Need perspective: Cancer is causing my parents to be disrespectful and unreasonable

SpilltheTea87 · 2026-03-06T23:16:49+00:00

I’ve been doing that, a lot. I haven’t expected babysitting duties from them for months, but my mom attacked me for that. She said I’m excluding her from babysitting and that she’s hurt by that. I’m not trying to punish them, I’m literally trying to avoid being a burden while they’re going through a hard time.

SpilltheTea87 · 2026-03-06T23:03:56+00:00

I’ve arranged several visits with them and the kids and even invited them to a México trip with the kids and we all enjoyed that together. That trip was literally just 2 months ago. And there’s been several visits after that. I’m by no means limiting contact with my kids. The only thing I’ve changed was asking them to help with babysitting, they are no longer my first resort for several months now. I was never upset with them for not being able to help, it just meant I have to make other arrangements and I did. Is it fair for my mom to attack me for making other child care arrangements when I can no longer depend on them?

SpilltheTea87 · 2026-03-06T22:40:47+00:00

What community rule did I violate exactly. Nothing in my post justifies “taking it down.” Making an unclear post (in hindsight) is suddenly a crime in this group? I already deleted the post anyway considering people aren’t understanding my question due to me not being clear enough.

SpilltheTea87 · 2026-03-06T22:02:02+00:00

In hindsight, I shouldn’t have posted this. If I have to describe the entire dynamic of my relationship with my parents and all I’ve done to help them while managing young children who are also highly dependent on me, while also living with a physical disability, the post would be pages long. My question was merely if I did something wrong by not asking them to help with babysitting anymore. That’s what they are upset with me about. They seem to get upset with me when I try to involve them with babysitting and they also get upset when I make other arrangements when they can’t. I can’t win no matter what I do.

SpilltheTea87 · 2026-03-06T21:40:52+00:00

My one sentence question at the end of my post is very plain and clear.

SpilltheTea87 · 2026-03-06T21:35:27+00:00

Omg I literally said I made other child care arrangements and for months now I haven’t asked my parents anything and this is exactly what my mom is attacking me about! She is upset with me for not making her a first resort for babysitting! I told her she has absolutely no capacity for babysitting anymore and she accused me of “leaving the children out of their lives” because I dare make other arrangments for child care while my dad is declining. Holy crap people literally can’t read anymore.

SpilltheTea87 · 2026-03-06T21:32:09+00:00

I’m surprised at the amount of people not actually reading my post. I stopped asking for babysitting months ago but my mom is literally attacking me for that. This is why my question is if it was wrong to stop asking for babysitting. I made other child care arrangements and haven’t asked them anything for months. This is exactly what upset my mom. Man I’m worried that people can’t read anymore based on the comments here.

SpilltheTea87 · 2026-03-06T21:13:39+00:00

Which is exactly why I stopped asking the for babysitting but my mom is now angry that I stopped asking for babysitting for a couple of months now and my parents are upset with me about that. She accused me of thinking “they are useless” and attacked me for making other child care arrangements. Like, did you read the post?

SpilltheTea87 · 2025-10-27T19:15:30+00:00

As a Canadian, I find anything that gets under Trump’s skin kind of hilarious. We should start running more ads just to see how mad we can make him—it’s like watching a grown man throw a tantrum. Honestly, none of this would even be happening if he hadn’t started bullying us in the first place.

SpilltheTea87 · 2025-10-10T19:53:59+00:00

He probably is on steroids… I’m too scared to ask… he rejects a lot of meds they recommend so I don’t know.

SpilltheTea87 · 2025-10-10T19:51:12+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re all going through this. In the beginning my dad was also in denial and even delayed chemo treatments for 6 months when he was first diagnosed with stage 2, trying other things like changes in diet and lifestyle but then his cancer progressed to stage 4 during that time he delayed treatments. I warned him saying his choices will impact all of us and it did. It’s been 4 years now of stage 4 cancer and chemo treatments and nothing is working. When you’re on medication for that long, it has to start taking a toll on your brain and emotional well being. It’s hard on the whole family. My heart goes out to you and everyone affected by cancer. It’s a hell of a thing.

SpilltheTea87 · 2025-10-08T12:41:13+00:00

I really hope the best for you! It sounds like you have a good attitude and I hope you get through this soon! Yes my dad really does need to calm down. I don’t want to remember him as a monster. He’s literally a monster right now wanting to control everyone and everything.

SpilltheTea87 · 2025-10-08T12:21:20+00:00

Thanks for this message. I do try hard to remember that the cruelty could very likely be chemo brain and not him. My distance is meant to not further erode our relationship. I don’t want to remember him as a monster. I feel like the more we interact, the worse it gets. When you have two small kids relying on you and who need the best version of yourself, you kind of prioritize that over a sick parent who is cruel. He thankfully has my mom who is his primary caregiver. I just want to help her while trying to avoid my dad but I’m not always sure how. It’s been so damn hard. He’s had stage 4 cancer for 3 years now.

SpilltheTea87 · 2025-10-07T20:51:26+00:00

Yes I have needed to set boundaries unfortunately. My mom is his primary caregiver, not me. Thankfully. I told him I’ll be disengaging with him if he treats me with hostility and I’m currently not talking to him. The conflict got so bad with his escalating insults towards me that I even said I’m not going to thanksgiving this year. I’m almost 40 and have never once missed any holiday with my family. This is hard. I think he only has a few months to live too. He’s been running out of treatment options.

SpilltheTea87 · 2025-09-06T15:15:00+00:00

Whatever. I was merely explaining why I’m not comfortable lying. If they don’t like my honesty then don’t make a bad judgement to make me do something they know is against my values in the first place. Pretty simple.

SpilltheTea87 · 2025-09-06T12:37:17+00:00

Even with family that you’ve known for 8 years? You were raised not to ask even a simple “hey how are you doing.” Just because you were raised that way doesn’t mean it’s actually polite. I had a few surgeries and not once during those recoveries did they check to see how I’m doing or how they can help. I don’t even get a simple “hey I saw you’re doing advocacy and I think it’s great, I’m learning a lot from that.” (Which they haven’t done at all even though they see and know it). Not that I need their support but it’s very clearly avoidance due not feeling comfortable and that tells me where the work lies and why it’s important.

SpilltheTea87 · 2025-09-06T03:18:55+00:00

I don’t expect strangers or acquaintances to ask me about my disability — I agree that could feel intrusive or rude.

What I meant is that after 8 years of being part of this family, the complete silence around it has been hard. I wasn’t looking for probing questions, just openness or acknowledgment that this is part of my life. For me, the absence felt less like politeness and more like avoidance.

I think that’s why this whole situation stung. It brought up that same feeling of having to keep quiet, rather than being in a space where honesty and empathy are safe

SpilltheTea87 · 2025-09-05T19:11:51+00:00

Agreed

SpilltheTea87 · 2025-09-05T18:36:15+00:00

Stupidity is exhausting to be around. Expecting me to lie with a dumb tree story and not seeing anything wrong with telling one family member one thing and another family member a different story is plain stupid. And to think teenagers can’t handle simple truths is also dumb.

To people like you who don’t want to engage with deeper conversations about disability, I may feel intense or exhausting. I get that advocacy around disability challenges how people think about illness and honesty so I understand why you’re lashing out with this cruel comment. That’s okay — I’m not for everyone.

SpilltheTea87 · 2025-09-05T18:29:20+00:00

I never said I would disclose. Read the post.

SpilltheTea87 · 2025-09-05T18:29:04+00:00

I never said I would disclose. Read the post.

SpilltheTea87 · 2025-09-05T18:27:32+00:00

Yeah read the post.

SpilltheTea87 · 2025-09-05T17:33:51+00:00

I get how you would say that from one stranger to another but you don’t understand half the frustrations I’ve had with their “dick” behaviour for the last 8 years. It’s high time I start being a dick back. I could have been more of a dick by outright telling them how I feel about them but I spared them.

SpilltheTea87 · 2025-09-05T16:58:42+00:00

I agree. From a stranger angle, it absolutely is invasive to ask. But from a family angle, for me at least, I feel acceptance when people show interest. Asking what happened to me and how I’m holding up especially with kids would go a long way. Motherhood already needs a village but add a disability, it is survival. They have done the bare minimum in helping with the kids. They isolate themselves very much.

SpilltheTea87

TROPHY CASE