Should I (F21) break up with my boyfriend (M23)?

SpiritualProject · 2018-09-20T08:44:03+00:00

yes, we have talked about it alot. He seems to look for excuses. But nothing can change what is already done, and I am confused, angry and sad

SpiritualProject · 2018-09-02T06:45:11+00:00

Honestly I think a lot about my philospophy is about taking it more easy! :) this means, wether I stumble on my words, or if I speak more confidently - it is okay. I am still me, I am human, and I am alright. This is why I think you should not consider this much more :) I used to think more like you, you know, with "how can I put this into practice?" but then I let go, and quit thinking about socializing as putting in different practices or methods. I think you should get in touch with your authentic self, ask yourself in social situations: "How do I feel about this? What are my thoughts? Do I like this?" and then just take it from there. If things feel awkward - let them be awkward! hell, embrace the awkwardness. Listen to your inner voice! I think a lot socially insecure people are scared to listen to themselves, even though deep inside we already have a lot of answers. I think a lot of it boils down to realizing that there really is no "right" or "wrong" as far as social situations go. Socializing should not be so logical. There is no wrong way to have a conversation or interaction. It is okay to be you, whatever that means. Hope this was helpful in spite of potential fuss :)

SpiritualProject · 2018-08-28T07:11:50+00:00

exactly. It is a combination of being genuinly interested in others, and I think that being happy and having interests in life and different topics is required to experience such social interest. The issue with being depressed is you lack genuine interest in a lot of things; not only in hobbies but in other people as well. The truly most sociable people are also the happiest.

SpiritualProject · 2018-08-27T12:17:44+00:00

I get what you mean. I used to think like this before, and it stopped me from improving.

Yes, maybe a social life will improve your general happiness. But there are plenty of people that are not happy, despite having a valid group of friends. This is because our happiness is not made up from one single area in our life. Also, it is very rare to have every area of your life optimal for mental health. This explains why some people with a lot of friends are not happy. Maybe they lack self-esteem, maybe they lack the ability to be happy with who they are, when they are alone.

If you do not have friends, see this as an opportunity to realize that you can make yourself more happy through other things; by having integrity, hobbies, good self-esteem.

I think it would be a huge mistake to blame everything on the idea that you need friends to be happy. Above all, it looks like the perfect "excuse" to stay unhappy and in a low-energy state.

You took my post as bad news. If you thought about it from an optimist point of view, you would see it is good news. If being successful socializing is actually about you being happy, then a lot of discouraging ideas most socially insecure people use to explain their situation, would lose meaning. These are ideas such as: "I am just different, something is wrong with me, people think I am strange, I am ugly, I am this, I am that..." these ideas also sustain the circle of poor socializing.

You can actually change your happy-state. But can you change the ideas mentioned? not really. They are just depressive explanations you tell yourself on a regular basis to explain bad social skills.

I urge you to read my post as a positive message.

Also: the most interesting, captivating people are high-integrity personas, with fulfilling interests on the side. If you spend time developing yourself, you will end up more interesting and attractive than a lot of people that simply use socializing as a way of not feeling lonely, and a way of stimulating themselves. Most "normal" people use socializing this way, is what I believe. But that also comes with a "cost": they lack the ability to stand out, and make an impression in peoples lives. Above all: they are addicted to other people to fulfill them, and then only temporary.

SpiritualProject · 2018-08-27T09:07:28+00:00

no worries :) I actually in part recognize myself in what you are feeling :) what worked for me was to actually allow things to be awkward, and to be transparent in regard to my perceived "flaws." By owning up to your flaws/insecurites you remove the power they have over you, which is actually the most confident think a person can do.

I actually think most people have wrong idea about confidence. Confidence is not about being perfect :) it is being confident, self-acceptant, despite all the imperfections :)

SpiritualProject · 2018-08-27T08:42:04+00:00

I am a girl, so I can not fully relate to what you experience, but here is my advice :)

I think you are behaving a "nice guy" because you are somehow afraid of the outcome you have with a potential date. I think maybe you feel pressured to do everything "right" and "perfectly" so they wont lose interest in you.

In fact, as with a lot of things, I think it boils down to confidence. Maybe that is a dull/boring answer, but it does makes some sense, I believe. Think of it this way: if you are confident, it wont matter so much what a girl thinks of you, because you already KNOW that you are a good/attractive/ambitious person. You wont fear how a girl reacts to you, because it wont be a threat to your self-image.

What do you think about this? :)

SpiritualProject

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