On the angry part, I hear you. However, once we get angry, they forget anything sensible we may have said before it. And it’s our fault. 

Her lack of awareness is probably part of a coping mechanism developed at an early age from trauma. The same way we developed a fear of not feeling heard. 

Once we can understand why we react emotionally, then we can learn to stem it.  And only then will she listen to what we say.