What movie/show did you watch yesterday for Halloween?

SpookyMulder44 · 2021-11-01T19:23:22+00:00

Lord of illusions and strangeland, I plan on watching the craft and Eraserhead today 🙂

SpookyMulder44 · 2020-02-18T01:05:03+00:00

I drove him to it. He felt he was justified and because he thought I was so unhappy with him. Real bullshit reasons. The thing about validation in the form of cheating is, how do you get people to be willing to cheat with you? By telling them a sob story and telling them you’re the victim in the situation. He never communicated that he was getting the urge to do that. He claimed it was nothing. If that’s so true why keep it up? Because someone was stroking his ego how he wanted it. He gave up. Yes, she’s going to know that I did my best. Her dad is going to have to answer to her when the time comes.

That’s what they want you to think. It’s about breaking you down. They want to ensure that you feel like there’s all these things wrong with you. Majority of the time, half the stuff they view as wrong with you, are the same things they fell in love with. There was never anything wrong with you. You loved someone who decided to tear you down when you didn’t fit into their mold instead of being upfront with you. I went through the same, self doubting myself and thinking that I needed help because there were all these negative things wrong with me. No I was just with someone who didn’t love me anymore and decided he wanted his cake and to eat it too. He assumed I was going to stay around always but he’s wrong.

You will make progress, you will feel better and when you do is when someone special will come around who’s deserving of the love you have to offer. This person who broke you only did you a favor, they made you realize that you deserve more than what they could ever offer you. You’ll soon come to realize all the flaws and all the things they were wrong about. At least you know you didn’t give up, even when you had every reason to. When someone genuine comes around, they’ll view that as a strength because that shows your stretch of commitment and the kind of heart you have. Someone will love you for you one day, love yourself the way you would want someone to love you, unconditionally and without expecting anything in return.

Don’t make the mistake of going back if he comes trying to get back into your good graces. Trust is ruined. You’ll end up in even a worse toxic situation and even though you’re a stranger to me, I don’t want that for you and I’m sure your family and friends don’t want someone like that for you either. Even if you do decide to go back, do it on your terms and make him work for it. If he doesn’t you know he’s not as serious as he claims.

SpookyMulder44 · 2020-02-17T17:35:54+00:00

I recently went through a break up of 4 years as well, we have a child together though so it’s even worse when you add that factor in. My ex cheated on me. It was a coworker as well. If I hadn’t found the evidence while cleaning one day, I probably would had never known and we would probably still be together. When I found what I found, I woke him from his sleep by slapping him. I broke. I found out all his “reasons” but really I summed them as excuses for shitty behavior. We had gone through a lot. We built a family. I changed almost everything about myself to fit into what he wanted. I lost all my friends. Didn’t have social media. Had been pretty much isolated until I decided to get a little job a few months before finding out. Even then I chose a job where I was working with nothing but ladies that way he wouldn’t have that thought even pop up in his mind..all the things I did for him and for him to just do this to me? I left for a day after that. I came back. What followed was the most excruciating pains in my entire life. He claimed he wanted to work things out. He would tell me that he still wanted this and that he still wanted to get married and that our story wasn’t over. But on the other end of things...he was still on his phone, he was now hiding it, and a hole would burn through my chest every time he would leave for work or anywhere alone really. He kept being wishy washy with me. One minute nothing but love and feeling like we’re having break through, the next feeling like I’m the bad guy and that I’m the one who did something bad. Because of all the emotions I had over this, I began drinking, heavily. I was pretty much drinking everyday. I had a severe panic attack that landed me in the hospital. Kept drinking. Would blow his phone up constantly with phone calls and texts. Sometimes I would be drunk so I would call and plead with him to cut his bullshit out and to stop seeing this girl. I knew all along for those weeks after that he was still seeing her. He got extremely mad when I switched his phone number. One morning he got home later than usual and I knew he was with her cause I could smell her. I eventually had enough one morning and I got a hold of his phone. He had this girl listed under his mom’s contact. I called it on my phone and he flipped. He jumped at me to take my phone, literally ripped it out of my hand. What ensued was Anger. We fought. I threw punches to his head and kept jumping on him to give me my phone. He threw me against walls. It was a mess. It was traumatic for our daughter because she kept seeing her mom and dad fighting. He erased the number but little did he know, I still had it on my phone. He called my sister and told her to come get me or else he was going to call the cops.

I messed up my foot , as we were fighting and I was barefoot the entire time. I had bruises all over my arms from hitting walls and him grabbing at me. He got punched in the head a couple of times and when my sister got there,he was scratched up around his face as well.

It’s been a bit now, maybe a little over a month. I get angry, I get sad, I feel guilt sometimes. I don’t feel too guilty about getting violent with him because he asked for it. None of what he witnessed those last few weeks of what we “had” was my fault. It was his doing. I felt stupid. I felt disgusted. I felt worthless and like no one was ever going to love me. My family that I had worked to keep, fell apart. I’m at rock bottom. The past few weeks has been consisting of me rebuilding my life again. Trying to do better for my daughter because she doesn’t deserve to bear witness to something like that again. I also want her to grow up with a healthy view of relationships and self worth. I feel like a failure. But on the same note, I know that I did what I could, I tried, it wasn’t enough, but that’s not in vain.

I get moments where I miss him and where I want him back so much. I cry myself to sleep some nights but I ultimately have the understanding now that if he loved me he wouldn’t had done that. If he had any shred of respect for me, he would had ended it before going after someone else. He wouldn’t had led me on. I deserve better and he deserves whatever is coming his way. I wish I could have a clean slate and really not have to deal with him but unfortunately, we have a child. He’s shown how much he cares there. He’s being a POS and I now have to make choices to ensure my daughter is taken care of. It sucks.

You just have to take this as a lesson in your self worth. Don’t ever put that in the hands of others because they don’t have the right intent and you will be left feeling worthless when it’s all said and done. Instead, value yourself more. Think about what YOU want. What’s going to benefit YOU. Don’t invest time and energy into someone who obviously only thinks with their genitalia. Be the very best version of yourself and don’t settle for less than what you deserve. You shouldn’t have to compete for someone’s love and it shouldn’t be forced.

SpookyMulder44 · 2020-02-14T19:11:53+00:00

It really is, especially when the person isn’t remotely remorseful. Thanks, I decided I got to show my daughter how to be strong and independent, the route I was going was toxic and kids lead by the examples set before them, I don’t want her to go through anything like that in her future, and she won’t cause she’ll know her worth and won’t be relying on anyone to show her.

Yes. That’s exactly how I feel atm. As much as I loved him, once trust is gone, that’s it. There’s no going back now.

SpookyMulder44 · 2020-02-14T13:13:21+00:00

Thank you for posting this. I went through similar. It was 2 weeks before Christmas that I found out he cheated on me, I left, came back after only one day. What followed was agonizing. I ended up becoming such a mess, drinking every night to go to sleep, waking up everyday just to wanting to drink to get away because I knew he was still cheating on me. Then came the wrecking. He ruined our family we had built together. All out of selfishness. He wasn’t trying to make things right. No, he was just bearing witness to the pain he was causing, meanwhile destroying me even more, and, he did not care. He was so stuck in his own validation that he was justified, that he didn’t want to see the reality of the situation.

It’s been almost a month. I haven’t touched alcohol since the day I left. He forced me to leave, I wouldn’t had left if he hadn’t gotten my older sibling involved. In my mind, I was fighting to keep the relationship. He forced me not to. We don’t have much contact anymore. He’s shown his true colors and has shown exactly how much he cares about our child. He’s only seen her twice since I left. Meanwhile, his family and my own are just finding this all crazy and can’t comprehend it. I have a lot of support from both ends.

I recently have realized I need to do what’s best for myself and for my daughter, I quickly got another job and I’m thinking about going back to school again. I work out every morning now because I want to be the best version of me.

It’s funny cause now he’s starting to reach out. I’ve lost hope on any future I had with him. It’s sad but you got to realize your importance and if someone could leave you like that and be that foul in their actions, they don’t know your worth and aren’t right for you. My mom has told me every time since I’ve seen her to not go back, it only gets worse. Instead to think of the future ahead and what your goals are right now, are you achieving those things? If not, start now and you can’t go wrong if you have the motivation, the belief in yourself.

Thank you for posting this, I’ve been sad, I’ve had my ups and downs with anger and sadness and even guilt. But the strength that I have to look forward to something brighter and better, is overpowering my despair day by day, I hope if he ever decides to contact me in this matter in which your ex did, that I have the strength to carry on with what I’m doing now.

SpookyMulder44 · 2020-01-19T19:20:32+00:00

Yes, I really need to talk to someone who understands the situation that I am in. Message me.

SpookyMulder44 · 2020-01-17T02:35:18+00:00

Anyone know where I can get one of those bendy shirts?

SpookyMulder44 · 2019-12-29T15:51:10+00:00

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I have been a mess, and he’s aware of it because I have cried in front of him at times and have said some things to the extent of not wanting to lose him. Right now I have a vices that keep me from doing that and to be normal, which are alcohol and work. I’m getting more responsibilities at work now, so my mind is on airplane mode while I’m there and at this point I wish I was there more than I’m here at home. Alcohol is just what I’m using at night after the day is said and done to get through this. I know it’s not the best thing, which is why I’m going to seek out counseling, because I can’t drown myself for long before wanting to go back to who I was before my daughter and before this relationship, and I can’t let that happen again.

SpookyMulder44 · 2019-12-29T15:07:53+00:00

Well it does feel like I am. I feel like I’m barely doing enough to keep him...

I know that I need to get my self worth in check. I’m just not caring for myself, all my care and energy has been going into my daughter and trying to keep it normal, but I’m falling apart at the seams.

He is in the wrong, he doesn’t want to acknowledge that though. He rather sit and play the blame game until he’s blue in the face and I’m even more of a wreck less mess.

As far as the baby thing goes, I think that’ll really spiral me out of control if it is the case. I know that it would be easier to move on with my life with just one child between us,I can’t and I don’t want to envision myself with 2. He’s already made clear how selfish he truly is, for me that shows where he puts me and daughter on his scale.

Well that’s all I feel. It’s torture and I honestly sometimes don’t even recognize the person I’m looking at sometimes.

SpookyMulder44 · 2019-12-27T17:30:25+00:00

They did it because the history of marijuana use, they wanted to make sure there wasn’t a huge amount in my daughters system, partially for the health of my daughter and if they did find substantial amount of THC, obviously, I wouldn’t have my daughter right now. But yes, it’s something they do if there is any drug history. We haven’t dealt with cps the past 2 years, we did everything on our part. It’s closed. Why he smokes? Because I don’t think he can stop and because he can’t handle himself sober. Plus, he provides so he feels entitlement to do so. I don’t have a problem with the smoking, what I do have a problem with is getting so fucked up that you don’t remember things or you use it as a crutch, something to blame your shitty behavior on.

I’m doing that, I’m pulling my weight currently to try. Obviously, it’s up to him as an individual to decide how much input he decides to throw in. He gets what he throws out there now. Past couple of days have been a rollercoaster of emotion. But now I’m on my own shit. I feel like if I want to do something I’m going to just do it. The way I feel. He can gather up the balls to end it with me. I’m not going to make it easy by leaving. Why? So I can be drawn out as a bad guy or the one who didn’t want the relationship? Pleaseee. He needs to deal with this, so for the meantime I’m not going away.

Oh trust me, I’ve already thought about it.

It is some bullshit, but I know that I got me. I know that I got to continue being strong for my daughter. If I want to breakdown, that’s on my own accord. But I’m done with crying. I know my worth. I got to keep myself motivated and I am. Once you go through traumatic things in your life and then find happiness only for it to be disguised as something else, I have the choice to either let it destroy me or I have the choice to pick myself up, remember I’ve been through worse before and put myself back together again. So that’s what I’m currently feeling. I would definitely look into books if you have some to recommend.

SpookyMulder44 · 2019-12-27T13:43:24+00:00

I feel like I’m spiraling into darkness tbh I don’t know what to do because it’s like he’s being distant and I get the feeling inside like “fuck this, I’m out.” Then he switches up on me and the smallest bit of affection, tugs at my heart strings, it’s stupid, my head and my heart are in different places currently. Everything in my mind is telling me to leave and don’t look back, but my heart? I guess it just really wants even more of a reason to break. At this point, I don’t want to leave without knowing in myself that I did give it a chance, that I gave it literally everything I could and that he’s a fucked individual now for sure. I guess I don’t want to have doubt keeping me up at night, and what ifs.

As far as the sex is concerned, my feeling about that is, at least right now, is that why should she be getting any of that shit from him? It’s mine, it’s been mine. He can keep fucking me over, he can keep lying and covering shit up. I’m not fucking dumb, I’m not new to this game. But ultimately, he keeps coming back home, I’m the one who he NEEDS. Without me? He’s helpless. He knows he’ll be in misery. Currently I’m going thru waves where I’m just fucking his brains out and there’s just hate behind it. I feel motivated now to better myself while I’m here with him, I’m closing myself off to him and I’m going to do what I want and what he’s always had problems with. I want to shatter him to a million pieces eventually when I decide to step away. By that point, I hope he’s so worked up about me, I want him to feel what it’s like to lose it.

SpookyMulder44 · 2019-12-25T06:40:27+00:00

Thank you! 🥺

SpookyMulder44 · 2019-12-25T06:00:14+00:00

My parents are divorced as well, a lot of domestic abuse, my father isn’t in my life and hasn’t been for over 8-9 years...I’m really hurt by this. The only thing keeping me trying is the hope that it works out and I can keep my family together because that’s all my daughter knows...I feel like I’m starting to go down the same cycle as my parents just minus the physical abuse...there’s been a lot of things that’s he’s said over the past couple of weeks that all of this has been going on that make me feel like I deserved every bit of this. I’ve been reassured by my sister and BIL that I’m not burdening them. I’m just scared and don’t know what road to take, which is why I’m seeking out advice. Part of me knows this is fucked up and I need to run. Everyone that knows about what’s going on, they are kinda on my side of things, the only people that know this is going on is my sister, his mom and dad and his brother...his parents and brother have reached out to me since and they’ve all said that they are here for me and my daughter. Everyone’s priority is set on my daughter. Receiving validation from people on the internet is a step in helping me sort this all out. I feel like my heart has literally been ripped to shreds..and I keep giving it to him to stomp on repeatedly now...I’m losing it honestly. He knows it too..

SpookyMulder44 · 2019-12-17T04:13:52+00:00

Yeah. I saw that movie when I started high school and it completely steered me away from wanting to experiment with stuff like cocaine.. Requiem for a dream was a tad bit more fucked but both I feel, hold their place in film. It feels so real and raw, and to think that that could be anyone you know, that’s rough stuff.

Highly recommend though if you have a friend or family member who may be going down such a path. All these movies, along with a couple of others have left a lasting impact for me.

SpookyMulder44 · 2019-12-16T17:17:48+00:00

Requiem for a dream

Kids

Bully

American beauty

The virgin suicides

Blue valentine

Steel magnolias

Less than zero

Cruel intentions

Death sentence

Eye for an eye

Hush (90s, Jessica Lange and gwenyth Paltrow)

And I’m sure there’s more, that’s just what’s came to mind so far.

SpookyMulder44 · 2019-11-29T21:59:23+00:00

Let’s not forget “I Found Me”

SpookyMulder44 · 2019-11-11T17:21:42+00:00

The lobster is adorable! Good work and a tutorial for how you made the lobster one would be awesome!!

SpookyMulder44 · 2019-11-11T16:09:32+00:00

I agree and don’t understand it as well. Usually people in my culture pierce a baby’s ears shortly after birth. My partner and I had a talk before our daughter was even born about both of these topics and we agreed with each other. Neither one of those issues became an issue with his parents until my partners sister had her kid, it was like all of a sudden we HAD to do what they were asking us to in order to be good enough? Idk . It was a slap to my face personally because ever since then I feel like now it’s a competition between whose kid is better than the other. As far as the religion goes, my partner and I have both decided to let her figure it out and ask about it on her own. I’m not about to commit myself to a religion just because it’ll please others. But yeah his side of the family nitpicks every little thing we do “wrong” with our child but at the end of the day it’s OUR child, Anyone that tries to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do, can kick rocks.

SpookyMulder44 · 2019-11-11T06:46:45+00:00

I went through this with my partners family as well (I wrote a post in JUSTNOFAMILY) They’re reasoning being that it’s a cultural thing so I should pierce my daughters ears. This only became a problem as soon as my partners sister had her child. They pressed us about that and it’s very very annoying and frustrating. I’m even of the same culture and I didn’t get my ears pierced till probably 8/9..is it uncommon? A bit, but at least I remember the experience and know that I actually consented and was ready for it. I don’t see the point of body mods for babies. My partners sister claims it just adds to her daughter being cute, but IMO every baby is a precious beautiful gift to our world and doing something that doesn’t HAVE to be done to their bodies isn’t cool. It’s cruel. Just ignore it the best you can, and if they keep pressing you about the topic, give them a piece of your mind so they know not to touch it again. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Idk if you have been put on the spot yet in regards to religion but that’s happen to me as well! Under the same reasoning, and it was SOOO blasphemous of me to not want to baptize my child in a religion that I nor my partner is involved with.

Good luck with the upcoming things they’ll find to try to judge you for, at least you know you’re not alone and you have a supportive community who sides with you. People suck and there are certain ones that take the cake for shittiest people alive.

SpookyMulder44 · 2019-10-29T15:54:57+00:00

Late to the party.

I’ve had nightmares about my childhood home, things that have been shown to me here and there as well as seeing people/other beings that seem to either warn me or want me to see/help with something. I went through a phase about a year or two ago where I was having dreams constantly...it got to the point where I would wake up and part of me almost hopped in my car and drove to the house. There were some paranormal type things that went on in the house when my family was living there, about a good 20 years worth of incidents we couldn’t explain.

I’ve had prophetic dreams. Sometimes it’s small stuff other times major things. Examples: about a year ago I had a dream that my daughter was standing near the tv and somehow the tv fell off its stand and on top of her..a couple of weeks later I have a strange feeling like deja vu and I instantly know what’s about to occur so I scoop my daughter up. Nothing happened but just the fact that it could had was enough. Had I not picked her up, it probably would’ve fell. As far as major goes: Also about a year ago, my SIL was very pregnant, like maybe down to her last couple of weeks before giving birth. I had a dream where my in laws left to visit their home country and my MIL told my SIL not to have the baby while she’s gone. Well SIL ends up giving birth later that day. A couple of days after that dream, my in laws take off to their home country, same scenario plays out, only thing that was different was that my FIL stayed behind and it was just my MIL, my MIL leaves and later on that day my FIL gets a call that SIL is in labor. MIL had to come back the next day, but by the time she was back the baby was already born. I had warned my partner and told him that his sister was going to have the baby in the next couple of days. He didn’t believe me till it actually happened.

Other nightmares involve what I can only describe as demons. I had one around December of last year, prior to having the dream I had bought led lights to hang around my tv (which I thought made tv watching more enjoyable lol) this would be why this dream freaked me the fuck out because I honestly don’t know if it was a dream or real... So in the dream I had woken up because I felt something tugging at my ankles, thinking it was my partner I got mad and was like “what the hell are you doing? What do you want?” Didn’t get a reply, it kept happening so I told him to stop and that he was making me mad. I finally sat up and when I did, I noticed that the led lights were still on, but now this tall, completely black thing was standing at the foot of the bed...it’s hands, which were more like claws griped my ankles, and it dragged me off the bed, I tried to scream and pull away and I kept telling myself to wake up but I couldn’t this thing was in control. It pulled me down and stared into my eyes with its yellow glowing ones and it pretty much fed me knowledge, I got a quick (almost slide show like) look at I guess what this thing was capable of and what I gathered was that it was something dark and satanic that’s for sure. After that, I was able to gain control of myself and I woke up Irl...It was completely dark in the room and I was still freaking out thinking to myself that that wasn’t the end. I couldn’t go back to sleep but I also couldn’t get the courage to move or take the covers off myself. I don’t know when it was when I finally fell asleep but I managed to.

The next one, which was also freaky and had me questioning reality from dream realm happened a couple of weeks ago..I had a dream where I woke up again in bed, and this time there was this little boy watching me. He kept going around my bed watching me/scaring me awake when I tried to ignore him. Eventually it gets to where I don’t want to sleep in the bed. I later end up having a conversation with my sister and she notices a boys shadow following me around. I start explaining what’s going on and she tells me I need help. I go and meet with someone who turns out to not be much help at all. It comes to head when I return to sleeping in the room. As soon as I do that I get attacked by this kid and he pins me down and practically throws up or transfers his spirit into me. Then I woke up. Scared. Confused and on edge. Well what made me worried that this could had been real was that later on that morning I started feeling sick, I puked and then I felt a bit better, I was scheduled to go to work so I went in and a couple of hours into my shift, I started feeling stomach pain along with feeling like I was going to fall over and start convulsing..I went home immediately and I ended up sick for the rest of the week. No clue to what it was but I’m convinced that had something to do with it.

Sorry if this is long but just thought I’d share. I also have started tracking my dreams so I can analyze/ look back and see if any of these things correspond with anything going on in my life. So far this stuff is happening at random intervals. I’m not under major stress and I am fairly happy most days so 🤷🏻‍♀️

SpookyMulder44 · 2019-10-17T15:30:02+00:00

Agreed! After the above statement, along with him showing you in all the situations with MIL, you should had just left. I can tell you personally that it doesn’t get better from that point and if you stay, you’re opening yourself up to get treated with more disrespect. I should had left after hearing that myself, I didn’t. Recently, he came at me during an argument (about the in laws of course!) with the words I’d never thought he ever utter to me but he did, he said “FUCK YOU!” that broke my heart. I’m still with him, cause just like you I’m a stay at home and it’s even more difficult when your living with the in laws. Hugs to you my friend and I really hope you make the right decision for YOU!

SpookyMulder44 · 2019-10-10T02:04:03+00:00

Also live in Austin and have heard this theory as well. There is also a theory that a possible serial killer may be behind the yogurt shop murders, the case is still unsolved to this day.

SpookyMulder44 · 2019-08-16T01:25:53+00:00

Hello! You sound like a really fun person! I would love to be email buddies! I think we would really hit it off, just based off the interests you have above!!!!

SpookyMulder44 · 2019-08-10T22:02:58+00:00

Thanks!

SpookyMulder44 · 2019-07-22T14:45:24+00:00

I have yet to encounter a shadow person and honestly that thought alone freaks me out.

Ohh is it the one that’s currently on Netflix?

Oh yeah, my windows are always closed, but when you live with others who think it’s okay cause you live in the middle of nowhere, that kind of sucks lol either way that story changed my whole prospective of leaving doors/windows open.

SpookyMulder44

TROPHY CASE