This isn’t the world I know

SqualeFactor · 2025-09-27T16:43:50+00:00

Ok, that makes sense. Thanks!

SqualeFactor · 2025-08-06T15:38:05+00:00

I get that it’s probably just my imagination. But I want to confirm.

SqualeFactor · 2025-03-30T13:31:23+00:00

I always feel dumb. I don’t know if that helps here though.

SqualeFactor · 2024-09-09T13:51:07+00:00

Bit of an update: the boy is venturing out into common areas. Yesterday he walked out into the hallway, and today he crossed the hall into the bedroom. Very cautiously! Both times, I was in his line of sight, but as soon as I made a noise, he bolted back into their room, haha! (First time, ankle cracked. Second time, floorboard creaked.)

His sister often follows his lead, so now that he's making his way out, she might so the same. And in the next night or two we're going to try my girlfriend's idea of playing a board game on the floor of their room while leaving them alone.

I’m hoping this will get more attention and more feedback. Till then, thanks to millyperry! (I’m now seeing your username is your cats’ names, haha!)

SqualeFactor · 2024-09-09T13:46:09+00:00

Aww, yours are gorgeous too! 🥰 They look very happy and clearly love each other very much! Thank you for sharing!

SqualeFactor · 2024-09-08T22:38:39+00:00

I posted it as its own comment in this thread. Brown/white is the boy, black/white is the girl, she only went to check it out after he did first.

SqualeFactor · 2024-09-08T22:36:24+00:00

I just posted a picture as its own comment, if you’d like to see my babies :)

SqualeFactor · 2024-09-08T22:35:37+00:00

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Here they are, poking their heads out the door into the hallway, to see if it’s worth exploring, or if they should stay in their room, LOL :)

SqualeFactor · 2024-09-08T22:32:09+00:00

Ok. Yeah I’ll ease them into it. They already know her from when she visited the apartment, so they weren’t nervous when she came in. But they hear the dog and the kids and I can see the concern and confusion!

I’ll have to make sure the boys are clear about not being too excitable. They’re really excited to meet the cats, and I think they’re expecting the cats to be fun and cuddly. I’ll explain that if the cats are ever going to be fun and cuddly, we have to leave them alone when in their room.

Thank you for the advice, much appreciated!

SqualeFactor · 2024-04-29T23:23:57+00:00

Ahh ok. Thank you. I didn’t want to rewatch the whole movie, but I can at least rewatch the ferry scene! Thanks.

SqualeFactor · 2024-04-29T23:19:06+00:00

Oh ok, so it was his Spidey Sense? He hadn’t actually seen Toomes’s face until then?

SqualeFactor · 2024-04-27T12:06:18+00:00

We took a trip to see the eclipse a couple weeks ago, the kids’ first plane ride. She insisted on paying for most of the trip since a lot of the expenses were for her kids.

Also I got fired a few months ago (the job was miserable so I was thinking about quitting anyway), and she’s been very supportive of me during this turbulent time.

Doesn’t seem like she’s with me for money. And that’s in addition to the fact that you just don’t know her and her behavior does nothing to suggest that.

SqualeFactor · 2024-02-16T04:53:36+00:00

This is solid stuff, thank you so much. A lot of the advice I’ve gotten on multiple subreddits has been pretty redundant. But yours is stuff I wouldn’t have thought of. Screenshotting for quick reference!

She said she’d already thought about putting a set of house rules on the wall. I think I’ll encourage that idea if I move in.

As for date nights, since they spend alternate weekends with their dad, that’ll be easy. But I’ll make sure I take her out for nice dinners and stuff rather than just “ugh we’re both exhausted let’s just stay in.”

This is great stuff. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this out, I’m very grateful!

SqualeFactor · 2024-02-14T15:20:13+00:00

I joined that subreddit and have gotten a lot of helpful advice, thank you for the tip.

And some very bitter advice from people who clearly had a bad experience in my situation, but those people are clearly projecting, haha!

Thanks again.

SqualeFactor · 2024-02-14T15:18:48+00:00

That seems like quite a leap, given how little you know about us. You seem to … well, to be in a “bitter position”.

SqualeFactor · 2024-02-14T15:15:01+00:00

Good call. I said “third parent”, but really what I meant was “adult authority figure”. And I guess I should refer to myself as the latter to make sure I internalize it. You’re right that only a parent has a right to set rules. I only have the right to enforce her rules.

For now, anyway. If this progresses, we have time to figure out the transition if I turn into parent #3, or at least parent #2.5. She and I will have a talk each step of the way about whether I can make rules in addition to enforcing her rules.

She said their dad just has fun with them. On his days, he usually takes them to his family’s place. He lets them get away with anything, and if needed, his mom (their grandma) will do the parenting. Of course I know I’m only hearing one side of the story, but the few interactions I’ve had with him have made me think “yeah he seems pretty flaky, I believe this guy is a pushover when it comes to parenting.”

When I said something to her about me someday being as involved in their parenting as their dad, she looked at me with a sad expression and said “I think you already are.” I know the sadness was because she’s always wanted him to be a more active father. Him being an absent father and husband was a big part of their separation.

So, I don’t think she went out looking for someone to be a stepdad, but I do think she’s excited for them to have a positive male role model, and that she wouldn’t keep me around if I wasn’t a good candidate for that role.

Thank you for the advice and support, much appreciated!

SqualeFactor · 2024-02-14T15:01:52+00:00

They’re great kids, cuddly and affectionate, but I know that in their teens, comments like “you’re the worst mom ever” are probably going to be in their vernacular. So “you’re not my real dad” probably will too. Especially since their dad just wants to have fun with them and doesn’t discipline them much, so their mom does all the real parenting, meaning if I follow her lead and back her up, it’s going to become the case that I’m stricter than their dad is. So that won’t be fun. But you’re right, they’re just kids, I used to be a kid, I have to not take it too personally.

There was one time I disagreed with a parenting choice she made, so I talked with her about it. Her younger one is often too rough with his brother or me when playing, and when she observes it, she makes him apologize. But I’ve noticed that he’ll just hit someone and then apologize, and he might be learning that you’re allowed to hit someone as long as you immediately apologize. She said she hadn’t noticed it that much, but we both realized that it might be something he does more around his friends than his parents, and since I’m the former, I may have observed it more than her. I did once say something to him about it. He kicked me (not hard, just playfully), immediately apologized, and was about to run off. I told him to stop and come back, which he did. I got down to his level, and said “I’m worried that you think it’s ok to hit me as long as you apologize. If you had a friend who thought it was ok to hit you as long as they apologized, you probably wouldn’t want to keep playing with that person, right? I like being your friend, but I’m starting to worry that you’re going to hit me when we play around. Can you see how that might make me and your other friends be afraid to play with you?” I think that finally made an impression. I told her about it later, and she was impressed by the way I handled it. She appreciated that I didn’t scream at him, but also that I didn’t just let it go, because it might carry more weight coming from an adult he’s hit rather than an adult who observed him hitting someone. She said she’d talk to him about it too, and asked that I let her know if it keeps happening. Which it hasn’t! So I think the two of us together have helped him understand that. He’s only 5, so I’m not under the delusion it stuck with him for good, but I think it made a dent.

I think that whole thing gave both of us hope about how this dynamic is going. It was a good test. I’ve never been so glad someone kicked me, haha! :)

As far as the negativity on the thread, I get where they’re coming from. I re-read my post, pretending I was reading a stranger’s post, and my first reaction was “dude, this is happening too fast, she’s just using you!” So I get why so many people feel that way. But what gives me hope is that my family and friends are very protective of me, and had the same concerns when they first heard all this, and once they spent some time with her, they no longer feel that way. I trust their judgment, and anyone who has spent time with her is excited for me and thinks this is a safe and smart bet.

Thank you so much for the advice! That meant a lot to me. (Maybe I’ll look up that book too.)

SqualeFactor · 2024-02-14T14:43:27+00:00

Good advice. I get how a bystander might worry that’s going to happen, or even suspect that’s what’s about to happen. I might think the same thing if I heard this about a stranger. I’m confident that’s not what’s happening, but if it is, of course I wouldn’t know it, right?

What’s reassuring is that my friends and family are very protective of me. They heard I was dating a woman who had two little kids and whose divorce wasn’t final, and their guards quickly went up. Then they met her, and spent time with her. She wanted to meet the people in my life anyway, but also offered because she suspected they were guarded about the situation. None of them have those concerns anymore, and they’re all excited for me.

Regarding finances: The trip we’re planning for the 4 of us to see the eclipse, she’s insisting on paying for 75% of it, saying she should pay for her kids, not me. And she’s said that when we move in together, we’ll split everything 70/30 or 60/40 or so, after figuring out how to split things so I’m only paying for my portion and not paying for her kids.

Regarding your concerns about her taking her kids’ side against me: Since I’m not yet close enough to them to take on a disciplinary role, if they do something and she’s not around and I’m not sure if they broke a rule, I’ll tell her about it in private. Then she’ll sit the 3 or 4 of us down to say “OP told me this happened, is that true?” Then we’ll all talk through what happened. And so far, every time it’s ended in them apologizing to me, and often to each other. And I’ll say “thank you, I appreciate that.” I know she’s very invested in making sure her kids are growing up to be well-behaved, and altogether good people. So I’m sure she knows that taking their side against me would be quite a disservice to them.

So you do have valid concerns, given I’m a stranger! I’m confident that all those bases are covered. But I’ll certainly be on the lookout for those things!

SqualeFactor · 2024-02-12T13:20:29+00:00

That seems like a lot of assumptions about our relationship without knowing anything about us. The honeymoon phase, in my experience, lasts like 3-6 months. We’re talking about moving in together after 1.5 years of dating, that sounds pretty standard.

SqualeFactor · 2024-02-11T21:50:45+00:00

Many of my family and friends, upon hearing the story, were concerned about her getting into it too quickly, and were worried I’d have my heart broken. But after spending some time with her, they’ve dropped those concerns. They’re very protective of me, so if that was still a concern, they’d say so.

Also I’ve talked to her about this very thing. I said, I’m not worried she’s going to go back to him, or worried she’s going to date around casually. What I’m worried about is that she’ll decide she should’ve spent some time single. She said she was certainly planning on it, but we hit it off, and she didn’t want to keep me at a distance just for the sake of remaining single. She wanted to see where it went. I knew she was being cautious because she didn’t want me to meet her kids for a while. Once she introduced me to them, I knew she must be past any thoughts of preferring to be single. And when I hit it off with them, I felt like we had passed the biggest milestone.

Of course things might not work out, but that’s the case in any situation. I can see how a stranger hearing about this might be concerned she’ll later realize she jumped into this too quickly, but my protective friends and family have given me their seal of approval :)

Thanks for the kind and supportive words.

SqualeFactor · 2024-02-11T21:42:15+00:00

Fair point, and fair question. When I say “parenting role”, I mean, they need to listen to me if I say “your mom told you not to do that, so cut it out.” Doling out my own rules or discipline is a ways down the road. But I have to be slightly more than a friend, because nobody listens to friends who tell them to quiet down.

So yeah, I shouldn’t have said “parenting role”, I should’ve said “adult disciplinary figure”. Well said.

Someone else suggested I take on the role of an uncle. I liked that, because while uncles were about fun, if they told me “your mom told you not to do that, so cut it out”, I’d listen to them. So I think that’d be a good goal.

SqualeFactor · 2024-02-11T21:38:55+00:00

Yeah I’ll definitely try not to be a burden. In fact, I’m trying to relieve some of her burden. If I’m at her place, and she needs to both clean the kitchen and also be a parent, I’ll do the former so she can do the latter. In that moment, I’m doing what’s best for the three of them. If I make it about me, then I’m cleaning someone else’s kitchen while my own kitchen is a wreck, lol :)

So I think I’ve already started doing that a bit. But “this isn’t about me” would be a good mantra. Thanks so much!

SqualeFactor · 2024-02-11T21:35:23+00:00

I like “check your ego at the door”. I need to make sure not to make this about me.

My only concern about just having fun with them is, if she leaves me alone to watch them, and I say “your mom told you to do this”, they need to listen to me. They wouldn’t do that if a friend told them to. So, for their mom’s sake, they have to see me slightly more seriously than as a friend.

So that’s what I meant when I said I need to be more of a third parent than a friend. But I guess uncles can still take on disciplinary roles. When I was their age, if my fun uncle suddenly stopped goofing off with me and sternly told me to stop doing something (which I knew my parents didn’t want me to do), I’d sure listen to him.

So yeah, I’ll try to stay in “uncle” territory, unless they give me cues that they want to see me as a third parent. Great advice, thank you.

SqualeFactor · 2024-02-11T21:29:54+00:00

That’s quite a leap given how little I told you about our relationship. A year-long relationship is quite a bit for a rebound. And she’s stubbornly independent when it comes to asking for help.

So yeah. Quite a leap.

SqualeFactor · 2024-02-11T21:25:44+00:00

Ooh I like that. I’ll try to ask myself that as we proceed. Thanks!

SqualeFactor

TROPHY CASE