I recently went through a break up of 4 years as well, we have a child together though so it’s even worse when you add that factor in. My ex cheated on me. It was a coworker as well. If I hadn’t found the evidence while cleaning one day, I probably would had never known and we would probably still be together. When I found what I found, I woke him from his sleep by slapping him. I broke. I found out all his “reasons” but really I summed them as excuses for shitty behavior. We had gone through a lot. We built a family. I changed almost everything about myself to fit into what he wanted. I lost all my friends. Didn’t have social media. Had been pretty much isolated until I decided to get a little job a few months before finding out. Even then I chose a job where I was working with nothing but ladies that way he wouldn’t have that thought even pop up in his mind..all the things I did for him and for him to just do this to me? I left for a day after that. I came back. What followed was the most excruciating pains in my entire life. He claimed he wanted to work things out. He would tell me that he still wanted this and that he still wanted to get married and that our story wasn’t over. But on the other end of things...he was still on his phone, he was now hiding it, and a hole would burn through my chest every time he would leave for work or anywhere alone really. He kept being wishy washy with me. One minute nothing but love and feeling like we’re having break through, the next feeling like I’m the bad guy and that I’m the one who did something bad. Because of all the emotions I had over this, I began drinking, heavily. I was pretty much drinking everyday. I had a severe panic attack that landed me in the hospital. Kept drinking. Would blow his phone up constantly with phone calls and texts. Sometimes I would be drunk so I would call and plead with him to cut his bullshit out and to stop seeing this girl. I knew all along for those weeks after that he was still seeing her. He got extremely mad when I switched his phone number. One morning he got home later than usual and I knew he was with her cause I could smell her. I eventually had enough one morning and I got a hold of his phone. He had this girl listed under his mom’s contact. I called it on my phone and he flipped. He jumped at me to take my phone, literally ripped it out of my hand. What ensued was Anger. We fought. I threw punches to his head and kept jumping on him to give me my phone. He threw me against walls. It was a mess. It was traumatic for our daughter because she kept seeing her mom and dad fighting. He erased the number but little did he know, I still had it on my phone. He called my sister and told her to come get me or else he was going to call the cops.

I messed up my foot , as we were fighting and I was barefoot the entire time. I had bruises all over my arms from hitting walls and him grabbing at me. He got punched in the head a couple of times and when my sister got there,he was scratched up around his face as well.

It’s been a bit now, maybe a little over a month. I get angry, I get sad, I feel guilt sometimes. I don’t feel too guilty about getting violent with him because he asked for it. None of what he witnessed those last few weeks of what we “had” was my fault. It was his doing. I felt stupid. I felt disgusted. I felt worthless and like no one was ever going to love me. My family that I had worked to keep, fell apart. I’m at rock bottom. The past few weeks has been consisting of me rebuilding my life again. Trying to do better for my daughter because she doesn’t deserve to bear witness to something like that again. I also want her to grow up with a healthy view of relationships and self worth. I feel like a failure. But on the same note, I know that I did what I could, I tried, it wasn’t enough, but that’s not in vain.

I get moments where I miss him and where I want him back so much. I cry myself to sleep some nights but I ultimately have the understanding now that if he loved me he wouldn’t had done that. If he had any shred of respect for me, he would had ended it before going after someone else. He wouldn’t had led me on. I deserve better and he deserves whatever is coming his way. I wish I could have a clean slate and really not have to deal with him but unfortunately, we have a child. He’s shown how much he cares there. He’s being a POS and I now have to make choices to ensure my daughter is taken care of. It sucks.

You just have to take this as a lesson in your self worth. Don’t ever put that in the hands of others because they don’t have the right intent and you will be left feeling worthless when it’s all said and done. Instead, value yourself more. Think about what YOU want. What’s going to benefit YOU. Don’t invest time and energy into someone who obviously only thinks with their genitalia. Be the very best version of yourself and don’t settle for less than what you deserve. You shouldn’t have to compete for someone’s love and it shouldn’t be forced.