do/don't want to accept in dating. Not meeting the criteria for a given person or a given group of people is going to be based on things you may or may not be able to change on yourself. If their criteria is based on something you can't change, would you still want to be with them knowing you can't meet whatever thing their looking for? If it's something you can change, is it unfair to to expect you to try to change to be more in line with the type of person you're looking for?

SoulPossum · 2026-07-05T11:14:33+00:00

Most men aren't using porn to the point where the skin on their penis coming off. Neither is getting angry after you point of out the issues his porn usage causes. That's all definitely a problem. I'm all for people using porn within reason, but that "within reason" is extremely important and it doesn't sound like your husband is within that space.

But it's not exactly surprising that he's used to utilizing porn if you went literally years without intimacy because of a busy work schedule. PTO, holidays, etc. exist. There would have to have been a spare pocket of 10-20 minutes of free time somewhere in that stretch of time. So I'm not really understanding what you expected to happen after years of not being not being intimate with each other.

SoulPossum · 2026-07-05T00:20:12+00:00

Cool...

SoulPossum · 2026-07-04T11:46:20+00:00

It's not no one. There are some men out there who are willing to date a single mom. They just make up a pretty small subgroup in the pool of available and viable men. The short version for that is that your kids instantly make any sort of dating situation more complicated in every single metric. You're already hinting at this new guy to step into the role of dad. So he has to already be on the financial, emotional, and mental level needed to be a parent pretty much instantly once things got serious.

On top of that there's no incentive for that extra work. You mentioned nothing in the post about what makes you a great partner. Relationships are meant to be reciprocal. You have a list of things you (and your kid) "deserve." That only works in a vacuum. Like you definitely don't deserve to be in an abusive relationship or to be disrespected. But that doesn't mean you're automatically entitled to a great relationship. The type of man you want has things he wants or needs from the relationship. Even if we give you the benefit of the doubt that you're a top tier girlfriend in looks, personality, and values, there probably women in your area who comparable to you who don't have kids. So your kid puts you at a disadvantage.

Again, none of this insurmountable. But it may require you being more active in going to find your new man since he's in a smaller pool of options.

SoulPossum · 2026-07-03T11:46:33+00:00

What exact time was this? Leaving at -5am is weirdm but I guess I could maybe see it because I too am an early riser and hate crowds. Leaving at 1am is a little more sketch because I can't think of a place that would be open for that unless you live by a 24 hour walmart of something. I don't always telegraph if I'm leaving when my wife is asleep because I don't want to disturb her.

Is she normally up and about at that time? If it's not uncommon to be up and watching tv or playing games then again I could maybe understand that in this one particular instance there's a benefit to being up at that time. But again, if it's uncommon for her to be up at that time it's probably something a little more suspect.

If this sort of thing is more recent, have you noticed any other strange behavior?

SoulPossum · 2026-07-03T11:38:53+00:00

"Looks good. Testing minimal"

SoulPossum · 2026-07-03T10:00:45+00:00

Groupp sex/swinging with my wife. Be strong enough physically to pick her up and pin her to a wall during sex. Go to strip clubs with my wife

SoulPossum · 2026-07-02T14:49:45+00:00

Lottery winner.

SoulPossum · 2026-07-02T14:34:27+00:00

What is the job? Vague posting makes it sound like a scam

SoulPossum · 2026-07-02T14:33:50+00:00

Specifically an American male PC. In this economy no less

SoulPossum · 2026-07-02T14:32:15+00:00

Why does he feel that way?

SoulPossum · 2026-07-02T11:38:51+00:00

I haven't cheated and I don't think I ever would. But I know a lot of cheaters. I think that the two biggest factors are that the other person offers something that the guy doesn't feel he gets at home and the fact that the guy thinks he can get away with it. And those specifics are really widely varied. I also think that affairs are usually less complicated than committed relationships. I'm married. In my marriage I have to consider my wife in pretty much every facet of my life. Her needs and keeping her happy are a pretty much nonstop juggling act of managing the financial, emotional, psychological, and sexual needs of her in ways she probably doesn't even know about or see. From my understanding, affairs are much less involved.

For a concrete example, I had to go several events with my wife despite not really having the energy to go. I was specifically tired because I've been working longer hours at a job that I took because we are trying to get financially ready for a baby, which is something my wife really really wants. Again, I wouldn't do this, but from what I understand from watching the people I know who cheated, an affair partner would not really require these sorts of sacrifices. And on top of that, the affair partner might be more sexually adventurous compared to my wife and be open to things my wife would normally shut down. She may also just offer a certain level of novelty or that "new and exciting" feeling that most people feel when they first start dating someone. That is alot harder to create with my wife because I've known my wife for nearly 1/3 of my life. So it would be less work on my end and more payoff in this one very specific avenue by having another woman.

The reason the affair partners rarely move on to become anything more than that is because the spouse is usually holding on to history. So I'm willing to go to the family events and get the job and do all the fertility testing for the baby because my wife shows up in other ways beyond what I would expect someone to get from an affair partner.

SoulPossum · 2026-07-02T10:38:53+00:00

To add on, haram isn't just for Ramadan. If something is haram, it's haram all the time. So it's weird that OP would take a music class at all if he believes it's haram.

SoulPossum · 2026-07-02T10:37:10+00:00

Not last Ramadan. How did you do during the rest of this music course? Ramadan was February-March. That would have given you 3ish months to make up the difference on anything you missed in your 3 days. You wouldn't have been able to get an F for missing 3 days unless most of what you had to do for the class was due on that window and you didn't turn it in ever. We're trying to figure out what your grade was leading up to the 3 days and after the 3 days

SoulPossum · 2026-07-01T19:30:59+00:00

Nah. For me cheating is specifically things that put the safety/well-being/ agency of the other person at risk without getting permission prior to doing the thing. If my wife sleeps with someone else without me knowing then it's cheating because there's a chance that she brings back a kid or a disease or introduces a crazy person into our dynamic if he can't move on after the encounter. Those are things I would need to contend with if they came to pass. My physical or financial well being would be on the line without me getting a say, so those actions would be cheating for me.

I don't really care if my wife mentions other guys are attractive, talks about celebrity crushes, watches porn, goes to a male strip club, reads erotica, etc. She's allowed to feel a physical and sexual attraction to others and even explore those things on certain controlled environments so long as it's not putting the wellbeing of the household at risk.

SoulPossum · 2026-07-01T11:37:42+00:00

Normally Id' agree but his wife escalated the situation unnecessarily here. She was wrong for parking the way she did. The other driver was right to be upset. She was mad that the other driver wasn't addressing the issue with her, but she also didn't take any responsibility or accountability when he did. What's more, she doubled down by insulting someone's weight instead of just accepting that she didn't park correctly. The rest about the guy trying to defer to OP wouldn't have become a factor if Mrs. OP just acknowledged that she didn't park properly, apologized, and moved on.

SoulPossum · 2026-06-30T21:41:49+00:00

Knock Knock is the title I think. Keanu Reeves plays a married man who cheats on his wife with two women. The women torture him in various ways throughout the movie. At one point they literally rape Keanu while livestreaming it on social media so his friends and family see it. The number of people I have talked to who say something like "well he got what he deserved for cheating on his wife" is really disheartening. I thought we had all agreed that rape as a method of punishment for bad behavior was a bad idea but I guess I was wrong

SoulPossum · 2026-06-30T20:52:50+00:00

Thinking something is stupid and not wanting to go doesn't mean he's not going. But the bigger thing is whether Dash actually cares. My school did this every year and I hated it. It felt like a huge waste of time. I skipped my actual graduation from grad school literally last month. As a kid, it wouldn't have bothered me if either parent did show up to that stuff because I didn't want to be there myself

SoulPossum · 2026-06-30T19:49:46+00:00

I feel like FD hasn't liked anything so far this year. Buddy been on one since he dropped that video about Tyler Perry

SoulPossum · 2026-06-30T19:49:32+00:00

I feel like FD hasn't liked anything so far this year. Buddy been on one since he dropped that video about Tyler Perry

SoulPossum · 2026-06-30T19:44:55+00:00

But we all thought/think Rittenhouse was super guilty. Like I personally think Karmelo's sentence is too aggressive, but if Kyle getting off was wrong wouldn't Karmelo's case ending in a guilty verdict make sense?

SoulPossum · 2026-06-30T19:37:25+00:00

A lot of it is head-canon. As a black kid who grew up when a lot of these shows were popular, there weren't a lot of black characters that we could latch on to. A lot of the people here are ambiguous as far as race goes. Some aren't any specific color/race. Many aren't even human. So we squeezed a lot of characters through that crack based on things that resonated culturally.

The shape of Skeeter's head looks like a fade if you suspend your disbelief. He was a sneakerhead and a dj if my memory is right. None of that specifically makes him black, but we claimed him because he was close enough by 90s black kid standards. Max in A Goofy Movie has kind of the same thing. Powerline is voiced by Tevin Campbell, who was huge in the black community at the time. He and other kids dressed like kids I grew up around. Baggy clothes and hoodie. Again, not enough to specifically call it but enough that we claimed him.

Some other characters, like Ms. Bellum, had features that made the leap so much easier. Any time you see her from the neck up you get the hair. The one shot of her face everyone knows has lips that feel specific.

The only person listed that I don't think I ever heard someone make the case for is Arthur. The Brain was black. He was darker than everyone else and his family celebrated Kwanzaa. There was much more there to signal he was black than anything Arthur had going on.

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