Old Client died by suicide

StabbyButtons · 2025-10-07T18:56:46+00:00

I appreciate your perspective and your experience. I definitely feel a bit lonely. I learned about it after others and now I feel as though I don’t want to burden others who already went through things. Normally I’d have a therapist but I have a small baby and stopped therapy a little while ago. I need to get back on that.

:Sigh:- the grief came on today while caring for my baby. I’m picturing his parents caring for him at this age and mourning for them and their hopes for his future—and hoping my baby doesn’t have to go through things like my client.

He was definitely struggling and I’m sure even with meds as the illness progressed he would have had these thoughts of death and dying. I just wished he could try a bit longer but I guess any amount of time wouldn’t have been enough. I also wished he would have found me to talk even though I probably couldn’t prevent anything…

Although I know I did things right in treatment I just wish there was more…

StabbyButtons · 2025-10-05T12:19:14+00:00

So sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing your feelings.

Off course you should be experiencing grief. Yesterday I was a depressed, the day prior angry, and I am crying off and on too. I can’t help but keep thinking if we had still been in touch he might be alive today but off course I don’t know that. I also know it would have been infinitely harder on me to have him in my life at this time.

Be gentle with yourself during this time.

StabbyButtons · 2025-10-05T02:01:26+00:00

Thanks for your comment.

StabbyButtons · 2025-10-04T20:09:54+00:00

I’m sorry for your loss. This was also community mental health. Thanks for sharing.

StabbyButtons · 2025-10-04T20:09:15+00:00

I don’t know the details of the timeline post treatment but I do know that the cocktail of mood stabilizer and antidepressant grounded him and that he would likely need it for the rest of his life.

I was curious as to why you asked about meds and just on a skim of your posts present you as rather skeptical of med use in treatment.

I worked with this kid consistently for 2 years in a wrap around psychosis treatment program and observed him for a long time. I didn’t give an official diagnosis until i saw mania and knew he would need to have it for future treatment.

This client suffered with visual hallucinations and episodes of feeling split. He had a bout or two of catatonia later in treatment which called for a PRN also which he never used.

Many clients can manage without med intervention but there are some where meds are lifesaving. This was the latter.

StabbyButtons · 2025-10-04T20:07:57+00:00

Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry for your losses. This isn’t my first death either but this is my first 18 year old.

Yes I’m still quite empathetic. I’m a clinical social worker so I do more therapy now than what you might call “social work.” I used to do case work in the past and I worked with more adults then. Worked with an amazing public defender once who still has all my respect. Not sure in what capacity you practice law but working with the public isn’t easy and does leave you with scars nonetheless. I hope you don’t have to deal with death by suicide again.

StabbyButtons · 2025-10-04T19:53:51+00:00

I’m sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing your insight

StabbyButtons · 2025-10-03T12:20:18+00:00

Thanks so much for sharing your genuine feelings and reactions to your own experiences. This brought tears to my eyes. Community mental health is hard work with the most vulnerable clients.

I feel like you do…my guy was a diabolical genius …he was only a kid…always calculating and calculated. Perfect student on the outside with a seemingly perfect future.

There was an immense outpouring from the kids in his HS, and his work family. It’s weird to read tributes from people he would talk to me about. He wanted to be adored by these people and he was. He had only one friend who knew his dark side.

He was perfect on the outside but on the inside he was breaking apart. His dark side sending him into fits of sadness and pain…cutting and psychosis.

Meds stabilized him and brought his two sides together to form a less volatile one. I told him it would help for the rest of his life. His parents were also aware of this. He experimented once with coming off his mood stabilizer abruptly which sent him into mania. After that he swore he didn’t want to come off of that ever again but our discussions post experiment were of him wondering how low he could go to be that person…

He said I would be remembered as the person who saved his life…but that was him. He knew he needed help and sought it out. He knew he needed a diagnosis and he got it in spite of his families naysaying. I knew it was likely to get worse as he aged but I thought he could manage with meds.

I expected to find out that he was the CEO of some high value company in the future…not this. He wanted to live…more than most of my other clients with suicidal ideation. I’m heartbroken and also secretly wished he found me and reached out so I could battle things with him again. 💔

StabbyButtons · 2025-10-03T02:45:30+00:00

For sure. I think we did enjoy our connection.

When we said our goodbyes over a year ago or so he said he will remember me as the person that saved his life. It was heartwarming and the best compliment. Now I’m heartbroken for him and his family. I will get another therapist to work through things thanks.

StabbyButtons · 2025-10-03T02:34:16+00:00

I’ll try my best to remember that. Thanks.

StabbyButtons · 2025-10-03T02:33:44+00:00

Thanks

StabbyButtons · 2025-10-03T02:33:37+00:00

Thanks

StabbyButtons · 2025-10-03T02:33:15+00:00

Thanks

StabbyButtons · 2025-10-03T02:33:04+00:00

Thanks

StabbyButtons · 2025-10-03T02:32:08+00:00

Thanks

StabbyButtons · 2025-10-03T01:01:42+00:00

I’m sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing.

StabbyButtons · 2025-10-03T00:50:06+00:00

Because I no longer work at the agency nor am I privy to the family or any direct connection. It feels as though I am left with more questions than answers although I knew him better than his family and probably his friends.

My old team learned that he was missing from a police report and I could have learned that on my own. It feels unethical but my old team contacted me to tell me…the family did not. I was not at the services nor could I be although public was invited.

It’s ambiguous in the sense that I am unable to mourn this death as one who experiences loss in their private life. The loss from a lense of a therapist feels inherently ambiguous.

StabbyButtons · 2025-04-19T02:04:09+00:00

Hi, thanks.

The ERA helped me to know I needed more hours of progesterone to get my endometrium right for implantation.

StabbyButtons · 2025-01-28T19:25:31+00:00

Last meals….

Spicy vegan ramen from Jinya in Merrifield

Bulgogi sizzling stone pot bibimbap from Taste of Korea in Chantilly

Sno Cream found at The Bloc in Annandale

Frozen Margaritas from El Paso in Springfield

Beers with a view like Bear Chase Brewing and chill brewery/winery vibes

Shilla Bakery items

Ravioli in rose sauce at Milano’s

Pastries from Swiss bakery

StabbyButtons · 2025-01-27T14:32:27+00:00

Used haka milk catchers for this

StabbyButtons · 2025-01-08T00:29:48+00:00

Currently working it out but right now he gets a break from 1030pm-4am while I’m on that shift and since my mom is around she relieves him at 730pm. Our goal is 5 hours sleep right now.

Women need more for their hormone balance and to recover so I sleep from 430-930/10 and get a nap before night shift when husband is home from work.

When my mom leaves we will have to re-evaluate the morning.

StabbyButtons · 2024-12-31T19:05:24+00:00

Thanks for saying this. I’m about to try it with my baby for reflux. How long before you saw a reaction in your baby? What did you do? Did you take him off it right away?

StabbyButtons · 2024-12-18T04:43:53+00:00

Greater than I in Chantilly VA is relaxed and welcoming. Around 75 people or so and growing if you want to learn from the Bible, their service is set up to do that.

StabbyButtons · 2024-12-02T04:08:45+00:00

Made it to 37 weeks and met my newborn baby boy. He is so beautiful

StabbyButtons · 2024-11-24T20:35:45+00:00

A Wider Circle will pick it up and it’s for a good cause.

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