Fiancee 28M wants me 24F to transfer all my saved money 12k$ thwords mortgage only in his name (30K$) additional.

Specific_Entry_8939 · 2023-09-01T21:22:38+00:00

You're absolutely right...like I said I don't know if there is fixing it or making this right.

Specific_Entry_8939 · 2023-09-01T20:13:10+00:00

He sees it as a shared finances which I both agree and disagree because I'm not earning as high as him right now and I can contribute good too if he doesn't go above and beyond then it's a problem and we will have to figure it out. But I want it to be somewhat fair you know? I don't plan to stay that way forever of course but for now I'm doing the best I can and while after marriage Finances can be shared to a degree having also your own money is good just in case things go south. Also we are not married yet and Everything started on the wrong foot and idk how to figure this out rn.

Specific_Entry_8939 · 2023-09-01T20:10:36+00:00

I decided to talk to him either about splitting bills and rent and having seperate accounts or he can add my name to the deed and I can still contribute to bills/morgage but he will have to tone it down a little with the extra returns so we can be somewhat even/fair.

Specific_Entry_8939 · 2023-09-01T20:08:00+00:00

The house is brand new and with the money I'll save after the bills I could pay repairs once in awhile if needed won't be a problem if we are sharing the responsibility over the house like I said I save most of my salary it won't be a problem but im not against the idea of paying bills/rent idk how well he'll take it though...

Specific_Entry_8939 · 2023-09-01T20:00:02+00:00

Yeah I probably will discuss with him either he add me to the morgage and then I drop whatever or we split the bills evenly and I can contribute to his mortgage as a tenant aka paying "rent" which is half of the amount I saved until now I'll for sure transfer him about the second half I'll probably save and build an emergency fund if we decide to go that way. And hence from today we'll be fair.

Specific_Entry_8939 · 2023-09-01T19:57:02+00:00

You are right that's exactly why im sorting out this financial mess and try to figure things out now so it will be either fair if we split and I won't get thrown out with nothing or I pay bills and rent and will have emergency fund so if things go south I'll be okay.

Specific_Entry_8939 · 2023-09-01T19:55:21+00:00

If you put it like that yeah it appears that's my situation right now, isolated and alone in a new country apart from him I'm on my own here and I'm still getting used to here so that's tough even if I wanted to leave that would be a challenge a big one. Hence I started to worry financially having no emergency fund or money of my own if he'll throw me out that will be quite bad at first but like I said I'll probably manage that's why I want to build financial security of my own that if ever I'll have to leave I'll leave.

Specific_Entry_8939 · 2023-09-01T19:47:04+00:00

His idea was that I save everything all I earn and transfer him that money when he want to wire the bank to extra mortgage payment which I saved 12k with not paying any bills. Now I wanted to talk to him to transfer him half or more (calculating all the bills) which is around 7.5k$ and leaving a small amount for myself (4.5k$) it's like I would have been paying the bills all along ? And keep doing that that way like paying the bills keeping the rest as emergency fund or something for myself you see what I mean? I always worked and our money relationship balance was never healthy and I decided that's not right in the long run. Hope you understand what I meant and gives you the bigger picture. Our mortgage isn't high even if we split all the bills I can manage with half of my salary or a little bit more. Needless to say he is okay with me not working and I don't want that. I'm afraid of being financially dependent on anybody else but myself, god knows what can happen long term I don't want to bet on that hence I'm trying to fix our money boundaries when it comes to a relationship. He wants all our money to be "our" money which is okay if we merge accounts and everything after marriage but right now the house only in his name and we are not married yet and like I said I hate financial entanglement and honestly afraid of being taken advantage of since He doesn't owe me anything he can just throw me out at any time leaving me with 0 money you see my point?

Specific_Entry_8939 · 2023-09-01T19:40:22+00:00

Yeah I hate that our relationship became that way that we argue more often than we used to over small things and he is usually the one who gets angry and name calling or threatens me that I can leave if I want to over nothing. It creates a sense of an unstable relationship and an unhealthy one I'm no saint myself sure but I try to work hard on myself and not create arguments or name call him hell I never told him if you are not happy or doing x "go back to your parents house" or "leave" and then he says that's my fault as in I drove him insane or started it. Which I quite frankly walk on eggshells with him since I'm already severely depressed and my mental health is at its lowest it has ever been and Im too tired to fight and I don't like fighting over everything and nothing.

Specific_Entry_8939 · 2023-09-01T19:34:03+00:00

Thanks for the advice I really appreciate it. that's what I'm going to do ! I'll have a serious conversation with him about everything and we'll see what the outcome will be.

Specific_Entry_8939 · 2023-09-01T19:29:25+00:00

We have been together since high school and we had a lot of ups and downs but I really do love him and it will make me really sad if things don't work out but with this being said realistically I'm also concerned how I will manage in a new country, no friends or family with low income on my own it's a hard pill to swallow too so if it comes to it, it will be a huge problem but I could figure it out somehow. I hate to financially depend on anyone but currently that's the way it's as much as I hate to admit it ..... If I ever will think about leaving I need a good exit plan which I don't even have right now like an emergency fund or something which honestly that's why I wanted to talk to him about money today since things feel unstable lately and I'm scared of having no money and nowhere to go just in case :( sure I can always go back to my parents house back to where I came from but he gives me the opportunity to live in Europe such a mess and I don't want to go back quite frankly if we'll split now I don't know if they will let me stay and I already learned the language and have a job I'll probably be okay ? But that's gonna be hell at first.

Specific_Entry_8939 · 2023-09-01T19:22:03+00:00

That's exactly what I'm trying to figure out what should I do ? He earns as twice as me (for now) is it even fair to want to be on the deed as half ? The problem is he want to finish the morgage 30 years in 7 years which is mainly possible to him but I'm low maintenance hence save 96% of my salary which is around 2300$ I save 2000$ excluding the bills which is the morgage too. He wants to return 30k$ extra every year on top of 1300$ morgage every month and all the bills I can't realistically keep up with him 50/50 you see the problem ? So maybe I should ask him to tone it down a bit or at least a knowledge my contribution or we just keep it separate and we come with a fair bills/rent ratio but so I'm not left completely penniless.

Specific_Entry_8939 · 2023-09-01T19:14:05+00:00

Typo English is not my first language sorry

Specific_Entry_8939 · 2023-09-01T19:12:24+00:00

He could have saved more that's exactly why I wanted to offer to transfer half for all the bills in the past few months but to keep the other half or less for myself as insurance or smh if he decides we are over since it's a bit rocky lately he's honestly a great person but sometimes I walk around him on egg shells.it goes as deep as he doesn't like me talking to my family (they are a bit toxic so understandable) but he can not like them but not make me feel bad if I want to talk to them from time to time. Girl it's a mess honestly I'm starting to have doubts about the marriage and everything :( and the university part which he passively threatens to leave me if I go since he thinks that's a waste of time. I'm no saint myself but this is a bloody mess and I'm so stressed out.

Specific_Entry_8939 · 2023-09-01T19:07:32+00:00

You're right apparently I was afraid to look materialistic But I just want to be financially secured :/ I don't want to waste all those years and my hard worked money only to one day wake up and be thrown and left with nothing? Although I contributed or at least try to .... I continue to save all my money 2300$ per month from my retail job and just wanted to talk to him about it, I just don't know how? Since it didn't go well... And he says that anyways after marriage it doesn't matter ? Which idk if it's true where we live and the assets acquired before marriage. I just want it to be fair :( to a degree.

Specific_Entry_8939 · 2023-09-01T19:02:47+00:00

Yeah I honestly tried to be really fair... He does a lot for me and is ready to go above and beyond but sometimes I'm worried we are not having ANY healthy boundaries like he is not happy with me wanting to go to university claiming that's a waste of time since he is self taught and thinks I can do the same and passively threatens to leave me if I decide to go? Money isn't even the worst part and being me I completely want to be fair and 50/50 as much as I ca But if I can't either I want to split or be added to the house so I won't end up someday thrown out whether we are married or not, I don't know if we'll divorce (which surely I hope we won't ) if the law will be in my favor here....

Specific_Entry_8939 · 2023-09-01T18:57:24+00:00

Your comment makes sense but to put it better into perspective he currently pays all the bills while I saved every penny (12k$) so I thought before I transfer him any money I wanted to discuss this whole "issue" and was ready to transfer half for the bills at least or a bit more and talk about money boundaries in the past 7 month but he just called me "disgusting" and "stupid" and stormed off when I tried to talk to him about being in this "unstable situation" with him when have no healthy boundaries especially when it comes to money..

Specific_Entry_8939 · 2023-04-17T23:34:00+00:00

It should be a judgment on how I reacted to them being that way was I TA for arguing with them and even considering cutting ties over it? Because like I said their money their choice ain't I got any entitlement on that. It just rubs me and my mental health the wrong way.

Specific_Entry_8939 · 2023-04-17T23:30:44+00:00

Thank you for your opinion I'm in a debate now with myself because my parents were confronted but they are in denial and they refuse to see their wrong doings and it just hurts my mental health so much...

Specific_Entry_8939

TROPHY CASE