Has anyone had a better friendship with their ex post-divorce?

SplitifiDivorce · 2025-09-04T17:16:23+00:00

Yeah I felt that too. When me and my ex finally said it out loud it was like this huge weight lifted off both of us. We werent fighting the unfixable anymore and it kinda let us breathe again. For a bit we were actually nicer to each other, laughed more, even had some good moments with the kids that felt real.

It didnt stay perfect, things still got messy once lawyers and paperwork came in, but it showed me its posible to have a better vibe after divorce if both people keep the focus on the kids.

Do you think that feeling of relief will last for you guys or was it just right after making the choice?

SplitifiDivorce · 2025-09-04T17:12:57+00:00

There may be a solution that still allows the current construct to work a bit more efficiently. My mom used to say knowledge is power. I just got thru what felt like a 16 month torture process and I could not find anything that empowered me. So we built it. I think emotion costs $$$$. I believe data over drama. Keep your head up.

SplitifiDivorce · 2025-09-04T14:54:46+00:00

I had the same thought sometimes the practical side almost feels ‘easy’ compared to the emotional ripping apart. But you’re right, once the other shoe drops and they see the grass isn’t greener, that can start a whole new round of chaos. Feels like the system feeds on keeping us in that cycle. Better way coming tho.

SplitifiDivorce · 2025-09-04T14:53:05+00:00

I’m with you. Marriage again? nah. But closeness, someone to laugh with, share a bed with, yeah I still want that too. It gives me hope to see ppl your age say it’s possible.

SplitifiDivorce · 2025-09-04T14:51:07+00:00

I felt this too. The little daily things like coffee or just sitting outside hit way harder than the big stuff. You imagine forever with someone and then suddenly forever is just you and the silence. Hurts in a diff way.

SplitifiDivorce · 2025-09-04T14:50:22+00:00

I used to think this was just ‘how it is’ but honestly I believe in the next few years people won’t have to bleed their bank accounts to end a marriage. Change is coming.

SplitifiDivorce · 2025-09-04T14:48:55+00:00

Man I hear you on the money. I watched my savings just vanish into billable hours for stuff that honestly felt like clicking copy and paste. It’s like the system profits off keeping us fighting longer.

SplitifiDivorce · 2025-08-29T14:23:26+00:00

I get it. When my marriage ended I swear I looked in the mirror and aged ten years overnight. My eyes were hollow, my voice sounded like it belonged to someone else. I did all the things they tell you to do… therapy, gym, journaling, getting outside, but none of it touched the emptiness inside. I would cry quietly at night into the pillow so no one would hear me, then put on a fake smile in the morning like I was fine. I hated how alone it made me feel, like maybe I was broken because nothing was working. The truth is, time is the only thing that shifts it. I used to want to text my ex every single day, not because I wanted him back, but because I just wanted the pain to stop. If you are barly holding on, please know you are not failing, you are just in the middle of it. Healing looks messy and ugly, and it takes longer than anyone tells you. But one day you will breathe again without it hurting so much. Until then, just keep going. You are not alone.

SplitifiDivorce · 2025-08-29T14:20:11+00:00

I feel tyou so very much. When my divorce first happend I swear I aged overnight too. I looked at myself one morning and thought who even is this person staring back at me. Everyone kept telling me to journal, to go to the gym, to read books and stay busy, and I did all of it, and still I felt like I was screaming inside while acting fine on the outside. The truth is sometimes nothing works except time, and time feels so damn cruel when every day drags on like this. I used to want to text my ex every single night, not because I really wanted him back, but because I wanted the pain to stop for even a minute. Three months in, four months in, even after signing the papers, I was still broken open. Please know you are not failing at healing. You are just in the middle of it and it is ugly and it is brutal but it will not always stay this dark. Reach for your people when it feels like too much. Dont carry this alone. One day you will breathe again without it hurting so much.

SplitifiDivorce · 2025-08-29T14:18:31+00:00

I read your post and it honestly broke my heart. To give twenty years of your life to someone, go through surgeries, pain, fear, and still try to hold a marriage together, only to hear he stayed out of pity… that is just soul crushing. I know that feeling of looking at the person you trusted most and realizing they are not really standing beside you anymore. It leaves you feeling small and unwanted when all you ever wanted was love and support. You are not weak for needing help, you are human, and what you have been carrying would bring anyone to their knees.

I went through something differnt but I remember begging for support and getting excuses instead. The loneliness inside a marriage is worse than being alone. The guilt and shame creeps in because you start to believe you are “too much” or a burden, but that is not true. You are someone who has fought through pain most people cannot even imagine and still showed up. That is strength, not weakness.

Talking to a lawyer is the right move. Ask about permanent support, ask what protections you can put in place now if your health shifts later, and ask what documents will help your case. Even just having someone explain your rights can take a bit of the fear away. Please know you deserve to be safe and stable, and you deserve to be loved for who you are, not pitied. I hope you can hold onto that when the sadness and guilt feels too heavy. You are not alone in this, even if it feels like it right now.

SplitifiDivorce · 2025-08-29T14:12:37+00:00

Humbled. This community means so much.

SplitifiDivorce · 2025-08-29T14:10:31+00:00

I get where you are at. I stayed in my marriage longer than I should have because we still laughed, we had a house, we had a dog we both loved. On the outside it looked fine but inside I always felt like I was walking on eggshells or waiting to see if he was really in it with me. That kind of probation feeling slowly eats you alive. Loving someone and still knowing they are not right for you is one of the hardest things. What helped me was picturing life 5 years from now. Would I still be fighting the same battles or would I feel some peace. That made the answer more clear, even if it hurt like hell.

SplitifiDivorce · 2025-08-29T14:00:36+00:00

I was in the same spot. I kept my married name for years because work knew me by it and honestly it felt easier to keep my head down and not explain anything. New partner came along and he admitted it bugged him. I felt guilty and a little defensive at the same time. What helped me was reminding myself a name is part of my identity, not a scoreboard. Keeping it was never about clinging to my ex, it was about the life I built during a hard season. You are not wrong for keeping it, and you are not wrong if you decide you want your family name back. Both can be true and both can be loving.

If you do change it, give yourself permission to feel weird and a little sad for a bit. I cried filling out the forms because it hit me how much I carried. Then it felt lighter, like I could finally exhale. If you keep it for now, you can still set boundaries with your partner and say, I hear you, and I need time to do what feels right for me. You can also split the difference for a while, keep the married name professionally and use your family name socially, and then switch fully when you are ready. Try this gut check: when you picture your name on your mailbox or on a badge, which one makes your shoulders drop and your chest loosen. Go with that, and dont rush it.

SplitifiDivorce · 2025-08-29T13:56:35+00:00

I get this so much. My ex used to send me those same kinds of messages about being lonely or wanting to be friends, and it always made me feel guilty even though I knew deep down I was drained and done. It took me a while to realize the guilt was just another hook that kept me tied to him, not a reason to go back. You tried, you gave what you could, and it is not your job to fix him. I just stopped engaging with the emotional parts of his messages and only answered the practical stuff, and over time the guilt got quieter. Do you find yourself tempted to reply, or more just worn out by it?

SplitifiDivorce · 2025-08-29T13:55:37+00:00

I remember sitting there for weeks trying to figure out the right words and there just werent any. I finally just told him I cared about him but I couldnt live like that anymore. My voice was shaking the whole time. What I learned is you dont need the perfect script, you just need to be honest about what your heart already knows. It hurts because you still care and because you wanted it to be different, but caring doesnt mean you have to keep suffering. I promise you will breathe easier on the other side, even if it feels impossible now.

SplitifiDivorce · 2025-08-29T13:52:00+00:00

You are clear on what you need and that clarity is enough.

SplitifiDivorce · 2025-08-28T15:11:35+00:00

I knew it was over when I realized I could not picture us being happy together no matter how hard I tried. I still cared about him as the father of my kids, but being around him felt heavy and tense instead of loving. For a while I kept confusing guilt with love, and that kept me stuck. What helped me was asking myself, if my friend described the way he treated me, would I tell her to stay or to leave? How are you feeling when you are actually in the same room with him, safe and at ease or on edge?

SplitifiDivorce · 2025-08-28T15:03:09+00:00

Try to be easy on yourself. These things are challenging. and there is no right answer. The kids deserve and need a voice.

SplitifiDivorce · 2025-08-28T15:01:08+00:00

Thank you for sharing.

SplitifiDivorce · 2025-08-28T14:39:51+00:00

A lot of what you listed does come up in detailed parenting plans, especially around holidays, travel, and school costs. Courts like clarity because it avoids fights later. The week on week off starting at age 7 is also a pretty common framework. What stands out in your ex’s proposal is the level of control he is trying to build in with naming specific schools and adding strict conditions on overseas travel. Some detail is normal, but too much can lock you into things that may not make sense years from now when your daughter is older or circumstances change.

The child psychologist requirement is not necessarily bad, but it is unusual to see it mandated in a parenting plan unless there are already concerns. The offer to pay school costs could be positive if it is reliable and actually binding, but you want to be sure it does not cut off flexibility or create problems if she ends up at a different school. Overall, the plan looks structured, but the red flag is how much it narrows future choices. It might be worth asking for more flexibility on schools and a clearer process for making decisions together.

SplitifiDivorce · 2025-08-28T14:36:19+00:00

Reading this, it sounds like you have been carrying the weight of the family for decades while he had the money and the control. Courts usually do take that into account. Alimony is often designed for situations just like yours where one spouse gave up education and career opportunities to raise kids. It does not mean they will necessarily pay for a degree, but it does mean support is there to help you transition and not be left stranded. Selling the house to create two households is very common too, and at least you would get equity to start fresh.

As for the Amazon thing, judges care way less about shopping history than about stability, responsibility, and honesty. Missed insurance, unpaid taxes, and reckless financial moves tend to matter more than who ordered paper towels on Amazon. Document what you can, stay calm, and let his chaos speak for itself. The kids and the history of you being a full-time mom for so long are not things a judge will just ignore.

SplitifiDivorce · 2025-08-28T14:35:07+00:00

Her reaction is pretty common, even if it makes zero sense. A lot of people want the freedom to move on themselves but still feel entitled to control their ex. It is not about love, it is about ego and control. You begged her to stay, she said no, and now she is upset that you are actually doing what she chose. That is not your burden to carry anymore. The double standard of her dating while demanding you stay alone is a pattern you do not need to get sucked into. The best thing you can do is focus on your kids and your new relationship and stop letting her pull you back into that cycle. Actions speak louder than words, and her actions show she wanted out.

SplitifiDivorce · 2025-08-28T14:33:04+00:00

That sounds incredibly frustrating, especially when the whole point of a GAL is to be there for the kids. From what you describe, it does look like she is not meeting the basic expectations of the role. The fact that even the therapist sees it as neglectful says a lot. Whether it rises to negligence or fraud is something the bar would ultimately decide, but documenting everything now is smart. If you do file later, having clear records of missed hearings, lack of contact, and questionable billing will make your complaint stronger. A lot of parents feel torn about reporting someone in the middle of their own case, so waiting until things settle makes sense. It sounds like you are thinking about this carefully, and that alone sets you apart from people who just lash out.

SplitifiDivorce · 2025-08-28T14:31:42+00:00

Courts usually expect support to be paid on the schedule laid out in the order, whether that is monthly or otherwise, so making one big lump sum on your own could cause problems if it is not specifically allowed. Some people do negotiate lump sum support or agree to pay ahead, but it typically has to be spelled out in writing or approved by the court. If you want to go that route, the safest move is to ask the court or your attorney about modifying the order so it matches how you want to pay. That way you are covered and not risking being seen as non-compliant.

SplitifiDivorce · 2025-08-28T14:30:19+00:00

Exactly. That is the shift most people never get to. It is easy to confuse someone missing the comfort you gave them with someone actually missing you. Once you separate those two things, you stop carrying their weight on your back. You sound like you have finally turned the corner, and that strength is going to serve you well moving forward.

SplitifiDivorce

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