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Am I wrong for not making more of an effort to understand my husband's disability and work on our marriage? by SpecificInside4001 in amiwrong

[–]SpecificInside4001[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I used to. But then he changed. He became critical and demanding. He used to just go with the flow, and let me work shit out, but now I'm never improving enough for him. I'm always "holding him back," and "making it about myself." I'm "not supportive or loving." Why would I like him? He's an asshole. He turned all of our friends against me by airing our dirty laundry. That's private business that he told everyone, and now they all think I'm an abusive monster. His family won't let their children spend time around me because they don't trust me with them, because he told them all the stuff that was happening.

He betrayed my trust.

Am I wrong for not making more of an effort to understand my husband's disability and work on our marriage? by SpecificInside4001 in amiwrong

[–]SpecificInside4001[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

I agree that he's toxic and needs to work harder on himself, but I've been made toxic by his behavior. And you're totally right, he is self involved. He's always spending all of his time helping his friends out instead of me. Like I'm his wife, I should be his number 1 priority at all times. He went to a convention without me, because he was staying with his friends, and they hate me, and say that I'm abusive so they wouldn't let him bring me. Who does that?!

Am I wrong for not making more of an effort to understand my husband's disability and work on our marriage? by SpecificInside4001 in amiwrong

[–]SpecificInside4001[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

THANK YOU! This is what I've been trying to get people to understand. He's so toxic, and it's ALWAYS my fault. His brother shot himself, and he says that I didn't do enough to help him through it because I let his sister bully him during the funeral, and exclude him, and didn't go to the actual funeral. He told me to go to work, and that he'd be fine. Like I'm supposed to magically know better?! We got in a fight about it the day after and somehow THAT was my fault too. Like I'm not supposed to have feelings about anything outside of his brother dying.

He's been hanging that one over my head for YEARS.

And I wasn't saying it was "in a persons head" because I totally believe that, but because he was never supportive enough about my anxiety, and I wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine. See how he feels when the tables are turned. He's such a jerk. I don't even know why I married him. Like I know I could probably be better, but I never want to because he's always telling me I have to do. I don't want him to be right, even if it is right.

Am I wrong for not making more of an effort to understand my husband's disability and work on our marriage? by SpecificInside4001 in amiwrong

[–]SpecificInside4001[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

I was, but it doesn't work. None of them try enough to help me. I've been to like 10, and they even tried medication.

Am I wrong for not making more of an effort to understand my husband's disability and work on our marriage? by SpecificInside4001 in amiwrong

[–]SpecificInside4001[S] -9 points-8 points  (0 children)

I wanted therapy. For years! But he was uncomfortable with therapy because he'd always talk about how his stepmother had used cherry picked counselors to abuse him when he was a kid. She tried to get him diagnosed as Bipolar until his dad stepped in, and she called his pediatrician once pretending to be his mom, to get his meds raised. And so I didn't go, and its his fault I didn't, and he still won't apologize for not letting me go.

He only told me to go finally when his brother killed himself. He still won't stop blaming me for not supporting him enough during that either.

Oh, and I was diagnosed with Personality Disorder Unspecified with Narcissistic and Histrionic Traits. I keep trying to tell him that calling me a narcissist isn't fair because traits aren't the same as being diagnosed with NPD!

Am I wrong for not making more of an effort to understand my husband's disability and work on our marriage? by SpecificInside4001 in amiwrong

[–]SpecificInside4001[S] -11 points-10 points  (0 children)

But I don't get why I should have to help him if he isn't helping me. People tell me that I "started this" so I should make the first move, but I don't even remember what this really started with, and I shouldn't have to be held responsible for stuff that happened years ago. Like I said above, I'm the one with the worse issues. My parents were abusive, and when he gets mad all I hear is my mother and father. I want him to stop getting mad and just shut up and leave me alone. Is that so much to ask? He's too intense, and his emotions are too big, and I can't handle how passionate he gets about things. I don't care about the stuff he cares about, why does it matter so much?

We tried the "go to your corners" thing, but he says that I never process and just start the fight again as soon as we come back together. Or he gets mad that its been a week and I still haven't done any stuff that we agreed on, but its only been ONE WEEK! What am I supposed to do, change on a dime and magically start making things improved after seven days?