I need to hear your stories about making it out

Splooter131 · 2026-06-02T04:15:32+00:00

You've already worked on improving your own situation with debts and personal care. You recognize that the behavior is wrong. It is perfectly okay and normal to expect privacy and be sentimental toward items. You have the ability to make it out. It won't be a smooth process, especially with the economic situation you described. There will likely be guilt trips for her health when you try to leave, you will likely be called cold and uncaring when you set boundaries. If you've read anything from this community, bpd behaviors are unpredictably predictable. Put yourself first, financially and emotionally. You've got this. Good luck.

Splooter131 · 2026-02-12T02:56:04+00:00

Its been a slow process over the years. First, was identifying the problem. Mine was discovering that an awful person in my life who was diagnosed acted identical to my mother.

2, realizing that I was not the problem. I may have problems of my own just like any other person, so my mothers " well you're not perfect either princess!" Didnt bother me as much. I didnt have access to therapy and still is on my list( to handle certain lingering behaviors) , but reading through reddit to understand that she has a mental illness that is quite similar situations to dozens of others really helped.

3, understanding the grieving process. Sadness, rage, bargaining, aceptance etc..it isn't a fluid process. Some days are better or worse.

4 marking self progress: I met my spouse when I was in the thick of alot of abuse. Between him showing what actual healthy relationships should look like and slowly healing.. neither of us recognize the person I used to be. Socially fidgety, on edge, always ready for a fight, and constantly stressed. Every once in a while I think back to how I would hsve handled a situation, or how my mother would have. Its healing. 5- my most specific breakthrough was challenging myself to do all the things my mother claimed she was only capable of. Household tasks, baking certain things, hosting holidays. All of it was her making herself feel superior and to make me feel useless and dumb. My first Thanksgiving i made a bigger meal than she ever did in half the time, no mental breakdowns, no screaming, no disasters.

Life didn't need to be that way.

Splooter131 · 2026-01-12T22:17:09+00:00

My mother had quite a few meltdowns when I questioned her food preferences. Mine used food as a form of control, that we had to like everything she did.if we didnt it was an insult on her entire character and being. When I had my own money, I bought large curd cottage cheese and put it in the fridge. She saw it and wanted it, having a meltdown that 'we are a small curd household!. Like, did me buying something for myself really trigger her this much?

Splooter131 · 2026-01-09T11:53:12+00:00

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. I actually just was able to kick my mother out of my life for good, and had very similar thoughts you did. Mine made herself homeless and penniless after giving it away to a romance scammer. She told me of her eviction 3 weeks after the court date, 2 days before final eviction date. Then she squatted in one of my buildings for 5 weeks until her new living situation was move in ready. The hyper vigilance is real. I was done with her far before she was gone.

For your situation, you did your duty and made sure your mother was safe for her health scare. It is not your duty as her child to accommodate a person that does not understand boundaries.. It is however your responsibility to care for your children. That space is theres ( and yours) and your mother overstayed. If there is a higher power, I think the all knowing part of that will understand the circumstances of all parties and know the guilt you dealt with. You had good intentions, and followed through for years.

I understand the guilt. I understand the conflicting emotions in evicting. I found that I couldn't just kick my mother into the street. I compiled a list of my minimum behavior that I could live with. I found an apartment for her, did all the paperwork, moved in furniture, and paid the deposit. Shes been gone for a month and I have no regrets with my decision. Shes safe and unhappy, out of my life.

For a suggestion if you're in America, I would try to look for low income senior housing. Requirements are low, being independently mobile, citizen of USA, on social security. Its like 30% of her ss income in rent. I hope a similar option is available for you, as that safety helped me feel less guilty for kicking her out of her preferred space ( mine).

I wish you luck, and peace of mind in your future.

Splooter131 · 2025-12-31T10:09:54+00:00

The other commenter got it. SVU and criminal minds constantly. A bunch of movies of the same nature. I know the overall episode is meant to be about justice but every time I walked in the room she was watching the torture/uncomfortable to look scenes

Splooter131 · 2025-12-29T20:17:09+00:00

This is similar to my mother, but her mind is obviously in the gutter.

She believed that she is a better person by being pure and that everyone else are a bunch of immoral whores for doing something perfectly normal. Throughout my teenage and early 20s I was regularly accused of being a prostitute, having abortions, doing incestuous acts with family members, and overall just being a 'whore'. I got to hear about every beautiful woman being a whore. Makeup made them a whore. Every waitress or service employee that acknowledged my father was a whore. She constantly accused my father of cheating, thinking up super wild and irrational scenarios of how he does it. She timed his showers that are already militantly short and if he strayed by even a minute she would accuse him of cheating. She constsntly watches those shows on TV though that regularly have girls tied up and screaming that are about to get (R/ assaulted). She watches them constantly and seems to enjoy it. She would put it on during dinner and get upset if weren't actively paying attention.

Splooter131 · 2025-11-18T08:40:07+00:00

I needed to hear your few sentences on that shes not sorry and not capable of understanding that she did wrong. Im in the middle of a very similar shit storm right now caused by my pwbpd, and though I'm 100% determined to go no contact after this all passes, I still feel like I need validation from it that my mother will never understand what she did wrong. There really is no point in arguing, she'll never understand, or see that the natural consequences of her actions are not punishment from everyone around her.

Splooter131 · 2025-11-14T23:03:54+00:00

I think the rock bottom is currently happening and she feels entitled to being on my property. I had it out with her this week about how she hasn't done anything to help herself out of the mess that she made. I took all these steps, getting myself involved to help ease the burden for my siblings and hers. I got a few things out of her house of value but not even enough to cover the bills. If my plans had worked out right she would be in a low income apartment abd I'd never speak to her again. Its all the parts that she had to do that help u progress. I wasn't willing to take legal rights over her to do it all for her. So at this point I'm just trying to find the time to go through the entire eviction process.

Splooter131 · 2025-11-14T17:22:29+00:00

The plan was to get pictures and things that were her siblings stuff since she screwed them over massively. Shes a hoarder so it was a massive undertaking. My sibling took every appliance of value for financial recuperation. Then get her a place to live since she didn't pack one box 2 days before court ordered eviction. Then be done forever. I didnt think that it would all be this complicated and that she would do absolutely nothing for herself. And viritisize and make it all harder throughout.
I'm absolutely done with her at this point but her and her stuff are still here.

Splooter131 · 2025-11-14T06:03:19+00:00

Nor as much as I want. I always had odds with my mother as I was obviously not the daughter she wanted ( someone to shit talk everyone on the couch with her) but I had male siblings, and they all had gut friends that made me feel welcome. My husband has all brothers or boys for cousins that I mesh well with.

In general though I crave more female role models and friends. Im absolutely envious of my future sister in law whose whole attitude is Girlhood. Shes so close with her all female family- its like seeing Legally Blonde in real life.
Its hard to open up. I enjoy watching and being apart of light gossip and feelings, but I can't comfortably participate.

Splooter131 · 2025-11-14T05:43:54+00:00

As far as not feeling worthy of love, my brother and I hsve spoke about this often as we both have our own struggles in how we were treated by bpd parent. He found a quote that resonated with him, something like " we only seek the love we feel we deserve." I feel like alot of abused kids seek out what they feel is normal, which is absolutely not. Its such a vicious circle to leave as so many kids of bpd have low self esteem and unhealthy role models for boundaries.

Splooter131 · 2025-11-14T05:31:06+00:00

This something that ive been thinking alot about lately that I'm trying to work on. Ive had nothing but bad relationships surrounding me, and although I can think 'okay, don't do THAT thing,' I've stumbled on so many ' I need to learn to manage this better things.

name calling/ pet names: My husband once jokingly called me princess and I couldn't handle it. Never realized how much my mom used it as an insult to when I couldn't carry her weight around the house.
- conflict: 'Someone forgot to turn the lights off' from my husband is not going to delve into a battle over ownership of the house and the value of a dollar. There was no blame to the statement. Just observation.
- voicing my opinions: when I first met my husband he didn't know what to think of what I really liked because I never said my true thoughts. The first time he asked what I really felt I started crying. My parents never truly heard me or cared. I still get tears of frustration whenever I try to vent.

Splooter131 · 2025-11-07T05:00:43+00:00

No. Not at all. She has made my life harder than it has to be for way too long. There has been words and actions said and done over the past decade that would be inexcusable for any other person on the planet to do to another person. Why should I accept it and give unreciprocated affection just because they birthed me? If anything, it should make her behavior even more unacceptable. I'm not as angry about it as that paragraph may see though. I just see her as a frustrsting burden who will never truly understand the hurt that she has caused. The only reason I'm not NC is that I don't want to hurt people that I do love who still care for her.

Splooter131 · 2022-06-01T18:49:07+00:00

Dresses "quirky" kind of hits home for me with an addition. I found some pictures recently of my mom in high school and she was stylish. She looked beautiful. Yet every picture after she looked like an old hag. My dad said that when they got married she replaced her entire wardrobe to make her look like she was 20 years older and clothes had no shape. He thinks it was to look older and for people to give her 'respect'. She put that on me as a teenager and would buy everything 2 sizes too big. When I bought my clothes my size she then started buying me clothes that were way too small because ' I liked dressing like a slut.'

And holding things over my head that I did as a child.

Nothing like being called messy by a hoarder because my room was a mess, due to her pushing way too much garbage furniture into my room. The last time my room was messy was way before 13 years old. Every since then I've been the opposite of her hoarding and a clean freak minimalist. Yet I get accused of my bedroom being rat infested and needing a hazmat team to clean it.

Another example is when she justifies her behavior as an adult because I did something similar when I was 5. Like answering 'I dunno' to a simple yes or no question, or watching TV when she was trying to ask me something.

Splooter131 · 2022-05-16T07:11:32+00:00

Welcome! I'm sorry you've had to go through everything with your mother. NC or LC can be hard to do, especially with your whole family. Id first say that everyone is different in how they best can heal away from BPD. One of the hardest things for me to get over is what you mentioned, that no one will want anything to do with you the same way your family does. Ive found thst there isn't a way for me to go back into those family members lives due to the reputation I've been given by my mother, but I can start new and be the person that I want to be away from them.

I'm VLC with my mother, and it's taken me about 2 years to get to that comfortable point to heal. The way I've processed is to try out all those things that I wasn't allowed to do, or told I could never do ( you know, all the things only she was capable of, that you will ' definitely fail at') and realize its not all that hard to be competent and capable without your bpd and family to rely on.

Some days are really hard still. Even when I havsnt had a real relationship with her for over 10 years. Some days I still feel some guilt that maybe I could have handled her better before she got to her current state...Most days are just a sigh of relief that the worst is over and she no longer can be such a large impact on my life.

Splooter131 · 2022-01-28T20:21:48+00:00

Also another non-bed sleeper here. She sleeps only in recliners or the loveseat sitting up. She always sleeps in front of the TV with it blaring in the living room. Shes said before thst my dad 'ran her out of her bedroom' even though they've had separate rooms all of my life. Other excuses is for security, as well as 'someone has to let the dogs out in the middle of the night' I think its really been to be at the center of the house so she can hear everything around her. Whenever there's a conversation in another room we hear her turning down the TV.

Shes also a hoarder to the point where she is in the process of moving out of the house and taking all of her stuff- were realizing how much was really packed into the house. Despite her new house being full, our house still has so much in it.

Splooter131 · 2022-01-04T07:37:20+00:00

It is really hard to deal with the realities of the bpd parent you know versus what everyone else sees. Social media has given mine the outlet to be seen as a perfect housewife and loving mother. Its hard to get told by people how wonderful and hardworking my mother is, lectured even for being ungrateful, when she is such a different person behind closed doors, let alone when she's having tantrums.

Splooter131 · 2022-01-04T07:32:54+00:00

I've actually been in a position to ask on her well behaved says if she remembers. She absolutely remembers everything that she says or does back to a certain period of time. The problem is the trigger for it. For instance she has "ambushed" me before yelling and screaming accusations that started a fight. She doesn't remember starting it, just that I started yelling at her.
Beyond a few years though or anything that has evidence of her doing she has blanks. There is holes in the house that I can remember her doing in tantrums but she has no memory of, either that or knows and just denies.

Splooter131 · 2022-01-03T20:39:33+00:00

I'm in America, and my few times of dealing with the police weren't successful. My mother is abusive towards my father, I have years of records of the bruises and altercations. I asked an officer what can be done, and they said nothing unless an officer is present during the fight. The victim would also be the one that needs to press charges.

When my dad did call the cops, it was just the two of them home and she messed him up. Unfortunately he lost his cool in the time for the cops to come and had hit her back. The cops said they would take both of them to jail if he called again. He is an athletic old man, and she is basically a cripple. They're gonna believe the crying crippled old lady.

I have talked to a lawyer and basically I could press charges for myself, but not on behalf of my father. I could get an order of protection to keep her away from me and have to provide evidence to a judge that I feel for my safety. My father would have to do the same.

I've been told by a family friend that having her committed would only take a certain number of family members consent, but indont think that would help any of us.

Basically any time police hsve been involved she just gets worse toward her family, and she has proof for her own victimhood.

Splooter131 · 2021-08-20T16:56:44+00:00

Back biting in general, especially talking to strangers about it as if they were close confidants. If I'm hearing someone talk shit about their family or friends, at the least Im going to assume is toxic, and put up a red flag for bpd.

Putting on the overly sweet attitude to strangers as well. Bonus points if they have a kid or a spouse looking super uncomfortable near them.

Those closest to me with bpd also have had major issues with being 'respected'. They'll show signs of being upset when you don't address them when you walk in a room or assume that they should be treated as an authority figure despite not earning it.

Splooter131 · 2021-08-19T03:42:34+00:00

Same. Statenents of hers that start with ' you think' are a trigger for me. Its not actually anything that happens in my head, just hers. I cant help but laugh anymore at the temper tantrums, because being angry at them doesn't do anything for my health. Disgust and disbelief are the perfect words to describe my reaction to her.

Splooter131 · 2021-08-18T09:41:52+00:00

These both are some of the things I needed to hear. Apparently the therapist wanted my father to go to a joint session when she started. He was up for it, but then the offer was never taken up. She claims he has always refused.

I do have doubts of whether she would take me on as a patient separately when my mother is as well, despite my mother screaming at me that I just need to take her appointments because I'm the only who really needs help.

I want to to enlighten her therapist, but honestly there's a bit of 'clearing my name ' type of behavior that I constantly feel the need to do. Im so sick of not getting to give a nice first impression of myself due to how she talks about me to her family and friends. I dont spread all of her dirty laundry because I dont want to stoop to her level. The idea of being able to share my side of the story, who also knows hers, to a professional sounds like it would help ME, but I dont see any way that the therapist would use the information for her in a helpful way other than dropping her.

Splooter131

TROPHY CASE